It’s Time to Sneeze the Day!
I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone in the world hates me, or everyone in the world is deaf. Or both. Yeah, it’s definitely both. The world is full of hearing-impaired jackasses who don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam.
Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can remember, no one has ever acknowledged my sneezes. I never get a “bless you.” I don’t get “gesundheit.” Hell, no one even asks if I shat myself.
I suppose people have told me “bless you” before… just not for sneezes. I mean, I’ve done other sinister acts that warranted the Lord’s blessings. Like that time I got in a fistfight, or when I was a bully in school. Oh, and that one time I called everyone on the planet hearing-impaired jackasses.
But that was long ago. I’m an innocent little angel now. I deserve better. When I get sick and start sneezing my lungs out, I demand to be comforted. Quit giving me the “common cold shoulder.”
Whether I’m at work, at a friend’s house, or just day drinking at Chuck E. Cheese, please pay attention to my nose burps!
Maybe I’ve overreacting. Maybe you don’t all hate me. Maybe you’re not all deaf. Some of you might just be confused. I get that. I’ve been told my sneezes don’t sound like sneezes. Sometimes they sound like roars. They can be loud, aggressive, and even scary (which is all the more reason you should ask if I shat myself).
My sneeze has two parts. Phase One is the attack. It sounds like an ostrich stepping on its own neck. It has a loud “gawwwk” screech that literally confuses pigeons and makes them fly into glass windows.
Phase Two is a half-second mix of every animal mating call at once. It starts pretty low and ends about two octaves higher. An astute listener might even pick up hints of a car engine running on peanut butter. As the sneeze subsides, it jiggles away like Elvis Presley is hound doggin’ it up in my nose.
I asked my boyfriend to describe the overall experience, and he put it best when he said, “It sounds like someone’s shaking a weasel.”
So there you have it. I sneeze like I shake weasels. I’m a no-good weasel shaker. I’ve probably orphaned a little baby ferret somewhere.
Is that a sin? Probably. But now we know my sneezes are atrocities that require divine intervention. So ironically, I deserve to be told “bless you” more than anyone else on the planet.
So please, bless me. Help me find Jesus. Save me from this downward weasel spiral. If matters don’t improve soon, when I die, I won’t even get into Hell. I’ll have to go someplace worse: Walmart.
81 Comments
Nnie
Lol~ I don’t knowww , I’ve bought the dvd though.
Aha, thank you!
Anywayyy . How are you?
~ people never bless me after I sneeze, too.
Kay
aww you poor baby…I mean…susan?!
Bless you then 😀
hmm, my sneezes are actually sort of girlly (well duh I am a girl) they’re just…like achoo.
noo, they just think that when people sneeze (used to think in like the old old old days) that you’re soul came out..so like you know, if god blessed you then you would be fine 🙂
don’t ask me how I know these things.
K-mart? what’s so bad about k-mart?
Asterid
Um….gesundheit?
Regina
People never bless me after I sneeze, but my explanation for that is that they don’t care enough. 😛
As to your comment: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Butler_Yeats – this is the guy that’s making me cry. 🙁
Nini
Meh… PHP includes are confusing at first :s and yup, they’re like a miracle XD
Sneezes oh sneezes. Once I sneeze, it has to be like, 5 or more times in a row. :S
Stephine
I’m not sure what your comment even ment 😐 Lmao. And I can’t wait for the surprise either 🙂
LMAO! Wow. You come up with the most amazing blogs ever. GIVE ME SOME COOL IDEAS 🙂 Hahaha. No, just kidding. How do you think all of this stuff up? You are hilarious.
Meaghan
Haha nice. How much are you worth then? =P
Sneezes :0 I hate sneezing. I sneezed like a million times this morning =/
My sneezes are always heard whether I like it or not D:
Evtiff
wow sneezes? lol thats cool though. haha is it like really quiet and high pitch? i dont sneeze a lto to figure it out lol and awwe i hope you get your respect. and uhh its all sexual realated (what he asked)
Rachel
Hahaha, awesome sneezes xD I know this girl whose sneezes are… well I can’t even describe them. But whenever she sneezes, everyone always laughs at her 😛 And one of her teachers was like “Jenny, you don’t have to hold it in. WAIT. THAT’S HER NATURAL SNEEZE??”
Ahh K-mart, bad bad place. Though Walmart actually scares me… the number of creepy-looking/seeming people who shop at the one by me is HUGE. Argh.
Lillie
yes i am (: smartie bo bartie. but i have to change the tones and the shapes a little. stills takes a while 😮
the flowers from scratch tho. i just cant perfectly vexel ppl 😛
Gillian
Im creepy ?!?! Oh no you didnt.
Yeah i would think those are reasonable precautions to take.
Minteh
Wow, not even in CHUCK E CHEESES?! :0
That’s cruel.
Gillian
Lmao oh Justin.
You and pee.
Its an unbreakable combo.
Your sneeze sounds pretty lethal.
Cant even imagine the havock that breaks lose when youre sick ! ;o
Mizzy
I heard somewhere that people in the olden days used to think that something happened to make you sneeze, therefore they said, “God Bless” in order to keep your safe or something. I wouldn’t know, I’m not religious in the least.
Anyway, I’m sure your sneezes aren’t that bad. In fact, my husband sneezes 15 times in a row *every time*… Yeah.
Gillian
Lmao yes not on new years though.
Jsut on random occasions when i dont mean for it to happen but it does. xD
Wow scary sneezes eh ? Dont worry i know this one girl .. when she sneezes we think someone got shot cause it sounds like the highest pitched scream ever.
She actually gets in trouble by teachers .. but then we have to back her up and say thats just her natural sneeze hehe.
Justin, you have my complete respect .. just know that. 😛
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