With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics have me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, recreating gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and pondering the possibility that those shiny medals might be chocolate. Talk about a thrill ride! Whoever dreamed up the Olympics deserves a tasty gold medal.

The Olympic games are a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive. And honestly? I’m loving every minute of it. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a wishlist for Olympic activities that would make my day…

 
1. Untangling Headphones

Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a battle of wits and patience. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go stream Taken). Seriously though, untangling those bad boys is an art form, a skill honed through trial and error, and maybe a touch of madness. If you can navigate the labyrinth of wires without losing your cool, you truly deserve a medal. I certainly can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.

But to be honest, there’s something fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a mischievous goblin tying knots in my pocket. In that case, here’s my proposal: let’s turn “untangling” into an Olympic event, and we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from around the world kick some tiny goblin ass.

 
2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk

I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Whenever I indulge in a bit too much, doorknobs quit working. I can twist and turn them all I want, but I’d have better luck solving a Rubix cube. Doors are up there with calculus, physics, and trying to decipher what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it’d be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.

Forget your standard Olympic fare; the drunk-door-a-thon would bring a whole new level of unpredictability. Take Michael Phelps, for instance – would he be a jovial drunk, professing his love to the door? Or perhaps a belligerent drunk, accusing the door of not being his real father? Heck, maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout towards the door, “Alohomora!”

 
3. Crushing Things with your Boobs

The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone proud… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you raise an eyebrow, let me clarify: I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. They’re like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m at, they’re always staring back at me. But hear me out – more boobs in the Olympics could be a game-changer for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.

In case you’re too frightened to watch, let me summarize it: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. It’s bizarre, it’s mesmerizing, and it’s oddly impressive. I mean, it takes serious pressure to squish a beer can. With a bit of training, athletes could use their knockers for good – flattening bricks, crushing cars, you name it. Finally, there’d be a pro to having man-boobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.