Silent Night? Uhh… Not Quite
Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate and several of his friends hovering over my bed, grinning like they’d just pulled off the ultimate prank. Naturally, I thought they’d sharpied a dingdong on my face. But no, they were just laughing at the strange noises I was making.
Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, why the hell do I get pleasure from dreams about losing my teeth?). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing, and a quick Google search shows I’m not alone.
Sometimes, as I’m drifting off, I hear myself doing it. It’s definitely not flattering. It sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie were a camel or walrus. Yeah, picture an undead cow mooing to the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.”
The moans also echo like the tripod foghorn sounds in the War of the Worlds remake. Imagine a raspy elderly man blowing on his hot soup: muEhhhh. That’s me.
Waking up to an audience isn’t the only downside of my sleepmoaning. I can’t nap in class without everyone knowing about it. Professors always know I’m not paying attention once they hear Christina Aguilera belting in the back of the classroom.
Once, I accidentally locked my door before bed. When the moaning started, my mom thought I’d snuck a lover through the window.
Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep, like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an “I Peed a Little” joke here]? Whenever I mention my sleepmoaning, my friends assume I have an illness, a mental condition, or even syphilis.
I wonder what other bizarre and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait ’til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.
Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.
Or, I could become a singer like Justin Bieber. He moans a lot in his music.
The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter, but she’s creepy as hell – a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I’m sure I can find a better role model.
83 Comments
Angelica
I don’t mean in my sleep. I stop breathing. Sometimes when I’m about to fall asleep I wake up gasping for air since I probably suffer from sleep apnea, something I plan on contacting a doctor about to be properly diagnosed.
Stephanie
You could make a "sounds to sleep with" album to help people sleep?
Lol. It could be worse (or maybe it is?) My boyfriend humps me in his sleep; which depending on my mood is either a shock or pleasant surprise waking up at 2am in the morning to… lol
Liz
Wow, you don't update often D;
Jeniffer
hahaha… sometimes its because we have some problems in sleeping thats why we moaned or also health disease, there lots of factor for that…
Deceive
We all know that moaning in sleep is just how to get the girls.. Good job! 😉
Samuel Warren
Justin,
Interesting article. Entertaining.
Catch you on Bloggers.com
Sam
Thania
your posts never fail to entertain me & make me laugh! haha. "I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face." lmfao.
Gee
I don't have any sleeping problems…someone said I snore a bit, but I heard it too and I'm a deep sleeper. You can't hear yourself snore…right?!
Amanda
Hahah I've missed you too! Long (and I mean long) time no talk!
lolol this comment is a tad late. I just finished school today XD (well yesterday technically since its 12:06 AM but w/e) You've been off for some time now! JEALOUS. I still have finals to take *_*
Hahah ahh you moan in your sleep XD Don't worry, I talk like gibberish in my sleep. In my mind people are talking to me and I respond outloud. But I don't make any sense whatsoever. Haha ahh Moaning Myrtle! XD She's so creepy. Perv. XD
Moni
HEY JUSTIN! wanted to stop by and say hellow!
Jermaine
Justin,
I can honestly say that I've never been to a blog that has engaged a subject matter so sincerely and so accurately. I vividly remember my dorm days and I snore. My roommate was the John Madden Tournament leader so guys were in my room until 4:00 AM. I was the guy who wanted to sleep and get up to be at my 8:00 AM course.
Which means I had a lot of those "why is your roommate snoring" comments. NO FUN. Lucky for you its just "moaning."
Thanks for the flashback, lol.
Boschii
This is hysterical…I know a few sleep-moaners…but I have to say…ur detailed descriptions had me LMAO especiall the War of the Worlds reference because I LOVE that sound effect. I often wake myself up singing…not sure where that came from…but I suppose "there are worse things I could do".
Christine
Hahaha! Aww, I think a lot of people do weird things in their sleep. I talk and mumble about things that make no sense, and sometimes sleep with my eyes open, which creeps out my boyfriend to no end. I say embrace the moans. Maybe tape yourself when you're sleeping and become a youtube sensation?
Cheating Spouse Information
It's funny when you snore during class, 'm sure everyone will stare and laugh at you lol
but this is ok, now I know, im not alone :))
Mike Maynard
Your blog looks good and you have a lot of potential as a writer. I didn't understand some terms but I'm English and I don't really keep up with Lady Gaga and definitely have no interest in Justin Bieber! Humour is difficult and you can't make it funny all the time, especially if you write a blog every day. We need to be inspired.
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