Suck It! Vampires Can Bite Me!
Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something’s immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die, right?
I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart, they’re basically just humans with a dietary restriction. Seriously, the cheerleader from Heroes was more of a badass.
Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. Well actually, I’d probably want to read that issue.
Vampires are nothing but losers. Pointy teeth, pale skin, a fear of sunlight β they’re basically emo kids. Yet, somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.
Maybe it’s because Twilight got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullenβs greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.
And for someone with no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.
Even more ridiculous, these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Halfway through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.
But the creepiest part of Twilight? Edward watching Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? Itβs creepy. Well, pardon me, I guess, for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a love story.
It also doesnβt help that Edward is older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.
These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.
Remember that scene where Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud”? Honestly, I was waiting for her to yell, “Vanilla ice cream!”
And let’s not even talk about Twilight‘s werewolves. Just as Edward is basically a sparkly cougar, Jacob is a poster boy for bestiality. I can’t wait for the spin-off where Bella gives birth to a puppy.
Werewolves were meant to be hideous. They’re MONSTERS! They have excess hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy tail. Girls, if that’s your type, why not just date my uncle?
From experience, the guy who runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is not boyfriend material.
Unfortunately, this teenage obsession shows no sign of stopping. If flesh-eating freaks are the new heartthrobs, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”
105 Comments
Satish
hi that is a great post π really made me laugh. Best was the "vanilla ice cream one ".
Nice blog on the whole.
Catherine
Lol definitely, Twilight made vampires into these pretty things. When I picture a vampire these days I don't picture a weirdo who sleeps in a coffin I picture a character like Edward Cullen xP
Lol I like Twilight but the story line sometimes is just so messed up. Firstly Edwards like 100, he watches Bella sleep which I think it just effed up. If a boy watched me sleep I wouldn't be like 'aww how romantic', I'd be like… go away xP
TJ Lubrano
Aaah I wanted to say that I will follow you!!!
That's it for now.
Cya!
TJ Lubrano
Hahahaha This whole post made me laugh so hard! Awesome post Justin! I really like the way you write ^_^!
Layout of the website looks really nice too!
Ciao!!
Dyeve
"When one creates phantoms for oneself, one puts vampires into the world, and one must nourish these children of a voluntary nightmare with one's blood, one's life, one's intelligence, and one's reason, without ever satisfying themΓ’€Β smiles.
Nice post. π
Stepherz
I think one of my friends said it best: Twilight is a teen girl's choice between bestiality and necrophilia.
And if someone made a Team Hannibal shirt… I would rock that so hard. PArticularly if they were selling the masks as well.
Aashni
Ok, officially one of my favorite blog posts in a while! Haha!! That cheerleader chick from heroes is a heck of a lot more bad ass than any vamp or werewolf!
Michelle
I like vampires, but I hate Twilight :/
I've seen teenagers on the news that act like they really are werewolves (they actually believe it) and parade around with a tail and chains around their necks. Now those ones are freaking idiots.
Askcherlock
I have met some people in my life who would qualify as vampires, figuratively speaking. They can suck the blood right out of you. No doubt these teen girls, so enamored of vampires, will learn one day that some vampires can put an invisible stake through the heart with all its incumbent pain.
Lifeshighway
Wouldn’t you think that if one your your weaknesses was wood you wouldn’t got bounding up trees and playing baseball. Those bats crack you know (well the wooden ones, do_
Becca
LMAO. Yeah, damnit Meyer, do your research!
And on the subject of the werewolves, have you read the last book? Because seriously, Jacob is even more of a creep in that.
I don't want to spoil it for you if you haven't read it though..
OSHIT. I HAVE A WEEK TO GET LAID BUY A HOUSE AND GET A LOTTERY TICKET? I have a plan..
If I buy a lottery ticket, then WIN the lottery, I can use the money to buy a house and find a hot guy who will be like OHMANSHE'SRICH and get in my bed.
Think it'll work?
Shriya
Reach their goal! Ha, I bet they found more than 100,000 fans. Probably one million. Not too hard, in fact.
Yep. I thought I saw my degree too. Thats sad that I have misplaced it. xD
I added you on fb and even joined the fanlist.
Hm…we seem to have really bonded well.
Ah, I am sorry. I date only straight guys. π
Oh, I just remembered, I already have a boyfriend.
Oh, I just remembered, you already have a boyfriend, too.
Lucy
Arg, sorry for the double post but I spelt my website wrong π
Lucy
Pretty awesome article – and not just cus I'm a Twilighter myself π
I do get your point about the classic vampires burning in the sun etc. and yes, I guess that S'Meyer does over pretty the vampires and the movies don't really reflect any of their strength or ability – but I do love her take on the vamps though π
Plus in the books Bella's all about Edward's looks and charm. I mean, jeez, does she have to be so superficial and only care about his looks? And if they're really meant to be together then why in Breaking Dawn does Edward tell Jacob 'you know her better than I do…'
Though the werewolves are awesome, and not just 'cus its TAYLOR LAUTNER and most of them run around shirtless π
Bah, I adore the books but I still have my oppinion of some parts of it π
Shriya
Hehe. I was just wondering. Thought I'd ask. xD
You shouldn't have compared Jake the werewolf to him then. You aroused my curiosity. π
Awh. Don't tell me. You like farmville? Jeez. What is with you guys? I am an active supporter of "We can find one hundred thousand facebook users who hate farmville" club.
Wow. Nope I can't tell. But no need to be so smug. I don't exactly have a PhD in figuring out blogging scripts.
Ha. Okay, I posted it on my wall. Want to add me on fb?
Awh. It is not exactly how you made it sound! You remind me of my ex-boyfriend. He also had a very sharp tongue. In that last line, you sounded like an incarnation of him. I am freaked out. *shudder*
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