What a Load of Hogwash
I’ve always dreamed of attending a pig-catching competition. Imagine the hilarity of watching idiots struggle to chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for cash prizes. Sign me up! After an unproductive day of binge-watching clips, it’s clear that catching pigs is nearly impossible. So, that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu?
Fear of the H1N1 virus is spreading like wildfire across the United States, and according to CNN, my college boasts the worst outbreak in the Midwest.
Well, dang. Why couldn’t we be on the news for something cool, like discovering Bigfoot’s Facebook account?
With over 110 identified cases, you’d think our university would shut down. But nope, classes are still in session. The school officials are carrying on like it’s nothing. They’ve simply handed out a few boxes of hand sanitizer.
In my growing paranoia, I have some pressing questions…
- Will Swine Flu give me an uncontrollable craving for bacon and pork chops?
- Should I slather myself in oinkment?
- Is this more of a snoutbreak or a hamdemic?
- Are we heading for an Aporkalypse, Hamageddon, Pink Plague, or something equally dramatic?
- Should I sneeze by saying achoink?
- Will there be blockbuster movies about our school, and if so, can I be the main character? I’d like to pitch: Swinedler’s List, Pig Trouble in Little Mexico, and Babe: Death in the City.
- Once infected, is this an acceptable pickup line: “Girl, you need to be quarantined, because you have a case of the Fine Flu.“
Wow. There are so many swine flu jokes going around. It’s like an epidemic or something.
What even is Swine Flu? Now, I’m not a scientist, but I do have a theory. I bet it was started by a group of jealous pigs. Hear me out: Turkeys have Bird Flu, cows have Mad Cow Disease, and crabs have… well, you know. Pigs were simply next in line to pig out and bring home some extra bacon.
Darn those attention-boars.
I used to trust pigs. I even had a piggy bank. Well, not anymore. First, they took my money, and now they’re trying to kill me. Remember when PETA protested that meat is murder? They were actually warning us!
Help me! I’m living in fear! I doubt I’ll survive this Swine Flu. Hell, I doubt I’ll survive my university’s quarantine. Well, I suppose there’s a chance… when pigs fly.
72 Comments
Brittany!!
AHAHAHAAA!!! this blog is hilarious!!!!! ::D and they really should close your school! i really hope you dont get it!(:
so how have you been?! im going to a concert later!
Gel
Yeah but good thing the whole H1N1 is calmer now. There hasn't been any reported cases in our country for awhile so hopefully it has stopped. The flu jokes are hilarious though! The Achoink and Oinkment joke made me laugh 😛
Laura
Yay Justin you blogged about swine flu! Everyone is so obsessed with it atm. I had my introduction to University Cosmology on Thursday and the guy actually said he expects half of us to be off with it and all this! Nice cheery introduction to the study of the planets there.
Haha I've heard of that! I'm sick of it spreading so quickly. Everywhere I look there's some poster about it and everytime I turn on the TV it's either on the news or there's an advert about it. Eeeep that's a lot of cases! I'm not sure if my University has had any, it only just started back though. They should just close it! Arghh people think that hand sanitizer solves everything.
Haha I like your questions, they are very good! Yes I agree the bigs weren't getting enough attention! It's really our fault I mean we shouldn't have made such a big fuss of the cows … we can only blame ourselves! The poor jealous pigs. I still have piggy banks! I'm going to go and smash them up in protest now :).
Ariel
There's swine flu vaccines coming soon O_O would YOU get it???
AnneMarie
Yeah, so many people are afraid of Swine Flu. My high school has been freaking out about it. There's been the regular cold/flu going around so everyone's like "DO YOU HAVE SWINE FLU?" I was sick two weeks ago, I'm glad it wasn't serious though. This second wave of H1N1 is supposed to cause more damage than the first xP
Ben
BAHAHAHA. I just read that chat up line and started laughing out loud. 🙁 And the movies :L
Gah, swine flu is so overrated. It's just like normal flu, lie down and drink water and you'll be fine. Right? 🙁
Christine
This was great to read! I honestly think as long as you take care of yourself and wash your hands, and the like people will be fine. I'm looking at it as the regular flu, just a different strain. Am I scared of getting sick? Of course! I have tons of things I need to do, haha! But, it's kind of scary to see how fast people are spreading it.
Aporkalypse….made my day!
Lani
😀 Why thankyou sir.
Rofl I have the strong urge to try that pickup line now…
Rene
Haha… wow… i have actually heard that people do that, but i didnt really believe it… goodness people are weird hahha!!
so i like your entire entry on bigs lol. its funny… and omg!! when there was a blood drive… they didnt let me give blood because they claimed i had the "mad cow disease" which i didn't lol… but still ah! haha… love this entry. :]
Shola
LOL, so many pig jokes so little space. I liked the the pink plague. I thought it was pig plague.
I still call it swine flu. It is what it is. H1N1 is just like calling Gold by it's element name. :/ Nu. (i think)
I think they should keep uni open though a quarantine the people. I would be annoyed paying for something to have it close because of the epidemic.
Elizabeth
LOL! You are hillarious! You have officially become my new favorite site!
Those pigs man, I bet you they have a secret society somewhere in some underground lair! Now you got me thinking…I hope I don't get pigmares! ACK! LOL!
I'll be back again! Thank you for being you! 🙂
Mom
Justin,
You are so cute & funny!! Love, Mom
P.S. Use hand sanitizer (LOL)
Anna
Lmfao. Never heard those swine flu jokes/questions earlier but they’re pretty damn good xD I specially loved “Babe: Death In The City”.
funny entry.
Eka
You do the greatest plays on words. Seriously. O_O
Swine Flu is starting to spread at my school. THEY HANDED OUT FLYERS. You know that's when it's getting serious. XD
Milu
Aw the same is in Peru , so many people with swine…actually poor pigs they dont have fault 🙁
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