Around the globe, scientists are hard at work; discovering more and more about the world around us. From peering into the cosmos to unraveling the secrets of our DNA, they’re making waves in fields like astronomy, genetics, and medicine. But unfortunately, amidst all these groundbreaking discoveries, I can’t help but notice that science is slowly destroying my childhood memories. Below is a list of cases where it has given my adolescence the middle finger.

 
1. Pluto Is Not A Planet

In 2006, Pluto famously got the cosmic boot from the International Astronomical Union, stripped of its planetary title because it didn’t “dominate the neighborhood” around its orbit. With its comet-like appearance, it was officially demoted to “dwarf planet.” Uh, excuse me? How is a dwarf planet not a planet? I mean, cell phones are still phones. Seriously, I’ve got a bone to pick with the IAU: next time you touch one of my planets, I’m gonna kick Uranus.

Back in elementary school, my teacher taught me this awesome mnemonic device: “my very educated mother just served us nine pizzas.” It was the perfect way to remember the order of the planets. But now, thanks to Pluto’s demotion, my mnemonic masterpiece is in shambles. Now I have: “my very educated mother just served us… nachos? noodles? NOTHING?” I love my mom, but she can’t be very educated if she thinks she can rip me off like that.

 
2. The Brontosaurus Never Existed

Back in my childhood days, I was all about collecting dinosaur figurines. Oh man, I cherished them! I’d spend hours concocting wild scenarios where my dino buddies clawed, roared, and even tap danced their way through epic battles. I loved to pit my favorite dinosaur, the Triceratops, against the evil Mr. Brontosaurus. Unfortunately, this memory is ruined, because the Brontosaurus is as real as the Tooth Fairy.

Yeah, you heard that right. Apparently, long ago, some dude stumbled upon the bones of a dinosaur and named it the Apatosaurus. Shortly after, another guy found similar bones and slapped the label “Brontosaurus” on them. Lo and behold, they were the same species and the second guy was an idiot. Apatosaurus took precedence, erasing Brontosaurus from existence and completely ruining the “Land Before Time” series. Well damn, at least my Triceratops is still holding strong. Oh shit.

 
3. Forget About Starfish

Starfish are very marketable to children. They pop up in many children’s books, cartoons, and toys. Perhaps it’s because of their name; I mean, you’ve got a basic shape and a basic animal combining to make a badass creature. The name is utter brilliance. Unfortunately, marine biologists think otherwise. Since starfish technically aren’t fish, they’ve been redubbed “seastars.”

Setting aside the fact that “seastars” aren’t great burning orbs of gas light-years away, or that many of them don’t live in the sea, I think this raises an interesting question: what about all the other confusing animal names? Killer whales? They should be called dolphins! Dragonflies? More like dragon-lies! And sand dollars? Let’s call them what they really are: “not-real-currency.”

And while we’re at it, we should drop all those weird scientific names. The scientific name for a seastar is asteroidea. Hell, that’s a better name for Pluto.