Suck It! Vampires Can Bite Me!
Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something’s immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die, right?
I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart, they’re basically just humans with a dietary restriction. Seriously, the cheerleader from Heroes was more of a badass.
Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. Well actually, I’d probably want to read that issue.
Vampires are nothing but losers. Pointy teeth, pale skin, a fear of sunlight – they’re basically emo kids. Yet, somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.
Maybe it’s because Twilight got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.
And for someone with no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.
Even more ridiculous, these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Halfway through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.
But the creepiest part of Twilight? Edward watching Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Well, pardon me, I guess, for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a love story.
It also doesn’t help that Edward is older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.
These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.
Remember that scene where Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud”? Honestly, I was waiting for her to yell, “Vanilla ice cream!”
And let’s not even talk about Twilight‘s werewolves. Just as Edward is basically a sparkly cougar, Jacob is a poster boy for bestiality. I can’t wait for the spin-off where Bella gives birth to a puppy.
Werewolves were meant to be hideous. They’re MONSTERS! They have excess hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy tail. Girls, if that’s your type, why not just date my uncle?
From experience, the guy who runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is not boyfriend material.
Unfortunately, this teenage obsession shows no sign of stopping. If flesh-eating freaks are the new heartthrobs, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”
105 Comments
Morgan
Thanks. Mainly they're horror.
Kyra
Oh, Justin… xD
But it's so true about the wooden stakes O.o
It's kind of…disgusting…the way watching Bella sleep "calms" Edward D: this is not the kind of guy one should be dating!
Ugh. Twilight = Meyers smexy fantasy that should have really stayed that way x_x
Yeah…the first book had me mildly interested for a week. But I can't stand anything to do with it now.
You made a lot of good points here. I should start redirecting some fangirls xD
Kristina
Thank you! lol, I'm doing fine thank you. Well other than the fact that it's almost certain that I'm getting braces. '-_- I might just kick a dog.
How have you been doing? ^^
I am going to be completley honest, I am in love with Vampires. Because of their freakish ways. Ok. JUDGE ME, but I have a fascination with them.
oh my god ' I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.' XD
Oh sweet baby jesus, I know what you mean. The watching while she sleeps crap was really creepy, how about wanting to kill her the whole entire time? "EDWARD YOU ARE SO PERFECT, LET'S MARRY. even though you want to kill me and watch me sleep. I STILL LOVE YOU."
I just really hate the way Twilight vampires are, they're the kind I don't like. I like the gory vampires, where they rip peoples necks out, and suck their blood like animals. *that makes me seem sick*
Well wow this comment was just all over the place. Hope you enjoyed this. XD
Anna
Haha, at least hairy uncles everywhere are benefiting from the werewolf craze. And craft stores too because they sell glitter if you want to be a sparkly vampire. 😛
Meredith
Haha. While I read the books and quite liked them, the movies are.. so lame. While they have gotten better since the first, they're wayy too cheesy and scripted (well, of course they're scripted but.. you know what I mean).
It's totally true about how creepy Edward is, and the beastiality. I would think that if someone turned into a warewolf at times, their normal self would also be hairy, not waxed smooth & all shiny. Then again, I guess they just wanted him to be hot. Mission accomplished.
HAHA, I can just imagine what that video looks like. I never knew that Pink wrote the song.. I love her music! Maybe that's why I like the lyrics so much, haha.
Sage
I haven't read the books, I haven't seen the movies, and my ex boyfriend looks like Edward Cullen. I brought that up to my mother and sister and they were like, 'I thought he looked like someone we knew …' Yes, my freakin ex.
I had the biggest smirk reading this, thank you. You're totally right though, totally.
And I don't find Jacob hot at all. I don't see why all the girls like him? But then again, I think Brad Pitt looks like a monkeys butt …
As for the man liking you staring at you while you sleep, I have had this happen to me and I jumped out of my skin literally. It's VERY creepy and not romantic at all. It's falls onto the category of stalker.
In regards to saving my neice, I agree. As I said to my Mum, so long as the little one is alright, I can live with that. Then my sister said, 'Oh I have had falls with her to …' So I didn't feel so bad then.
Steff
Haha well I actually quit the course, so no more Kmart for me.
I love the idea of vampires. But I don't like how authors and writers dress them up. They are making them more pathetic per movie. And vampires are losing their coolness the more girls want to date them.
HAHAHAHA! Vanilla iced cream. I agree…
When Bella says "Vampire" and then Edward asks "are you scared?" I was waiting for him to say "Well you shouldn't be, you're on scare tactics."
Georgina
I LOL'd reading "vanilla ice cream". Hahaha. Girls are going crazy over Twilight everywhere. I understand them being a fan, but for them to think that any of this is realistically possible or desirable is taking it too far.
I don't find the figure of Edward to be romantic. When I read the book I thought it was a good book – that was back in 2006. I just thought it was good, period. I wasn't totally dazzled by Edward's character at all!
Yes, it is creepy to be watched while you sleep. I see it's a bit cute when you're with someone you like, and you fall asleep on their shoulder for a bit, but to be WATCHED?
I haven't seen Paranormal Activity. Knowing me, I would do more than cry and scream in fright. I don't really like the idea of vampires. It leaves a LOT of room for creativity and hence something too creative becomes ridiculous (sparkling?!).
To be honest, if I was dating someone young and found out they were just some 5000 year old dude, it would kind of turn me off… big time. O_O Definitely not my type!!
Monnii Bee
Hey now, Jacob isn't a werewolf, he's just going through an identity crisis right now, and Taylor Lautner is HOT… in an underage kind of way =p
Other than that I agree. The Twilight series was a train wreck. It was horrible, but I kept reading.
And I STILL can't believe how they made off of it… But that's okay, it brought in a lot of money to my state.
No, that guy doesn't know that I took a picture of him hahaha, I'm a bonafide creep, but it's okay =]
And yah…My life is strange at times, I'll be the first to admit that, but only because I'm a little too open and too friendly.
Katie
haha i agree.
i'm just glad that they're not real.
Passion
lol!, you have a point.
Twilight totally changed vampires into friendly sun loving people.
Personally, I think the females see the movie as a romance novel. :/
Nugget
The only vampire movies I'll ever like are the Blade series and probably 30 Days of Night. Probably because of blood and gore.
Edward reminds me of a pedophile.
After the movies came out, all of a sudden I see a bigger contamination of screaming fans who would even fight over a cardboard cut-out of Pattinson. That's just sad.
Buffy can kick Edward's ass any day.
Brandon
Yes I inspired this post…and it was awesome
Sabryna
I think vampires would be considered "biologically immortal." That is, as long as there is no external, lethal trauma to their bodies, they live forever. There are critters in the animal kingdom like this, my favorite being tardigrades (water bears). However, Twilight vampires are… man, I'm not even going to get started on my rant about Twilight vampires. All I can say is don't base your idea of vampires off of them. Smeyer's on crack. Why tween girls love it is beyond me. D:
Jhase
There is only one thing wrong with this, Superman is boring. He gets beat up by a glowing rock made by his home planet. How is that not in the least bit pathetic?
Alas, I love you for not flying into the sparkling twilight that is twilight. Edward Cullen can spark up and shut up, because if he's not too careful Buffy will sneak up on him and stake him.
That'd be fun to watch. Hehehe.
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