Suck It! Vampires Can Bite Me!

Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something’s immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die, right?

I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart, they’re basically just humans with a dietary restriction. Seriously, the cheerleader from Heroes was more of a badass.

Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. Well actually, I’d probably want to read that issue.

Vampires are nothing but losers. Pointy teeth, pale skin, a fear of sunlight โ€“ they’re basically emo kids. Yet, somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.

Maybe it’s because Twilight got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullenโ€™s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.

And for someone with no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.

Even more ridiculous, these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Halfway through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.

But the creepiest part of Twilight? Edward watching Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? Itโ€™s creepy. Well, pardon me, I guess, for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a love story.

It also doesnโ€™t help that Edward is older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.

These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.

Remember that scene where Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud”? Honestly, I was waiting for her to yell, “Vanilla ice cream!”

And let’s not even talk about Twilight‘s werewolves. Just as Edward is basically a sparkly cougar, Jacob is a poster boy for bestiality. I can’t wait for the spin-off where Bella gives birth to a puppy.

Werewolves were meant to be hideous. They’re MONSTERS! They have excess hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy tail. Girls, if that’s your type, why not just date my uncle?

From experience, the guy who runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is not boyfriend material.

Unfortunately, this teenage obsession shows no sign of stopping. If flesh-eating freaks are the new heartthrobs, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”

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105 Comments
Doug Stephens
Jul 20 4:24 pm

You better watch out. Vampires are gonna come kick your butt. They are, like, super strong and stuff.

Ok, it is more likely hordes of young teenage girls are going to come and rip out your organs for writing this post.

I wonder what repels teenage girls? Oh yeah, me, when I was a teenager.


Shriya
Jul 20 8:57 am

Firstly, I am so sorry for such a late reply. I have had a real crappy day which I don't want to go into, so I could come online. Much as I wanted to.

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. Boyfriends. I am happily committed. But I'd make it a point to let you know if/when I become single. ๐Ÿ˜›

For the facebook addage, you are welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚

To be frank, I have never tried out farmville either. But my sister plays it all the time and the irritating music drives me crazy!

Oh, by the way, I was doing some editing when a server update started. My website is a mess right now. I am so pissed. Could you wait a day before replying to this message? Or if you want, you can email me at-
shriyagarg @ hotmail . com

You know the drill. Just remove the spaces. ๐Ÿ™‚

Thanks so much.


Nancy
Jul 20 8:50 am

:O! Nancy knows that she have low chances of winning, for surreee. She's just a bit scared because her host changed sites and she's the only active hostee left :X! Nancy think talking in a third person point of view is greattilicious! Thank you Justin! Nancy thank you– With a lots of love! (Line stolen from pre-pep games :O) Oh no! Most of the food population- extinct! Maybe she is an alien. :O

Justin, you make the best blog posts EVER! Its like humor and logic mixed together :O! :O! Another one of their weakness is.. Garlic? :O! Which kinda does make them more lamer than normal human beings :P. Because garlic spices up food even more :O! Make them more— unplain. Its super duper weird when a guy watches a girl sleep. Well, not knowing what he'll do :(.


Jess
Jul 20 8:28 am

I completely agree with all of this! I'm a girl and to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't be turned on by some old, old guy with perfect hair (Too much time on his hands, obviously) who's watching me while I sleep. I think that Bella and Edward only make a good couple because they're both emotionally unstable. Bella sees people who aren't there, goes into depression super-easily (good example to be giving teenagers. If your girl/boyfriend leaves, go into a five month meltdown!) and Edward keeps trying to commit suicide.
Sign me up for a Team Hannibal t-shirt! I love that movie ๐Ÿ™‚


Rohfun
Jul 20 6:15 am

Thanks for share


Deanna
Jul 20 5:06 am

Aww, it's so nice of you to lump me in with teenagers. It makes me feel so young lol. Actually, most of the people I talk to that love Twilight are in their 20s. So I don't feel like it's a teenage craze. Maybe it's just because I don't know any teenagers to talk to about Twilight.


ThinkinFyou
Jul 20 4:56 am

FINALLY,someone that sees "Twilight" the way I do!


Lita C. Malicdem
Jul 20 2:40 am

I'm fascinated by your straightforward way of making your ideas click. And you're honest, too. Good work! Keep blogging!


Ashley
Jul 20 1:59 am

LOL This post is fantastic. You're absolutely right. Claire from Heroes was a total badass. It is quite odd how easily vampires are killed.

My favorite vampire adaptation is definitely Interview with the Vampire. In my mind, that is how vampires really are. Yes, I know they still die by timber, but that is the age old tale, right? Twilight has changed vampires completely. It's an interesting twist, but still doesn't change my view of vampires.

I would so buy a Team Hannibal shirt. Just saying!


Pakubhai
Jul 20 12:14 am

It's really fun feeling article. I really enjoyed it. Keep it on.


Christine
Jul 19 10:47 pm

[quote] At one point in the film, Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud.” Honestly, I was waiting for her to look back at him and exclaim, “Vanilla ice cream!” [/quote]
hahaha, I couldn’t stop laughing at that! Now, I do have to admit that I disagree with your blog. I am most definitely a Twi-hard (and I’m not even a teen anymore… that just made me sound creepy). But I get where you’re coming from.

This whole obsession really doesn’t make any sense. I didn’t get it at first either, and was probably the most anti-Twilight person you’d ever meet. But then I caved and decided to start reading the books, and I was hooked. All werewolves and vampires aside, the story itself is nothing more than a beautiful love story. Of course, it’s not easy ignoring all the weird supernatural stuff going on in the stories, but if you could think of the characters as normal humans for a second, it’s actually quite a magical story (that was a total oxymoron, but I hope you get my point).

I guess us girls just have our heads up in the clouds, and dream of that perfect fairy-tale, Prince Charming, happily-ever-after, even if Prince Charming does happen to be an immortal vampire or literally smoldering werewolf.


Erdos0
Jul 19 9:32 pm

I think there are two types of immortality. One is the true type in which no death is possible regardless of what happens. The other type just means death won't happen due to aging, and may also include exclusions of other causes of death like poison, explosions, etc.


Nayana
Jul 19 6:46 pm

LOL I like how that whole blog was bashing vampires and the like! haha Now I used to like the normal vampires that were in novels such as Darren Shan. I am not into this whole Twilight thing and honestly Edwurd is pretty darn ugly if you ask me. And what's with this team Edwurd and Team Whatever he name is – how ridiculous o.0

Thanks so much for the comment on my site. I have gotten my other server back up they were having some issues but they are back. But thanks for the Bubble.nu link, I think I just might switch to them… very soon!

Take care xxx


Angelica
Jul 19 5:54 pm

I actually like Twilight. O_o But I have a healthy relationship to the books (the movies suck) and see then for what they are (young adult literature) and also see the flaws of the books. The fact that Meyer changed vampires I can live with because so did Anne Rice who wrote the most epic vampire books of all time. Of course she didn't change them quite as much as Meyer though. The sparkling thing is a bit too much… The worst part of the books though isn't the changed vampires but Edward's controlling behaviour. I find it alarming that he controls her, decides who she can't see and where she can't go. I've seen that behaviour before, in men abusing their girlfriends! And that's the romantic ideal teenage girls daydream to now? O_O I'm glad I'm old enough to be aware of these things. I doubt most teenage fangirls are.

You asked about the painting I'm working on. It's kind of a portrait of a gothic lady. I'll post it in my blog when it's done. ๐Ÿ™‚


Kath
Jul 19 3:27 pm

Ahahahaha….your blog rocks ๐Ÿ™‚ never laughed this hard before! just read your Vampire post, LOL. Am not infected with the Twilight epidemic also so glad to know I’m not the only one. Cheers!


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