Outside of work, you’ll never catch me wearing pants. I loathe the way they look. I loathe the way they feel. I loathe the way the snug fit causes accidental twerking.

It’s no secret that I’ve got a big ol’ man booty, and pants only emphasize it. It doesn’t matter if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants—when my butt has drapes, it takes on new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside with my butt exposed. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I know I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For some magical reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid looking at it. I don’t know why, but it works. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensively Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day. Winter. When it gets chilly outside, I must choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason, I despise winter. I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ margaritas.

Seriously, why does it have to get so cold? Why can’t the weather just remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in May. Yes, May. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I looked outside my window, it seemed like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.

I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman explained the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools’ joke? Does the news channel air reruns? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot won’t stop shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.

Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.

I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I tumbled down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.

On the bright side, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.