Suck It! Vampires Can Bite Me!
Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something’s immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die, right?
I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart, they’re basically just humans with a dietary restriction. Seriously, the cheerleader from Heroes was more of a badass.
Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. Well actually, I’d probably want to read that issue.
Vampires are nothing but losers. Pointy teeth, pale skin, a fear of sunlight – they’re basically emo kids. Yet, somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.
Maybe it’s because Twilight got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.
And for someone with no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.
Even more ridiculous, these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Halfway through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.
But the creepiest part of Twilight? Edward watching Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Well, pardon me, I guess, for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a love story.
It also doesn’t help that Edward is older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.
These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.
Remember that scene where Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud”? Honestly, I was waiting for her to yell, “Vanilla ice cream!”
And let’s not even talk about Twilight‘s werewolves. Just as Edward is basically a sparkly cougar, Jacob is a poster boy for bestiality. I can’t wait for the spin-off where Bella gives birth to a puppy.
Werewolves were meant to be hideous. They’re MONSTERS! They have excess hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy tail. Girls, if that’s your type, why not just date my uncle?
From experience, the guy who runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is not boyfriend material.
Unfortunately, this teenage obsession shows no sign of stopping. If flesh-eating freaks are the new heartthrobs, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”
105 Comments
Shriya
I was wondering, too, whether you have a picture of your uncle. I'd really love to see it.
I hate IE. I like chrome, though. Usually. Which blogging script do you use though? This doesn't seem like WP. Is it?
Well, thank you. I now know what to say the next time.
Hey, I really like what you did to Twilight. Do you mind if I share your link with some of my crazy Twilighters?
Comedy based, hm?
I don't usually write short stories. The only one I have was for a free domain contest. The result comes out on 25th. A day before my birthday. I hope I win.
I was given three genres to pick from. Fantasy, horror or romance. I have yet to READ a nice horror book which did not made me laugh, and my first attempt at Fantasy proves that I suck at it. So, I went ahead with romance. It is more Young-Adult though.
A girl who has no voice and a boy who has no parents. Pretty cheesy, actually. xP
BigGiantHat
Do you have a picture of your uncle?
Just wondering :).
Shriya
Error: Fifth paragraph, first line. I meant,
"A very obnoxious AND rude writer…"
Shriya
Of course comedians are rude. That is their job. Making fun of people. That is what they're paid for.
But they always insult in a manner that is funny to the uninvolved party. If you had not replied to my comment, nobody would have found anything funny in it. That would be downright obnoxious.
Ha. I usually don't think I am rude or self-centered. I actually think I am very down-to-earth. My friends, of course, beg to differ.
FanUpdate sucks. It freezes on Chrome, IE and firefox too. Whats left?
I tried WP but that was way beyond my reasoning skills. (See: down to earth?)
Um. When I sent my first book proposal to a publisher, they didn't take me seriously. I wasn't even fifteen then. So, now when I do, I always hedge when they ask about my bio-data and everything. They find it funny when I say, "Oh, I have always wanted to be a writer."
A very obnoxious AND writer even asked me, "How can you sya you've ALWAYS wanted to be a writer? You haven't lived that long."
O_o. Sorry for getting carried away. But I do love bitching about that particular guy.
Sure. I am always game for any kind of book. What kind of stories you write? The genre?
My first attempt was a pathetic sco-fi, which though is there on the website, doesn't really deserve to be read.
My latest, though, which is going to come out in about four months approx., is a satire. It does have an element of romance in it, though, so beware. I read how you made Twilight sound so horrible, so I am in awe of you. 😛
Mom/Debbie
HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!! Too funny!!!! I like this , Justin. It makes me laugh.
Shriya
Oh, that is okay, then. You're right, I would have probably thought you rude. xD
But then I would have remembered your blog and realized that a person with such a wonderful sense of humor can never be so rude. Ah. I don't think I made any sense.
That line black line at the top? Lol, I don't know. I just added it and thought that I could crop that part if I didn't like it. Never got the time. *Shrugs*
Ah. Now you're really embarrassing me. I am going to turn sixteen in a week and all this has freaked me out, too. But saying I am an inspiration is definitely exaggerating. 😛
Pam
Haha thanks, I doubt it though. Maybe you could hire me? Would you be willing to pay me a billion dollars to work for you? What could I do?
I don't want to even get started on how much of a lame vampire Edward Cullen is. Mainly because he sparkles like a fairy.
Haha, he would suit being vanilla ice cream more than he does a vampire.
I can understand how people find supernatural programs and films interesting, but the hype over Twilight is a joke. I do seem to love watching supernatural things, I think I find them interesting. 😛
Mandie
oh my god that had me laughing that whole entire time i was reading xD fantastic job 🙂
and thanks for the comment on my site 🙂 And the reason why you couldn't post on my blog was because the comments close after 2 weeks to prevent spam.
And thank you I really like that layout too 🙂 oh an my mouse was pretty cheap only like 9 dollars or something like that… I actually ened up breaking it like not even 5 seconds ago. my computer fell off my bed lol and smashed the wireless plug in thing.
Shriya
Thanks. 🙂 It is great. xD
YOu don't have to use the contact form everytime. You can leave a comment on the blog even if it isn't related to it. I won't mind.
Shriya
Hey,
Thanks for advertising. I have put your link up on the homepage as well as the main list of sites being advertised.
Uh, I did try making a button that size but it looks like crap.
Since I can’t post the link here without making it look like spam, I am going to find some other way.
Wow, you look like someone with a hearty prejudice against Twilight. I don’t like it either, except for Robert Pattinson, who is kinda hot.
Sorry, but I am a girl, and I am 16. This is an affliction we all are cursed with.
But I do think that the werewolf part is a little crazy. Except when Jake jumps swings from a tree and climbs through Bella’s window…shirtless. That was worth it. Ahem. xD
Sindara
The image looks familiar? Really, I wonder why? Thanks for liking the layout. You really really like?
Everyone likes the bridesmaid dress. 🙂
Sindara
I read this when I was hanging out with my niece and we both cracked up laughing. I LOVE YOU JUSTING. You can make the bad go good! 🙂
But truth the Twilight books, sucks!
=] I like vampires, but Twilight sucks.
Julia
Twilight has turned everyone bonkers. The books aren't even good. To me they just go on & on about Edward's appearance & what Bella decides to do next & the occasional thing about werewolves.
I don't like how vampires & werewolves are portrayed in the book. It doesn't seem right, at all.
I'd hate to be watched by some old guy while I sleep. It's too creepy.
Liz
I have to admit, this was pretty funny to read. I think it's the Romeo and Juliet relevance that the fans enjoy. I like the books and the movies, but not because of the vampire thing. I did at first but then I just ended up liking the storyline.
Isi
They think that just because they are "the parents" its fair to treat the kids like crap. Oh i cannot wait to move out lol.
After ghost movies i always think there's a ghost in my house lol.
Haha lol i love you blog lol. Twilight killed vampires. They sparkle in the sun. That doens't sound right at all?? It makes vampires sound like angels.
Watching someone sleep means you have issues and you need to get that checked. It's not cute or ramantic. It's disturbing.
Twilight to me is dumb. The books was better. They should have left it a book.
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