Suck It! Vampires Can Bite Me!
Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something’s immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die, right?
I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart, they’re basically just humans with a dietary restriction. Seriously, the cheerleader from Heroes was more of a badass.
Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. Well actually, I’d probably want to read that issue.
Vampires are nothing but losers. Pointy teeth, pale skin, a fear of sunlight – they’re basically emo kids. Yet, somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.
Maybe it’s because Twilight got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.
And for someone with no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.
Even more ridiculous, these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Halfway through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.
But the creepiest part of Twilight? Edward watching Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Well, pardon me, I guess, for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a love story.
It also doesn’t help that Edward is older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.
These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.
Remember that scene where Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud”? Honestly, I was waiting for her to yell, “Vanilla ice cream!”
And let’s not even talk about Twilight‘s werewolves. Just as Edward is basically a sparkly cougar, Jacob is a poster boy for bestiality. I can’t wait for the spin-off where Bella gives birth to a puppy.
Werewolves were meant to be hideous. They’re MONSTERS! They have excess hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy tail. Girls, if that’s your type, why not just date my uncle?
From experience, the guy who runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is not boyfriend material.
Unfortunately, this teenage obsession shows no sign of stopping. If flesh-eating freaks are the new heartthrobs, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”
105 Comments
Sean
So… When are we seeing Eclipse?
Rachel
I completely agree with you, I've never understood any of it. Though what confuses me most about twilight is how so many girls across the world seem to genuinely think/believe/want to believe that Edward is real and that he's going to come and find them and fall in love with them like some knight in shining armour. I wrote a blog post about that a year ago and nobody understood it then. Anyone understand it now? I still don't. xD
Kissliin
LOL. I do love the Twilight books, but then the movie just ruined my whole imagination! But your post sure made me laugh. Especially the vanilla ice cream one! That was really…awkward? LOL. I'd rather just stick with the books and my imagination. At least in my imagination, the acting isn't as bad as the movie. HAHAHA. But my friends and I want to watch the movies just so that we can compare and laugh about the people. Honestly, I think the people in front of us were really pissed of. Who cares anyways?
GRRR. The team Edward and Jacob shirts are driving me insane! I mean, I wouldn't want to waster my money on something that's not going to last long! I bet that after the very last movie is going to come out, those shirts will be useless
Zaphiie
I agree, Twilight is awful. Very funny post, especially the bit about vanilla ice cream 😀
I find the creepiest bit that she has a 100-and-something year old guy watch her while she sleeps. D:
Jacklyn
ROFL the vanilla ice cream bit cracked me up.
I don't have anything against the Twilight saga, but it amazes me how girls are OBSESSING over it.. Totally overrated :9
Zoya
This post made me laugh, but I must point out that when Interview with a Vampire came out women were swooning over vampires and in the days of Buffy Oz was a werewolf was he not?
Christine
Mad props! I cannot stand the Twilight craze, or the vampire craze. I'm sick of kids walking around with the Team Edward shirts, or what have you. I'm sick of kids obsessing over how hot Rob Whatshisname is. I know it's a trend but it still annoys me. Awesome and funny post! I'm lovin' it. =]
Dezi
Pfft, Edward is clearly a flesh eating mermaid, I don't get where they got this whole 'vampire' crap.
I'm on Team Carrots, forget team Edward and Jacob, Carrots are sexier, and not creepy pedophiles. Seriously, would you date a hundred year old man when you're 16? Yeah, but you're willing to date Edward. Wtf?
Jenny
Your posts always make me laugh, even when it's something I loathe, aka, sparkly vampires and stupid movie franchises. Maybe I'm getting old, but I don't get fangirls nowadays. What happened to wooing HUMANS (who don't have creepy fetishes)??
Lilly
lol this post made me laugh! 🙂 I give it props.
And I totally agree. I love vampires, but Twilight messed it up bad. But at least Twilight is fun to make fun of.
Rachel
Lol your funny Justin. But I still love Jacob :p
Hilde
Great post! (You write really well, I must say) I read all the Twilight books but yeah, the sparkling thing and such was a little bit too much, in my opinion. Personally, I don't think Kirstin Steward (is that how you write it??) and Edward Pattinson are hot 🙁 Edward is a little bit creepy. I liked Edward more as Cedric Diggory, but that's just because I am a Harry Potter whore :X
Becca
LMAO that is one of the best Twilight blogs I've read :') And people say that crap is better than Potter. *sigh*
Kitty
I am so loving this post! I especially like the bit on the hair and the glistening bit. XD
Zoe
I seriously have to start reading your blogs more often, they are hilarious! You make very valid points. I love this part "And besides, if vampires have no reflection, how the hell does he always have such perfect hair?" and this part "At one point in the film, Bella says, "You're pale white and ice cold. I know what you are," and Edward responds, "Say it. Say it, out loud." Honestly, I was waiting for her to look back at him and exclaim, "Vanilla ice cream!"" I am still laughing! Good on you!
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