Suck It! Vampires Can Bite Me!
Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something’s immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die, right?
I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart, they’re basically just humans with a dietary restriction. Seriously, the cheerleader from Heroes was more of a badass.
Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. Well actually, I’d probably want to read that issue.
Vampires are nothing but losers. Pointy teeth, pale skin, a fear of sunlight – they’re basically emo kids. Yet, somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.
Maybe it’s because Twilight got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.
And for someone with no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.
Even more ridiculous, these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Halfway through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.
But the creepiest part of Twilight? Edward watching Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Well, pardon me, I guess, for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a love story.
It also doesn’t help that Edward is older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.
These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.
Remember that scene where Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud”? Honestly, I was waiting for her to yell, “Vanilla ice cream!”
And let’s not even talk about Twilight‘s werewolves. Just as Edward is basically a sparkly cougar, Jacob is a poster boy for bestiality. I can’t wait for the spin-off where Bella gives birth to a puppy.
Werewolves were meant to be hideous. They’re MONSTERS! They have excess hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy tail. Girls, if that’s your type, why not just date my uncle?
From experience, the guy who runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is not boyfriend material.
Unfortunately, this teenage obsession shows no sign of stopping. If flesh-eating freaks are the new heartthrobs, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”
105 Comments
Black The Wolf
Cool
Princess
hahaha so true but edward is still hot i luv how he looks with his perfect hair and awsum paleness and in the other hand jacob wow hes just simply hot especially dose abbs
Lucius Malloy's Boy
Just as a disclaimer, I was never into vampires, and Twilight didn't change that (how could it lol).
Vampires are the essence of sexiness. It's the same reasoning behind the sexiness of the bad boy, of motorcycles, etc. Vampires are dangerous, and yet utterly seductive. Just watch Vampire Diaries (except not the pilot) or any of the other normal vampire movies (where the vampire does NOT sparkle).
Werewolves on the other hand, I don't understand. They're cool, but I can't see them being sexy. And fyi Jacob was not a werewolf, he was a SHAPE-SHIFTER and the particular shape their clan shift into is the wolf. They just didn't know the difference between shape-shifters and werewolves.
Dyeve
Oups!
*with*..they just don't..
Dyeve
In my conception of vampires 🙂 they are just normal human beings with don't eat normal things like us and not live like normal people ..normal…. but in the rest they seems pretty …ok – some of them. =)
Nice post, btw! I enjoyed every second. 🙂
Have a nice week-end!
Tiff K
OMG I love this post so much! XD That line of Bella's and Edward's have been spoofed enough but I like your answer the best 😀 VANILLA ICE CREAM! XD hhahaha!
Man twilight is indeed rubbish isn't it? Disgrace to all real fake vamps! XD
hahaa i guess a stake is the proper weapon to kill a vamp because the only way u cn kill it is to stop its heart? But isn't its heart not beating coz it's dead? Weird logic XD In the olden days, I guess you couldn't blow up vamps yet so they used stakes XD
Chynna
Hahaha, seriously – I LOVE your blog posts. I honestly don't get this Twilight mania, though. I've watched the first Twilight and thought it was absolutely shi, so I've refused to watch any sequels, or whatever. The books – well, don't even get me started.
Robert Pattinson is ugly anyway. I see NO appeal, whatsoever. Lol x
Aileen
You know, your Vanilla Ice Cream thing really reminds me of a spoof video on Youtube. She looks back at him and says "a mermaid." Vanilla ice cream is a much better comparison.
I used to love Twilight myself, not anymore though. I used to think the whole watching-her-while-she-sleeps thing was romantic but when you hear your Mum yell "he's a stalker!" you can't take it too seriously.
Haha, very funny rant. Vampires really have lost their credibility. Then again, True Blood is very good.
Tiff
HAHA I actually never thought of vampires that way, although my favorite vampire movies are the ones based on Anne Rice's novels. 🙂
Technically, the wolves in Twilight aren't werewolves, they're shape shifters so they're kind of a pussy version of the real "werewolves". I watch True Blood which is the perfect vampire show: sex, gore, & blood.
This blog was really amusing!
I think that it's only creepy when a guy watches you sleep if he snuck into your room to do it. Otherwise, if you were sleeping & he woke up first & just stared at you because he thought you looked beautiful, then it wouldn't be creepy. It'd be kind of cute because he thinks you're beautiful. haha.
Cy
Ha! This is the first time I've come across your website, but this post is absolute genius. I happen to be a teenage girl, and wow do I HATE Twilight. This whole obsession is totally absurd ~ And everything you've said here is totally right. My favourite part ; "Edward Cullen's greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl."
Great post 🙂
Kat
hey sorry for taking forever to get back to you with all the website shit and all that.
Haha thanks, and I was working as a technical support person at a call centre. I had to work that far away coz there's no jobs going around here 🙁
and in a nutshell basically a bunch of my flatmates got together and got a house behind me and another girls back and didnt tell me so i found out on my own and they were really cliquey (think mean girls but with guys as well)
hahaha great post, made me laugh so much, I dont get why girls obsess over vampires and werewolves either it's like…uhhh you do know they're not real right? besides 'Edward' is a total wuss and like you said he sparkles…wtf? and watches her sleep i'd be like get the fuck out!
i dont know if you've read breaking dawn but if you havent you are in for a treat: think necrophilia, a werewolf falling in love with a half vampire toddler and beastiality as well as a half vampire foetus ripping open Bella's stomach. it's so disturbing and ludicrous you will laugh.
Felisa
VANILLA ICE CREAM!!! Hahahaha I almost died.
I don't get the vampire/werewolf craze either. If I had to pick, I'd go for zombies. At least they're not superficial… they like you for your brains.
Ian C
Biting comedy, thanks for the laugh. I agree that modern vampires are lame and I am proud to wear my 'Team Nosferatu' shirt.
I did hear that Mattel were contemplating tapping the monster market with "Bloodsucking Barbie" and her lupine boyfriend "LyKen"
Olivia H.
lol… Well, vampires are ya know… fiction. You can believe vampires are immortal and eat garlic for breakfast. Who can argue? Edward Cullen isn't good looking, lol. Although I guess he's supposed to be. lol @ Team Hannibal. There will have to be a romance novel about a sexy, bad ass teenage Hannibal first…
Erin Nicole
Some girls go for the bad boy. I don't understand that either.
Hahahahahaha. He is ugly. I don't get the sensation over Edward or Taylor. :/ It annoys me to death. & yeah twilight does have him and Taylor with perfect hair. Hahahaha. How ironic.
Hahahahahaha. That is funny! I love x-men but seeing twilight as x-men? Uhm, no. Lol.
OMG! I LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY! HOLY CRAP THAT CRAP WAS SCARY! XD I want to watch it again. Lol. I'm so weird.
Anyway, that is creepy. I've never seen any of the movies and I don't care to. Just cuz the story lines are all messed up.
hahahahahah. That would be one hilarious parody. XD Omg. I can just see it now! *watches it in her head*
OMG! you are so mean to your uncle, seriously. Hahahahahahahaha.
No, they are def not the most stable bf's.
LMFAO! Someone should sell shirts like that just to make fun of the Twilight series. They'd make good money, seeing as there are just as many fans as haters. 🙂
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Thanks! <3 I do feel better now after a vacation. I just needed to get out of town. Hahaha. I did one better, I got out of state and state and state. XD I went all of the way from AL to Ohio. 🙂
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