Close Encounters of the Scared Kind
In my experience, first dates are a recipe for awkwardness. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation flowing. Inevitably, I run out of things to say, leading to long, uncomfortable silences. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and, most importantly, doesn’t provide any background noise to mask my farts.
To avoid these awkward moments, I come armed with a list of questions. A first date with me becomes a full-fledged interrogation. My favorite question to ask is, “What are you afraid of?” It’s a fantastic icebreaker. You can learn a lot about a person from their fears.
Fears reveal vulnerabilities and pain. They make us relatable. In the past, my soon-to-be boyfriends have mentioned spiders, heights, and even death. One dude said he was afraid of the mystery meat in school cafeterias. That date would have gone much better if I hadn’t already ordered meatloaf.
All these fears make sense to me. They’re practical and life-saving. Being fearful of “tall buildings” and “rotten foods” can keep you safe. Sadly, my fear doesn’t follow the same logic. It’s bizarre and unlikely to ever protect me. It spooks me. It keeps me up at night. It makes me suck my thumb and hide under my blanky.
So now you’re probably wondering, “What on Earth scares him so much?” Well, stop thinking so narrow-mindedly. My fear isn’t on Earth. My fear is literally out of this world. I’m afraid of aliens.
To clarify, I’m talking about aliens from outer space, not the ones that come from, say, Cuba.
Aliens totally freak me out, especially the cliché, cartoony ones. I don’t care if they come in peace. They need to back off with their big black eyes, giant green heads, and awkwardly elongated arms.
When I look at pictures of them, I feel a strange discomfort. Maybe I was abducted in the past or something… Oh dear god, WHERE IS MY BLANKY?!
When an alien pops up in a movie, I don’t just pee a little. I pee so much I have nothing left inside of me and deflate like an inflatable mattress. When I was younger, the film E.T. the Extraterrestrial scared the living air out of me.
Seriously, that movie wrecked me. I was constantly on edge because one of the lamps in our living room cast a shadow that looked just like his glowing hand and turdish body. One night, I had a terrible nightmare and woke up screaming, “E.T. tried to finger me!”
Ridiculous dreams have always been a part of my childhood. I had recurring nightmares about those talking M&M mascots. Instead of me trying to eat them, they were always trying to eat me. In retrospect, for all the trauma they put me through, those talking M&Ms can bite me.
Being afraid of “the M&M people” kind of makes sense. I mean, M&Ms are a registered trademark of the Mars snack-food company. Yes, Mars like Martians. What if the connection isn’t a coincidence? What if our planet has already been invaded?
We must fight back with another bite-sized candy. I’d suggest Reese’s Pieces, but we all know E.T. loves them.
121 Comments
Anna / KittyCat
Aliens are cool :D!!!!
But, I'm scared of the grudge :O… People find that weird too and always make that scary noise… I hate them, they think it's funny but I almost die!!
Sarahc
Aw, aliens! So I guess I couldn't get you to watch Alien Ressurection with me, huh? =) I'm afraid of heights. Yeah, even getting on the ferris wheel freaks me out ;(
And, I'm keeping februaryaffair, heh.
Lani
Oh Justin, I want to believe…
But I like sci-fi too much to be afraid of aliens, although I hated ET with a passion… I wanted to stab him… hard… in the back.
Although I too share your feelings of ostracism for having a weird fear, I'm afraid of babies. Holding them, looking at them, how I should react when talking about them, being asked to look after them… everything. Babies are just scary stuff.
Lillie
omg…
what about chicken little D:?!
Robmarie
The truth is out there, Justin! XD
Anonymous
First of all, I would like to say, I absolutely love your domain name.
Your fear of aliens isn't that odd. I know a few people that are afraid of them. But you know, they're probably not that bad. I'm sure some of them think the sames things about us.
Have you ever seen the movie Cloverfield? If you haven't, don't. If ET scared you, that one will give you a seizure.
Actually, I'm really into the whole extra-terrestrials thing. I'd love to at least communicate with one before I die.
My biggest fear is pretty stupid, though. A lot worse than yours. Mine's large bodies of water. Actually, not even large bodies. Any body of water. I can sit in a bathtub but that's about it.
So it could always be worse. At least you're not afraid of pickles or something. (I saw that on the Maury Show once. For real.)
Vincent
Ooh aliens? I know that the film "War of the Worlds" scared me, so I would definitily recommend NOT watching that.. I've never seen E.T. personally, I didn't think it was sad or worth crying about, twas a midget in a skeleton costume.
Chrys
Don't worry there is an actual fear of BUTTERFLYS. I do not understand… They are COMPLETELY harmless. And they look so pretty… They are completely fragile… And it's not like they can fly fast!!
I never watched E.T. I think I have a fear of bad graphics in movies… 😀
Awh, shucks 🙂 I can see my little link. Whoop, whoop.
Melle
i'm one of those people who has this fear of heights. idk if aliens are for real.. there was a humor before that angelina jolie plans to adopt em.. lol the movie E.T made me cry though
ps: if ever you'll visit my blog.. the password for my post is: whatcanmelsay
Kari
1st off, God Bless the name of your website! (bet you didn't have to fight people to get that domain name huh 😉 )
2nd off, your last paragraph ALMOST made me pee a lot!
3rdly and lastly….I guess you aren't a fan of "Signs"….
Fia
I don't really fear anything I haven't seen yet so aliens do not scare me. A lot of blood does though. I';; probably faint. But it's pretty weird how you fear aliens. 🙂 Some aliens are cute. LMAO xD
Andrea
ohh Justin, you made my day!! Where do you come up with this stuff? 😀
(and thanks for the wicked craving for Reese's pieces now 🙁 )
Jeffrey
lmao i found your site off shellz n this blog is so halarious. especially if you read it as if fred figglehorn( youtube kid fred ) was saying it. " aliens just dont make me pee a ittle.. they make me pee until i have nothing let inside of me. if i have a close encounter of the third kind, i will scream at the top of my lungs, slam my door in his/her/its face, and then run in the opposite direction like a little girl. and then the face u used ohhh miiii gawwdd halarious. lol the entire blog is amazing.
Shellz
2nd comment? ha, wow. =D
I've always feared 'mystery meat' day at school, except they called it "Chef's Choice" eek! Justin, have you ever seen a fetus like 5 or 6 months before it's born? It looks like a baby alien, in a way, cuz their eyes are like all undeveloped and stuff, lol.
M&MS isn't taste the rainbow, that's Skittles! lol ET was the nice one, but you never know. o_0
Have you seen War of the Worlds?
Stephine
Haha. The blogs that you come up with are absolutely great. They make my bad days good and my good days better 🙂 Be careful with aliens, they can like transform into people looking things or something like that, I seen it on a movie once. They like take other peoples faces and whatnot.
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