Oh Snow You Didn’t, Girlfriend!
Outside of work, you’ll never catch me wearing pants. I loathe the way they look. I loathe the way they feel. I loathe the way the snug fit causes accidental twerking.
It’s no secret that I’ve got a big ol’ man booty, and pants only emphasize it. It doesn’t matter if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants—when my butt has drapes, it takes on new shapes.
But no, I don’t go outside with my butt exposed. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I know I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!
For some magical reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid looking at it. I don’t know why, but it works. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensively Hulk-ish legs.
There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day. Winter. When it gets chilly outside, I must choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.
For this reason, I despise winter. I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ margaritas.
Seriously, why does it have to get so cold? Why can’t the weather just remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up.
Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in May. Yes, May. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I looked outside my window, it seemed like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.
I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman explained the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools’ joke? Does the news channel air reruns? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot won’t stop shaking it?
Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.
I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.
Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.
I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I tumbled down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.
On the bright side, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.
107 Comments
Gillian
Well thats a WHOLE OTHER story.
See, i really liked the new guy, but it didnt seem like he liked me back, and he asked me hang out but i coudnt because i had plans FOR REAL. Buttt he thought i was making up an excuse to reject him .. and he really liked me back but he thought i didnt like him so we both moved on …….
I havent COMPLETELY moved on i still regret not being able to hang out, cause he wouldve asked me out KSJKJABVKAJVBAKJ.. anyways im good.
Fia
Aww, snow. I wish it snows in tropical countries too. lol xD The weather's been all crazy here as well.
Viki
so nwo you relate my website to crap?
jsut something you had to get out of you?
HAH HAH pun ^^
well that's some funny shit.
HAH HAH another pun ^^
wow. imma loser 😀
Gillian
Lol yeah i dont mind all the community service, it can turn out to be fun and it is how i met my ex. (Which is a good thing i guess ? )
Welllllll, i strted to like someone else basically. 🙁
Nnie
Heyy . long time no talk 😀
Aw snow angels 🙂
Gillian
Yeah thats what you have to deal with if you go to a catholic school.
But other schools in my area only have to do 20 or 10 hours and for us its … 40 !
I ended it, and at first i thought it went pretty well, but holy shit the after effects are bad.
And this happened like a few weeks before Christmas ?
Gillian
I dont even think its legal for someone as young as me to go to jail .. lmao.
Yeah, the breakup was uggggggglyyyyyyy .
He hasnt spoken to me since. And he stopped showing up to community service at church every sundaay, we use to do it together. Whatevs he probs never wants to see me again or somethinngg.
( Yes, i do alot of comunity service because i need 40 hours to graduate )
Gillian
lmaoo no.
my friend invited me to keep score of the game with her so we can get community service hours 😉
Kitty
ahahahhaa. Happened to me as well.. but without a sled.. when I was mad at my sis for not giving me the sled i just sat there and accidently slid down first on my ass then on my head and back to ass. Now you made me all nostalgic for snow and Russia
Gillian
haha it wasnt a waste of my time, well not entirely .. (:
it was very entertaining lmfao.
Im just getting ready to head off to another high school to keep score of a basketball gamee. Part that sucks is, its my ex bfs school, im praying i dont bump into him .. : /
Gillian
Oh wow i feel like a blonde sack of peanuts.. i should have figured that one out. Thanks though lmao.
LMFAO, oh wow boobies and crotches ?
Uhhh what can i say.. nice crotches ?
Didnt any of those falls hurt ?! Id be lke in pain. And nice ass slapping.
BAHAHAHHA i laughed so hard when the camera got knocked out near the end.
Gillian
:O noo .
where's the video ?
Erin
Ahh, yet another movie that I want to see, haha.
You've never had a snow day before? Well I hope those ones were extra fun! I think I'm getting that storm tomorrow, actually 😛
Alya
Haha. No you did not miss some. They are only 3 blogs about braces.
Yah I guess I am trying to scare people off! Braces are deadly don't you know!!! hahaha lol
No. I am just expressing my fealings. They are okay for me now. They don't hurt or anything. They feel just fine. I am getting used to them and trying to love them since I am having them for a year and a half. It's all good.
Anyways, how was your weekend?
Viki
YES! score!
wait.
if you're blind you can't read this.
so now I can't boast D:
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