Silent Night? Uhh… Not Quite
Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate and several of his friends hovering over my bed, grinning like they’d just pulled off the ultimate prank. Naturally, I thought they’d sharpied a dingdong on my face. But no, they were just laughing at the strange noises I was making.
Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, why the hell do I get pleasure from dreams about losing my teeth?). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing, and a quick Google search shows I’m not alone.
Sometimes, as I’m drifting off, I hear myself doing it. It’s definitely not flattering. It sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie were a camel or walrus. Yeah, picture an undead cow mooing to the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.”
The moans also echo like the tripod foghorn sounds in the War of the Worlds remake. Imagine a raspy elderly man blowing on his hot soup: muEhhhh. That’s me.
Waking up to an audience isn’t the only downside of my sleepmoaning. I can’t nap in class without everyone knowing about it. Professors always know I’m not paying attention once they hear Christina Aguilera belting in the back of the classroom.
Once, I accidentally locked my door before bed. When the moaning started, my mom thought I’d snuck a lover through the window.
Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep, like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an “I Peed a Little” joke here]? Whenever I mention my sleepmoaning, my friends assume I have an illness, a mental condition, or even syphilis.
I wonder what other bizarre and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait ’til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.
Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.
Or, I could become a singer like Justin Bieber. He moans a lot in his music.
The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter, but she’s creepy as hell – a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I’m sure I can find a better role model.
83 Comments
Kelsey @ I-turtle.net
I think we all do something different and unusual when we sleep. I myself don't make noise (I'm pretty quiet) but I do toss and turn a lot. I can be on one side of the bed when I go to sleep but when I wake up, I'm often on the other side. I'd feel bad for my boyfriend; I'd probably be all on top of him.
I know some people are stiff as boards when they sleep; they don't move at all. My sister snores a lot too. I can never fall asleep when she's around; she's so loud, I swear she was a dude, or something.
You should consider recording your voice when you sleep! I'm actually really curious to know what it sounds like.
Shannon
lol! I wish I at <i>least</i> moaned in my sleep. I've been told that I don't move at all. My sister has told me she often checks to make sure that I'm breathing whenever I sleep.
Jhase
Hold up, J-Dawg! Don't just go burning on Moaning Myrtle like that. She loves her pubescent school boys, kay? =D
There is nothing wrong with moaning in your sleep. It's better than constantly ripping one constantly for sure.
Honestly, I don't think its a condition. It's just the way the body works for you. Everyone has something strange about them when they sleep, so I wouldn't try to diagnose it just embrace it. You can fill the background moans for Lea Michele or Chord Overstreet.
Oh and the whip cream can? Yeah…spill it. 😀 Tell us about your alcohol induced fun.
T
Sigh … so sorry this is happening to you. It's called catathrenia and I've had it for over 15 years. You are MOST definitely not alone. It is SO embarrassing! Not to mention disruptive to bed partners and all sorts of social situations (sleeping on a plane, camping, etc). Visit the yahoo group I posted … there are about 200 of us there (and growing) with the same condition. Reluctant members of the catathrenia club 🙁
Becca
LOL, that's such an awkward thing to do in your sleep. The only thing I can think of relating it to is my sister breathes really heavily and often makes grunts, like she just kicked something as hard as she can. I always make fun of her and call her Darth Vader. 😛
I can relate to not being able to sleep in class. Whenever I sleep, I move a lot, like I jump and my feet move. So when I sleep at school, I kind of jump in my seat or I'll like jolt awake and everyone's like staring at me like I'm retarded. So I usually don't sleep in class haha.
Jessica
Oh jeez, this is quite a predicament you are in. I've never heard of anyone <i>sleep moaning</i>.. that is pretty strange.
Maybe you could go to the doctor and have them suggest something? XP And your sleep moaning probably sounds 100x better than any one of Justin Biebers songs lmao. So I definitely think you've got a shot at fame there ;D
Justin Robbins
Lmao. Moaning… who knew. I think I know what you mean tho, my sister does something to that effect. It's almost like breathing… awkwardly.
Gabi
Your site was green before, no? I like the pink better if so. 😀
That's hilarious. I love when people do funny things in their sleep. My friend once yelled, "No it's not, Armando!" when I was sleeping over at her house. We don't know anyone named Armando, and I didn't want to ask her about it. My dad actually moans too, but that's only when he's sick, and it's not funny at all. You have no idea how many episodes of Mad Men have been ruined because he fell asleep on the couch while my mom and I were watching it.
Embrace your moaning. Maybe you could let the people at Inside Edition know about it. They like to run pointless stories about those kinds of things.
Kate
No silly, of course I did something about it. I lost it on a bus so I called the bus info place in the city and asked if they had found a phone blaah blaah, and asked like Telstra or whatever to try and track my mobile but they said they didn't have that kind of technology now (fucking bullshit). Mum wasn't too happy 😛
LOL, good save. I find it funny how you write how you hate them and what you hate about them as they walk past. It's a good idea though because you are focused and it looks real. 🙂
Yes, I am that Kate! It's beeeen so loooooooooooong. I still visited your website every know and then. >_<
– – – – –
I know I don't moan in my sleep, but i think once in a bluemoon i'll mumble something 😛
Can of whipped cream? That could mean anything o_o I hope you remember to lock your doors that night, that might not have been you with the whipped cream….
Not only does Moaning Mytle perve on them in the toilets. she also perves on Harry in the bath in the 5th book. Or 4th. Whatever 😛
I know what you mean about the shampoo adds – I used to moan along with them. "Yes, yesss, YESSS!"
Hahah, good times…
Love Kate
Grysh
It is actually normal. I actually know someone who actually moans while he sleeps, like he is always having wet dreams. Lol. Now that is weird.
SpilledInkGuy
I've yet to listen to a single note of a Justin Bieber song (one of my proudest accomplishments)! I do kinda' like Poker Face, though. So I guess it all balances out. Maybe. 🙂
Dontravious
Moaning in your sleep. that is some interesting facts lol, I have never heard of that before.
well yeah lol your door locked and seemly sexual noises are coming from your room who in their right mind wouldn't think something sexy is going on.
btw nice JB joke lol
Sandra
wow, this is interesting! I never heard of sleep moaning before, but this is something I would really like to know more about.
Yes! Who knows, maybe that's the way to stardom! 😀 I can't help but imagine things while reading your entry — like how it sounded like moo and more of a mueeh :))
Sindara
Hey! You wouldn't get lost if you followed mapquest directions or call me! 😀
My mom isn't to concerned, she knew what it was from the beginning. So I am guessing not.
Yes, he sure is sexy. 😀 TOO young for you though. He is a grade younger than me! So way too young for you.
Miss R
This cracked me up and makes me oh-so-happy that I no longer have a room-mate. On the other hand I do have a boyfriend.
I accused him of making three stooges sounds in his sleep (eiiiiiiickckckckckceiiiiiiickckckckckk). At which point he alerted me to the fact that I talked in my sleep.
My condition is far more dangerous. Especially at my age….there's way too much I need to take to the grave with me.
And by the way…What lover doesn't dig a moaner?!
Leave Comment