You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. So what the heck do you eat at a candlelight dinner?

If you haven’t noticed, I have deep disdain for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and consequently, now they’re on my list of “things that make you go derp,” alongside Dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m normally all about romance. In fact, I might be the most romantic person on the planet. My dream date? A walk on the beach where the water is 90% chocolate, 10% strawberries, and 10% roses. Oh, and 40% unicorns. There will be no math on this date.

But I draw the line at candlelight dinners. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people. Think about it. The only reason they’re so “romantic” is because you can’t see the person sitting across from you.

The whole concept is offensive. If someone invites me to a candlelight dinner, I’ll immediately assume I’m hideous. It’s like, “Hey honey. We’re eating in the dark, because your face looks like a rabid baboon’s butt cheek.”

And while we’re at it, why are candles even a thing? Do people still rely on them? Candlelight isn’t practical anymore. Eons have passed since the invention of candles. We have lightbulbs now, and frankly, they’re a much brighter idea.

Yeah, candles are not efficient at enhancing our vision. If we must use them, let’s use them to enhance a better-suited sense, like our sense of smell. I’ll totally concede that candles are great for that.

Wait. Hold up. Candles are used to mask bad odors. Wow. This is more offensive than I realized. Every time I’m invited to a candlelight dinner, I must not only be fugly, but I must also smell like cat piss.

Well, damn, I’m embarrassed. Is it my cologne? Do I sweat too much? Perhaps I should try that new Britney Spears perfume. What was it called again… Believe? Fantasy? Trailer Park Mystery?

Getting back to the point, candlelight dinners are bad news. They’re insulting, impractical, and even a safety hazard. They are literally dangerous. I mean, what if, say, because there’s no real light in the room, my partner accidentally knocks over a candle? Well golly, nothing says “I love you” like a trip to the ER with a face full of fire.

If my boyfriend burned his face off, there’d only be one way I could look at him… we’d be having candlelight dinners for eternity.