Have a Crappy, Crappy Birthday!
I might have Herpes.
Okay, not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said that to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like “OMG WHAT THE HELL AM I READING?” I felt judged, and it was fantastic.
Anyway, I do have something similar to Herpes. Like Herpes, what I have is unwelcome and typically goes unnoticed. I usually forget about it until it pops up and surprises me each year. It’s unpredictable, it causes pain, and it’s highly contagious. Sometimes I wish it would just go away forever.
I’m talking, of course, about my birthday. And be careful. Just from reading this, you might have one too.
So why am I using an elaborate metaphor to compare the aging process to genital warts? Well, frankly, I think it’s a fitting comparison. I absolutely detest birthdays. And since today is my birthday, it’s only polite that you agree with me.
Seriously. I hate them. As I get older, they terrify me. I don’t want to be reminded that my days are numbered. I don’t need to know how few years I have left on this planet. Why does everyone want to celebrate my impending death? Do you all hate me that much?
Birthdays aren’t a big deal. Sure, surviving my nut-job family and coworkers gets harder with each passing day, but is it truly worthy of a present?
I get throwing a party for people who pass the average life expectancy, but why are we celebrating when somebody turns 12? What’s so special about that? It’s expected. We were all born on a day. Congratulations on being average.
And all of these birthday traditions are bizarre. Do I really need a cake every year because I was expelled from a uterus?
Do I really need to blow out candles and make a wish? It’s not like the wishes ever come true. When I was a kid, I always wished for telekinetic powers like Matilda from the Roald Dahl book. I thought it would be cool to move things around with my mind, but alas, no psychic powers for me.
In retrospect, I’m kind of glad that wish never came true. If it had, I’d be super lazy. At a minimum, I’d be two hundred pounds heavier and maybe not even alive to “celebrate” this day.
But I digress. The concept of sticking candles in a dessert is bizarre and unsettling. Who was the sick asshole that decided to celebrate life with a safety hazard? When I was a kid, I couldn’t run with scissors or hold a knife, but, yeah sure, pass me the flaming death cake.
Ugh. I truly hate that I’m getting older. But if I must acknowledge it every year, I need to find a better way to talk about it. Maybe I can make it fun and exciting? Yeah, that’s it. From now on, I’ll start saying that I “leveled up” like in a video game.
But instead of getting power-ups or amazing Matilda-like abilities, the only perk I get each year is increasing lower back pain.
140 Comments
Asterid
Hahahah, oh my goodwhatever.
When you said "Bet that caught your attention" it reminded me of how my speech teach said last class
"When writing your next speech open with something that will catch your audience's attention."
And I was thinking, 'I should open with that!'
Can you imaginine: "Hello class. Today I will talk to you about herpes, which I have…..HAHa, just kidding. I'm really here to talk to you about Animal shelters, and I don;t have herpes. But I do have your attention!"
Happy Birthday.
Stephine
Happy Birthday!
And amazing blog as always (:
Monica
Naww.Cheer up. It's just a birthday. A year closer to your death hahas. Jokes. My brother used to tell me that.
I never made wishes. Well I did for the sake of it but I never believed in it.
Oh wells. Happy birthday :]
Bekah
This is the first time I've actually sat down and read one of your blogs, and I must say, you are quite the funny person. 😉 Birthdays? Warts? Herpes? What? Lulz.
Chelley
OH JUSTIN! HAPPY BIRDAY! Haha your post made me giggle.. like always. I always say that when I comment your blog haha. ^^ You scared me when I first started reading. You definatley caught my attention no doubt. 😛
Jay
Oh yeah.. HAPPY BURFFDAY. XD
Jay
Reading this, I will never think of a birthday or herpes the traditional way again.
Haha, so now you're going to have gray hairs, including areas where the sun don't shine and you're going to be begging your friends to go with you to BINGO night.
Okay, I'm kidding.
I never make much of my 'disease'. I usually do nothing. With all of my nothingness, I can tell you I have a cure for everyone's herpes. Death.
Then you'll never have that "outbreak" ever again.
Jhase
-Pets-
Don't worry, since I can't get you telekinesis for a gift. I'll get you a bag of herpes, and a side order of Syphilis to make your day better. XD
Happy Birthday, dude.
Minteh
=0 well, you might be one of those peeps who live longer after all.
How old is the ipod anyways?
Rachel
Happy Birthday!! 😀
Haha, my best friend ALMOST forgot my sixteenth last month (exactly a month ago today ^.^). She didn't say anything all morning, but I didn't say anything to her, because I wanted to see if she would remember. So then, at the start of third period, at 10:55, she goes, "is today the 21st?" me: yes. her: Happy Birthday!
So I spared her the bruises xD
Anyways, hope you get lots of awesome presents~ 🙂
Shellz
haha, I thought you were serious at first about having an infection, you actually got me on that one. =D HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
wow, the more birthdays you have the longer you live? well that's a give, lmao. Each birthday you go up an age, so yeah. xD I've always wanted to be like Matilda…for a while, but now I'd want to ability to read minds, then life would be so much easier, haha.
Spencer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Brent
Happy birthday Justin ._.
I forgot this girl I really like's birthday
And well lets just say
It hurt.
:<
Fia
Oh, Happy Bday! Have a good one. =)
I wanted to have telekenetic powers as well, which was caused by the tv series Charmed. lol xD It was a long time ago.
Whenever my bday is fast approaching, I want to hide and run away from it. I mean, who would want to get a year older…. again?
Kyra D.
Wow, 19! =D in 10 years, you'll be turning 29 o.o
Well, in 10 years, I'll be 24 DX how weird.
I don't really understand the whole 'Birthday' process o_O
"Today's the day you came into the world. Here are some presents, and now let's eat cake with flaming sticks stuck into it! WHOOHOO!" =X
-hands imaginary present- Enjoy~
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