Suck It! Vampires Can Bite Me!
Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something’s immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die, right?
I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart, they’re basically just humans with a dietary restriction. Seriously, the cheerleader from Heroes was more of a badass.
Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. Well actually, I’d probably want to read that issue.
Vampires are nothing but losers. Pointy teeth, pale skin, a fear of sunlight – they’re basically emo kids. Yet, somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.
Maybe it’s because Twilight got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.
And for someone with no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.
Even more ridiculous, these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Halfway through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.
But the creepiest part of Twilight? Edward watching Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Well, pardon me, I guess, for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a love story.
It also doesn’t help that Edward is older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.
These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.
Remember that scene where Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud”? Honestly, I was waiting for her to yell, “Vanilla ice cream!”
And let’s not even talk about Twilight‘s werewolves. Just as Edward is basically a sparkly cougar, Jacob is a poster boy for bestiality. I can’t wait for the spin-off where Bella gives birth to a puppy.
Werewolves were meant to be hideous. They’re MONSTERS! They have excess hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy tail. Girls, if that’s your type, why not just date my uncle?
From experience, the guy who runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is not boyfriend material.
Unfortunately, this teenage obsession shows no sign of stopping. If flesh-eating freaks are the new heartthrobs, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”
105 Comments
Senyth
Hahahaha. Your comments about Edward Cullen and Twilight made me LOL! I agree with you and I don't think they're real. If they were, I don't think they're like those vampires in Twilight or whatsoever. That's why Twilight makes me cringe. URGH. Watching someone as they sleep. Yuck. Sounds more like a stalker to me.
As for the website I made, it's $130, more or less. And I'm taking up most of my major subjects this sem. Hehe!
Jolly Princess
Nah! I do not want to be bitten by a vampire and be like them. I want to enjoy beaches in broad day light. Right, they are losers. I am glad I am human. 🙂
Holly
Haha of course I wasn't stealing it. My neighbour gave me the code!
Not much to be honest. I've have been sunbathing at the beach and doing lots of swimming.
Oh I vampire stuff. It's everywhere and driving me insane!
I don't get Twilight at all. Vampires shouldn't be seen as attractive. They are just like mosquitoes with their blood sucking and nobody finds mosquitoes attractive!
Mallory
Dude, if you make shirts that read 'Team Hannibal', you'd better fucking believe that I'd buy one.
… So long as they were black. And preferably and slim fitting. None of that shapeless baggy bullshit!
XD;
Seriously, though, ever thought of making shirts like that …? I'm positive you could come up with about a million different clever sayings to put on the front of 'em, and I'm also positive that loads of people would buy! =3;
More to the blog topic, though, when I first read the Twilight books as they were released — Note: Before the movies came out — I absolutely loved them. I found Edward to be a little overbearing at times, but overall, I thought them to be a good read.
Then the movies came out and totally killed it for me. Sure, I still like the books, and I'm even sure I would like the films when I finally watch them, but the insanity over them, the HYPE, just completely turned me off the whole series! Ugh.
And may I remind all Edward fangirls reading this that NO ONE liked the idea of Robert Pattinson being chosen for the role of Edward at first. NO ONE. You couldn't find a single positive comment about his being cast for the second-lead role anywhere online … And yet the minute the movie actually came out, everyone reverted to loving the fuck out of him.
WTF?!
Honeul
Lol, I was ecstatic with Twilight before, but after a few months I realized how stupid the book is.
Shriya
This is a copied message to all my friends: TheVault.6birds.net is up again. I am so sorry for the inconvenience. 🙁
Clairessa
Vampires are emo! Especially my beloved ones on True Blood lol. Lol. I haven't seen Eclispe. I might rent it or something but XMen sequel joke was still funny hehe. I do not find being obsessed or stalkerish behavior flattering or amusing lol. Lol, icecream. Lol! I'd love to hear how that 911 call would go lol!
Veronica
BUAHAHA I totally agree… I think Twilight has really skewed what Vampires and Werewolves are all about. I've watched all three movies… and really I thought I was going to die of boredom and crappy acting.
I totally don't get the hype… but maybe that's because I've evolved.
Sam
I never watch that Twilight even my daughter don't want to watch it. I'd rather read your post than watching it. I had fun here lol!
Jasmine
If someone broke into my house and watched me sleep without me knowing I'd call the police 😛
Grace
haha! exactly my opinion! I am a teen girl and I CAN'T STAND this Twilight bullshit! 🙂 Thanks for the laugh, i needed that!
James
Its all bo**ocks. Really. Preteens being fascinated by some nether world creature, with a script that is designed to pull at certain strings. Wonder if it would have been so successful, if the main protagonists were regarded as fat, obese, smelly, bad eating habits, smelly…did I say smelly…yup thats there. Moronic, supercillious crap. Your site though is cool. Uber cool…I mean UBER…cool.
Thanks for the add on blogsphere and all that. Keep on keeping on.
james James
Ladygoodwood
I agree. They don't do vampires like they used to! Christopher Lee is what a vampire should be. Pointy hairline, sweeping cloak and an aversion to mirrors.
I live on a farm in England and we have a huge wooden barn where bats roost. I don't trust the little buggers and routinely sleep with garlic down me nightie!
Alex
thanks lol i'm excited to get my vw
Sean
It's because of the simple fact that Twilight vampires glisten in the sun (if they can go in the sun then why are they so pale anyway?) that Buffy is much better than Twilight.
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