Have a Crappy, Crappy Birthday!
I might have Herpes.
Okay, not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said that to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like “OMG WHAT THE HELL AM I READING?” I felt judged, and it was fantastic.
Anyway, I do have something similar to Herpes. Like Herpes, what I have is unwelcome and typically goes unnoticed. I usually forget about it until it pops up and surprises me each year. It’s unpredictable, it causes pain, and it’s highly contagious. Sometimes I wish it would just go away forever.
I’m talking, of course, about my birthday. And be careful. Just from reading this, you might have one too.
So why am I using an elaborate metaphor to compare the aging process to genital warts? Well, frankly, I think it’s a fitting comparison. I absolutely detest birthdays. And since today is my birthday, it’s only polite that you agree with me.
Seriously. I hate them. As I get older, they terrify me. I don’t want to be reminded that my days are numbered. I don’t need to know how few years I have left on this planet. Why does everyone want to celebrate my impending death? Do you all hate me that much?
Birthdays aren’t a big deal. Sure, surviving my nut-job family and coworkers gets harder with each passing day, but is it truly worthy of a present?
I get throwing a party for people who pass the average life expectancy, but why are we celebrating when somebody turns 12? What’s so special about that? It’s expected. We were all born on a day. Congratulations on being average.
And all of these birthday traditions are bizarre. Do I really need a cake every year because I was expelled from a uterus?
Do I really need to blow out candles and make a wish? It’s not like the wishes ever come true. When I was a kid, I always wished for telekinetic powers like Matilda from the Roald Dahl book. I thought it would be cool to move things around with my mind, but alas, no psychic powers for me.
In retrospect, I’m kind of glad that wish never came true. If it had, I’d be super lazy. At a minimum, I’d be two hundred pounds heavier and maybe not even alive to “celebrate” this day.
But I digress. The concept of sticking candles in a dessert is bizarre and unsettling. Who was the sick asshole that decided to celebrate life with a safety hazard? When I was a kid, I couldn’t run with scissors or hold a knife, but, yeah sure, pass me the flaming death cake.
Ugh. I truly hate that I’m getting older. But if I must acknowledge it every year, I need to find a better way to talk about it. Maybe I can make it fun and exciting? Yeah, that’s it. From now on, I’ll start saying that I “leveled up” like in a video game.
But instead of getting power-ups or amazing Matilda-like abilities, the only perk I get each year is increasing lower back pain.
140 Comments
Chrys
HAHAHAHAHHA. You're rather hilarious, you know that right? I don't know how you think of all of it… But seriously, genius.
I'm sorry that I missed your birthday 🙁 Happy BELATED Birthday from me. Heh. Hope you HAD a nice day and that everything went smoothly.
Only you would compare birthdays and genital warts :S
In reply to your comment…
No legendary.net isn't available, not is .com, .biz, or anything else 🙁 It makes me sad… Would have been an awesome URL, me thinks.
And me and the kiddywink talked about his favourite board games and what he likes to do on the weekend… Not interesting at all, but it got him talking, which is all I'm really interested in, so yay for me!!
Mandie
HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!!!!!
long time no talk eh?
Felisa
DUDE! I totally wished for the same thing. I'm still waiting to acquire Matilda's powers. All I really wanted to do was be able to close doors by squinting my eyes.
And I definitely agree with you… Birthdays are not as fun as they used to be… But maybe when we turn 21, we'll feel differently about them 😛 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Angelica
You don't like your birthday? I love getting older! 🙂
Anyway, happy birthday!
Alexandra
HAPPY Birthday!
Making me feel old…
TrafficTourettes
yay birthday
Jill
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Even if it's late, 19! You geezer.
Evtiff
you fooled me lol, i didnt know what you were talking about first lol, i had to read it twice :0 lol. HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOUGH
Viki
yeaah no jokes.
sometimes I think i have herpes.
I get cold sores, but I went to the doctor a few years back and he said it was my braces.
but i dont have them anymore. maybe they're just break outs :k
BLAH
no no, don't be silly.
cherish your birthday.
because it could be your last 🙂
oh matilda.
i remember reading that book.
Manda
Happy Happy early Birthday. This is a funny blog. I really thought for a minute there you had herpes. You are always good with the suspense in a blog.
I love that movie matilda. It would be nice to be able to move things with your mind.
Tamara
LMAO!! I must say, you surly do have a sharp sense of humor for only 18 years old! I didnt know what to expect at first with a domain name like this one, but i was not disappointed LOL. I hope you have wonderful herpes (I mean a birthday?) and experience many more 😛
Amy
Your blogs always make me laugh. This one in particular. I bet I look a bit strange sat alone laughing my head off. Haha. 🙂
Happy Birthday!! I didn't guess that from the first few sentences, I thought you'd go on to describe some other infection very similar to herpes. 😀
I love the film Matilda. They should do a sequel, where they show us the effects of having magical powers (obesity).
xx
Farah
Lmfao; the way you introduced this made my day.
Get away from me. I don't want the birthday infection. D:
(Happy birthday, by the way! xD)
Or on the other hand, I do. I can't wait to be able to say I'm 15.
I just realized how young I sounded!
Oh well.
I AM young. ^_^
Emz
Happy Birthday! Enjoy the last year of your teens!
I'm 20 in a month and totally forgot that after that I won't be a teenager anymore! Crikey. :-O
Melle
Happy 19th… did you know that the spoof for hermes bag is herpes? lol my bestfriend didn't remember my 17th but it's okay.. i also didn't remember hers.. what i hate bout birthdays is that, you have to be happy no matter what.. rawrr…
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