Close Encounters of the Scared Kind
In my experience, first dates are a recipe for awkwardness. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation flowing. Inevitably, I run out of things to say, leading to long, uncomfortable silences. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and, most importantly, doesn’t provide any background noise to mask my farts.
To avoid these awkward moments, I come armed with a list of questions. A first date with me becomes a full-fledged interrogation. My favorite question to ask is, “What are you afraid of?” It’s a fantastic icebreaker. You can learn a lot about a person from their fears.
Fears reveal vulnerabilities and pain. They make us relatable. In the past, my soon-to-be boyfriends have mentioned spiders, heights, and even death. One dude said he was afraid of the mystery meat in school cafeterias. That date would have gone much better if I hadn’t already ordered meatloaf.
All these fears make sense to me. They’re practical and life-saving. Being fearful of “tall buildings” and “rotten foods” can keep you safe. Sadly, my fear doesn’t follow the same logic. It’s bizarre and unlikely to ever protect me. It spooks me. It keeps me up at night. It makes me suck my thumb and hide under my blanky.
So now you’re probably wondering, “What on Earth scares him so much?” Well, stop thinking so narrow-mindedly. My fear isn’t on Earth. My fear is literally out of this world. I’m afraid of aliens.
To clarify, I’m talking about aliens from outer space, not the ones that come from, say, Cuba.
Aliens totally freak me out, especially the cliché, cartoony ones. I don’t care if they come in peace. They need to back off with their big black eyes, giant green heads, and awkwardly elongated arms.
When I look at pictures of them, I feel a strange discomfort. Maybe I was abducted in the past or something… Oh dear god, WHERE IS MY BLANKY?!
When an alien pops up in a movie, I don’t just pee a little. I pee so much I have nothing left inside of me and deflate like an inflatable mattress. When I was younger, the film E.T. the Extraterrestrial scared the living air out of me.
Seriously, that movie wrecked me. I was constantly on edge because one of the lamps in our living room cast a shadow that looked just like his glowing hand and turdish body. One night, I had a terrible nightmare and woke up screaming, “E.T. tried to finger me!”
Ridiculous dreams have always been a part of my childhood. I had recurring nightmares about those talking M&M mascots. Instead of me trying to eat them, they were always trying to eat me. In retrospect, for all the trauma they put me through, those talking M&Ms can bite me.
Being afraid of “the M&M people” kind of makes sense. I mean, M&Ms are a registered trademark of the Mars snack-food company. Yes, Mars like Martians. What if the connection isn’t a coincidence? What if our planet has already been invaded?
We must fight back with another bite-sized candy. I’d suggest Reese’s Pieces, but we all know E.T. loves them.
121 Comments
Nadine
this must be one pretty popular blog because
there are 30 comments right now! ;D
cool entry and, well, I guess you can't be the
only one who's afraid of aliens (:
Felisa
It's okay… they ARE pretty scare. They look like teletubbies and those… <i>things</i> are pretty scary.
You're not that weird though. I'm scared of cats. And I have a friend who's scared of mushrooms.
K0ph
i'm totally down to start a war against m&m people and aliens if you are. i want to jack they're laser guns and chocolaty goodness!
Aly
Aliens from Cuba are the BEST!
Regina
Hmmm, I like Reese's Pieces. The whole concept of aliens has never bugged me, but zombies on the other hand, is another issue entirely. *shudders*
Jay
I would love to meet an Aliens. Especially if some of them are like E.T. Yes, I'm speaking as if they exist. I believe they do. I bet one was in your backyard when you were younger and you didn't even know! Tough luck eh?
My fear.. do you remember those odd dolls they called Firbys? If you don't know just go here http://bloggingpr.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/furby.jpg
SCARYYYYY!
Addie
first off, i would like to say that i absolutly love this site name. second, i laughed for hours after i read your blog. fantastic. hahahahahaha.
Mimi
But just think about how cute they are with their big round eyes! Ok, not really, but the alien baby from Men In Black did kind of make me go "Awww!"
Ok, I'll stop talking now. *runs away*
Gel
I've never really given much thought to aliens :p I don't believe in their existence, really. What i'm most scared of are…COCKROACHES o_o
Sarah
Aw, your fear is so cute! I can't believe you were scared of ET though, he was awesome man! when I was little I thought he was my best friend.
when I was little I was afraid of clowns, their huge smiles freaked me out 😛
The M&M guys are so cute! Plus they are like, the size of the tip of your finger. How would a little M&M eat you? I guess it would be pretty scary if there were billions of them coming after you though… -shivers-
-Sarah
Minteh
T_T This used to not bother me. XXD
Happy belated 13th/pink halloween.
I find that those blinking dolls are scarier…
Gillian
heeeeey justin! how are youu ?!
happy valentines day ! 🙂
Oh damn yeah that school cafeteria meat deff sends chills down my spine.
Justin, your fear aint odd. Im terrified of aliens. I mean, who wouldnt be? For gawsh sakes, their eyeballs are big and they're goal in life is to eliminate all of us and take over our planet.
Nothing worse than that.
E.T was the one alien i actually liked, but now wheni think back i know that ET is a freeeken creeper.
LMFAO, that m&m dream killed me.
Skittles is always a good weapon.
Monica
BUt think about…if there are aliens…what are we to them?
I don't remember what happened in e.t the movie isn't scary though. That what I remmeber. When I was younger I feared aliens.
Sylvia
You go on ahead and be afraid of those aliens. Because you know what? If they do attack, you'll be the one like "I told y'all there was a reason to be afraid!" You'll have the last laugh and maybe they'll be nice enough to let you live and you can rule the world then!
Here's to hoping!
Farah
AHHH
THANK YOU
someone else who thinks e.t. is absolutely terrifying!
i mean look at his FACE, how do kids watch that movie without CRYING? i don't understand. really, i don't.
he GLOWS for crying out loud! he looks like a turd! he's just like… no! not suitable for kids! RATED R!
…yeah clearly, i'm a wuss. and i get freaked easily by horror movies. i mean, come on. e.t. is practically a horror movie. (almost.) surprisingly though, while i was scared out of my wits at e.t., during cloverfield i didn't bat an eyelash.
i've always loved that expression. batting an eyelash. hahaa.
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