They say the early bird gets the worm. I don’t know who they are, but in my humble opinion, they should mind their own business. I mean, who started this stupid rumor? Was it the birds? Is this some sort of avian conspiracy? If so, I hope they all catch a case of the bird flu.

I call BS on this whole “early bird” theory. It implies that people who wake up early, or accomplish things first, will reap all the benefits. That’s ridiculous. It’s not advantageous to be the first one up in the morning. Just ask the worm.

That idiom is a buzzkill. It assumes that all birds have an equal chance of being up at the crack of dawn, when, in actuality, some birds face additional hardships. You know, like the poverty-stricken birds that can’t afford alarm clocks. They are stuck on bird-feed stamps. They live in cardboard nests.

And on the other end of the spectrum, you’ve got birds with an upper wing. Roosters are always up early. That’s kind of their thing.

And don’t get me started on night owls.

In all seriousness, not everyone is a morning person. Some people thrive at night. We shouldn’t have to follow any set schedule. We can accomplish greatness whenever we want.

I don’t want to live in a world where I can only be successful if I wake up at the butt-crack of dawn. I’m always late to everything, so my life would forever be a disaster. I’d probably end up with the shittiest job ever. I’d be working some super sketch third-shift job at a nuclear testing facility scrubbing poop off of radioactive toilets. So yes, it’d be a shitty job indeed.

And worst of all, I’d be a loser. I wouldn’t make a name for myself. No one would know my name. They’d call me Hell. They’d call me Stacey. That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

All because of a stupid expression about a stupid bird. Sigh. I guess I’ll get over it. It’s not worth the trouble. The early bird can keep his damn worm. I don’t want to eat a nasty ass invertebrate anyway. Call me crazy, but I believe that sleeping-in and having a mediocre existence sounds much better than chomping down on a squirmy, nasty bug.

Unless the worm is gummy.