What a Load of Hogwash
I’ve always dreamed of attending a pig-catching competition. Imagine the hilarity of watching idiots struggle to chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for cash prizes. Sign me up! After an unproductive day of binge-watching clips, it’s clear that catching pigs is nearly impossible. So, that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu?
Fear of the H1N1 virus is spreading like wildfire across the United States, and according to CNN, my college boasts the worst outbreak in the Midwest.
Well, dang. Why couldn’t we be on the news for something cool, like discovering Bigfoot’s Facebook account?
With over 110 identified cases, you’d think our university would shut down. But nope, classes are still in session. The school officials are carrying on like it’s nothing. They’ve simply handed out a few boxes of hand sanitizer.
In my growing paranoia, I have some pressing questions…
- Will Swine Flu give me an uncontrollable craving for bacon and pork chops?
- Should I slather myself in oinkment?
- Is this more of a snoutbreak or a hamdemic?
- Are we heading for an Aporkalypse, Hamageddon, Pink Plague, or something equally dramatic?
- Should I sneeze by saying achoink?
- Will there be blockbuster movies about our school, and if so, can I be the main character? I’d like to pitch: Swinedler’s List, Pig Trouble in Little Mexico, and Babe: Death in the City.
- Once infected, is this an acceptable pickup line: “Girl, you need to be quarantined, because you have a case of the Fine Flu.“
Wow. There are so many swine flu jokes going around. It’s like an epidemic or something.
What even is Swine Flu? Now, I’m not a scientist, but I do have a theory. I bet it was started by a group of jealous pigs. Hear me out: Turkeys have Bird Flu, cows have Mad Cow Disease, and crabs have… well, you know. Pigs were simply next in line to pig out and bring home some extra bacon.
Darn those attention-boars.
I used to trust pigs. I even had a piggy bank. Well, not anymore. First, they took my money, and now they’re trying to kill me. Remember when PETA protested that meat is murder? They were actually warning us!
Help me! I’m living in fear! I doubt I’ll survive this Swine Flu. Hell, I doubt I’ll survive my university’s quarantine. Well, I suppose there’s a chance… when pigs fly.
72 Comments
Jessi
This was adorable, Justin. 🙂 Love the puns. You're such a good bloggerrr !
Lani
Justin! Whar are you?? Doing my tricks 😛 hah, I miss your funniness -glomp-
Trypp
Lmao… Hamaggedon… that's a good one dude 😉
Samantha
JUSTIN! How are ya buddy!? We used to be affiliates but I dropped off the web. But now i'm back and I found you! Bwhahaha
Still That Dude (edited)
Great article!
I loved the puns.
Be advised though that there are 'still' knuckleheads out there that simply refuse to wash their hands (as if they ever did).
If I had a dollar for every time a guy came into public restroom after me, peed while I was still peeing, and then walked out without even touching the sink,…I would be driving a 2009 Maybach right now. LOL!
PEOPLE WASH YOUR HANDS!!!
The Swine Flu is only one problem facing us.
We're gonna have a major 'germ' pandemic before its over with. Don't be fooled either,…its not just a handwashing thing. I think the Swine flu went 'airborn' awhile back and unless we stop breathing,…well, we won't be breathing. No joke.
Stiil That Dude
Great article!
I loved the puns.
Be advised though that are 'still' knuckleheads out there that simply refuse to wash their hands (as if they ever did).
If I had a dollr for everytime a guy came into public restroom after me, peed while I was still peeing, and then walked out without even touching the sink,…I would be driving a 2009 Maybach right now. LOL!
PEOPLE WASH YOUR HANDS!!!
The Swine Flu is only one problem facing us.
We're gonna have a major 'germ' pandemic before its over with. Don't be fooled either,…its not just a handwashing thing. I think the Swine flu went 'airborn' awhile back and unless we stop breathing,…well, we won't be breathing. No joke.
Aly
Lmao! Those swine flu puns cracked me up, I think I'm finally starting to realize why your site is named as such! Hehehe. Those pig catching contests sound insane though – how can people actually enjoy such pursuits? Sounds so disgusting, but probably quite amusing to watch. 🙂
Anonymous
Haha, I fucking loved that blog. I seriously chuckled through the whole thing.
A friend of mine here in Canada had an H1N1 virus scare, but it turned out to be nothing. I'm not afraid of the Swine Flu. I think everyone's going to be fine.
It's funny how we hear about all these things; Mad Cow Disease, Bird Flu, SARS, etc. and eventually it just fades away, and no one really knows what ended up happening. Personally, I think they're just trying to give us a scare. *shrugs*
Jackie
AHHH! Like 3 people in my class have swine flu, 4 more are sick. There are only 12 in my college class -_-
Hope you survive! But sanitizer? They should at least give you a lifetime supply and some antibacterial spray haha.
Greg
Hello Justin-e (:
Haha, that sucked :|
I cant wait for your next blog, there always so funny!
Haha, how are you?
Greg (:
Aimee
Hey buddy!! I'm so sorry I haven't been coming around.. I'm such a bad person! *cry*
This post brighten my day, I'm in tears from laughing so hard. You sir, are a genius! I'm so tired of hearing about the swine flu. People were walking everywhere with a mask, its pathetic!
Deanna
I'm sick of hearing about H1N1 also. Everyone has gone hand sanitizer crazy. Those dispensers have started turning up everywhere. I have tried some of it but I have eczema on my hands so my hands are full of little cuts. Let me tell you, hand sanitizer stings!
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