Oh Snow You Didn’t, Girlfriend!
Outside of work, you’ll never catch me wearing pants. I loathe the way they look. I loathe the way they feel. I loathe the way the snug fit causes accidental twerking.
It’s no secret that I’ve got a big ol’ man booty, and pants only emphasize it. It doesn’t matter if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants—when my butt has drapes, it takes on new shapes.
But no, I don’t go outside with my butt exposed. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I know I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!
For some magical reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid looking at it. I don’t know why, but it works. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensively Hulk-ish legs.
There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day. Winter. When it gets chilly outside, I must choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.
For this reason, I despise winter. I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ margaritas.
Seriously, why does it have to get so cold? Why can’t the weather just remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up.
Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in May. Yes, May. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I looked outside my window, it seemed like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.
I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman explained the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools’ joke? Does the news channel air reruns? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot won’t stop shaking it?
Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.
I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.
Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.
I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I tumbled down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.
On the bright side, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.
107 Comments
Gel
You always manage to make the most interesting posts about yourself! You belly flopped on the snow? Haha I hope it didn't hurt too much :p
Amy
Sure you can. 🙂 My laptop pool only allows people under the height of 12 cm to swim though. But if you're ridiculously small then go for it. Lol. 🙂
The snow day sounds fun! I've never been sledding, so I'll have to do it next time we have a snow day. We had one in December so I doubt they'll be one soon. Aww.
xx
Stephine
Ha, thank you 🙂 That's why all my blogs were ranting about my layouts. I KNEW I could do better, but it just wasn't working, lol.
As for sledding, you can have all of my snow and ice. And if you would have asked, which I'm not sure why you would have, I would have known you'd fall if you run and jump on a sled, lol.
Viki
You've never been sledding before O:
woah. just woah.
haha snow can be fun xD
yep pretty much. that's me skipping around.
I don't really have exact details. mom was worried, wondering why no one old her, she think she need to be more inclusive and do more as a family.
yeah hannah is doing okay, she's good. it went better for her than she thought..
Angelica
How do you step on your own arm?! O_O I'm also half asleep in the morning but something like that never happened to me!
Jhase
Hahaha, very nice. Don't feel bad, I've never been sledding myself.
By the way, I'm totally allowed to ignore my site. I can't do stuff to it when I'm on a break at the best friends house. That would be just rude.
Regina
I've actually never gone sledding either, even though winter lasts like half a year where I live. 😛 We had a "snow day" too this week, but I was home anyway because I had already finished all my exams.
Nini
Omfg snowwww. Me likey.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steamboat_(food) That's steamboat. :p
Vincent
Haha thanks.
I know, I've been moving around sites so many times 😛
Aww, you're so lucky, as I live in London we're lucky to get snow once in two years. Pollution has totally killed it.
I've never been sledding, the only sort of sledding I've done, was sitting on a mattress and sliding it down the hard wooden stairs.. it was fun, but it hurts like hell 😛
Esme
I wish that it snowed here.
It doesn't ever snow where I live =(
Alya
hahahaha thanks!
Lucky you. At least it snows where you live. In Dubai it does not snow at all. I want snooowww.
It sounds that you had a great day sledding.
Kaylee
That sounds like an epic snow angel! I love snow days, and I'm glad you got the change to go sledding.
I'm more interested in a video of you stepping on your arm 😉
Andrea
I would have totally paid money to see you miss that sled! Where was Nate with the video camera then?!
BTW, I totally looked at my comments and was like, WTF? Who the heck is biscuit? lol
Meaghan!
Haha nice 😛
OLD LADIES ARE VERY MEAN! D:
Hm, I have no idea, do you wanna be? Cause I'll add you if you okay it XD
OMG. I love Frosty! :] I'm not a morning person either, i HATE it. I have to wake up at 6:50 every morning D: What a drag.
Awwwww. Are you feeling any better? I've never belly-flopped into anything before =/ But it looks hella painful.
Felisa
How come you get to go sledding (well, at least you tried) and I have to do calculus problems (when I'm also not awake)? Not fair!
I tried making a snow angel last month (when we got about a foot of snow) but the snow was too powdery and too deep, it was so hard to get out. I ended up wiggling my way out and the angel looked like it had the ghettoest booty ever!
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