It’s Time to Sneeze the Day!
I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone in the world hates me, or everyone in the world is deaf. Or both. Yeah, it’s definitely both. The world is full of hearing-impaired jackasses who don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam.
Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can remember, no one has ever acknowledged my sneezes. I never get a “bless you.” I don’t get “gesundheit.” Hell, no one even asks if I shat myself.
I suppose people have told me “bless you” before… just not for sneezes. I mean, I’ve done other sinister acts that warranted the Lord’s blessings. Like that time I got in a fistfight, or when I was a bully in school. Oh, and that one time I called everyone on the planet hearing-impaired jackasses.
But that was long ago. I’m an innocent little angel now. I deserve better. When I get sick and start sneezing my lungs out, I demand to be comforted. Quit giving me the “common cold shoulder.”
Whether I’m at work, at a friend’s house, or just day drinking at Chuck E. Cheese, please pay attention to my nose burps!
Maybe I’ve overreacting. Maybe you don’t all hate me. Maybe you’re not all deaf. Some of you might just be confused. I get that. I’ve been told my sneezes don’t sound like sneezes. Sometimes they sound like roars. They can be loud, aggressive, and even scary (which is all the more reason you should ask if I shat myself).
My sneeze has two parts. Phase One is the attack. It sounds like an ostrich stepping on its own neck. It has a loud “gawwwk” screech that literally confuses pigeons and makes them fly into glass windows.
Phase Two is a half-second mix of every animal mating call at once. It starts pretty low and ends about two octaves higher. An astute listener might even pick up hints of a car engine running on peanut butter. As the sneeze subsides, it jiggles away like Elvis Presley is hound doggin’ it up in my nose.
I asked my boyfriend to describe the overall experience, and he put it best when he said, “It sounds like someone’s shaking a weasel.”
So there you have it. I sneeze like I shake weasels. I’m a no-good weasel shaker. I’ve probably orphaned a little baby ferret somewhere.
Is that a sin? Probably. But now we know my sneezes are atrocities that require divine intervention. So ironically, I deserve to be told “bless you” more than anyone else on the planet.
So please, bless me. Help me find Jesus. Save me from this downward weasel spiral. If matters don’t improve soon, when I die, I won’t even get into Hell. I’ll have to go someplace worse: Walmart.
81 Comments
Gillian
That sucks. Memorizing lines for what ? Im not up to much, just listening to music and msn-ing.
Gillian
Oh geez lmao.
ANYWAYS, leaving the chest hair aside, whats up ?!
Dylan
What type of lines?
And right now I’m working on one of meh many homework assignments.
Gillian
LMAO.
Im pretty sure the girl ones DID NOT have chest hairr ! 😐
Justin R
Justin.. you over-think everything. I love it. lmao
Um, it was once thought that a sneeze were evil spirits exiting the body, so we said God Bless You to clense your new evil-less soul.
Yeah. Oddness.
Ah, well..
PS: God Bless You
Gillian
Very VERY true.
Kay
haha okay, pardon me then.
We don’t have K-Marts over here so I wouldn’t know (canada)
but we do have wal-marts…is that the same-ish?
Martha? I’m so outta of it..
Dylan
Yeah. Probably this morning before i took meh shower. ha. So, what’s up?
Ben
Doctors scare me. Not as much as dentists. Ours wears scary snadals and he keeps barking randomly. 😐
Asterid
I heard the newest underworld movie won’t have Kate Beckinsale in it. Which is a little silly. She must have become too expensive.
Guitar Hero on expert? I just can’t think that fast. I should start paying attention at work to the people playing the demo. Some of them probably play on expert.
Mary
LOL guess what?? I survived its a miracle!!! I didn’t kill anyone but I got a few urges to kill my oldest cousin 😛 It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.
Chrys
Awwh, that’s a shame about your sneezes scaring everyone. We have a girl in our class (who I swear is going to be an Olympic runner someday, but anyway) and she has the cutest little sneeze ever. It’s like a little mouse 🙂 Hahhaa. Really adorable.
I love Cops & Robbers too 🙂 It’s amazing. Hahhaa. Better than hide-and-go seek. I don’t like that game, it confuses me.
Miss Dre
I think most people produce different sounds when they sneeze. It’s weird, eh? But I think the sound of yours, the way you’ve described it, is something I have never heard before. 😛
Jhase
I’m sorry, but I must disagree with your ending statement.
There is a far worse place than K-Mart. It is called Wal-Mart.
The descriptive form of Hell, with Satan lurking in his chair Hershey Bars and a monstrous cackle of what sounds like a possible evil life, minus the choking and premature gurgle that roars out instead.
No, K-Mart is the inter-between before you reach Wal-Mart. There, you are subdued to much worse.
Like the arrival of Barney and Friends….
Shellz
Wow, that’s deep…lol
Reminds me of my grandma’s sneeze, you’d think she was dying, lmao
p.s. glad you like the project, it took me about 4 or 5 hours. 😀
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