As a kid, I did some really weird shit…

For starters, I had this thing with dolls. But instead of tea parties, I preferred to tie yarn around their necks, hang them over the staircase, and put on a “puppet show.” Needless to say, my mom thought I was spiraling down a path of lynching and murder.

Then there were my Mortal Kombat moments. Picture this: the lights go out, everyone in the family is on edge, and suddenly, I burst into the room wielding an inflatable bat, belting out “FINISH HIM!”

And let’s not forget, one time I boobie-trapped our entire house because I thought those talking M&M guys were out to get me.

Perhaps my pièce de résistance was my weekly Madonna tribute. Every Friday, I’d slip into my mom’s stilettos and belt out her classics like a mini Material Girl. Surprisingly, my mother never picked up that I might be gay.

Yet amidst the chaos, one game stands out as my crowning achievement: The Face-Off. The rules were simple: every time I saw my Dad, I had to make the goofiest face imaginable. Think contorted features and feral growls. Sometimes I’d squint my eyes. Other times, I’d pull on my ears. One time, I vividly remember putting a Hot Wheels car in my mouth and spitting it at him.

Yeah, my faces were pretty disturbing. I would pop out my eyes like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.

Now, Dad wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. When I went full-on deranged with my expressions, he matched me beat for beat, turning our house into a sideshow spectacle. It was like playing peek-a-boo, but with all parties involved looking constipated.

But there was one showdown where Dad truly outdid himself. With a masterful display of facial contortion, he fell to the floor, pouted his lips, and rolled his eyes in the back of his head. I tried to counter by pulling on my hair and yelping obnoxious goat noises. But as Dad continued to flop around like a wounded pigeon, I admitted defeat and started laughing. Surprisingly, he didn’t stop; opting to continue motorboating the air. Impressive technique. How the hell was he making such an amazing face?

Well, it turns out he was having a seizure.