Close Encounters of the Scared Kind
In my experience, first dates are a recipe for awkwardness. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation flowing. Inevitably, I run out of things to say, leading to long, uncomfortable silences. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and, most importantly, doesn’t provide any background noise to mask my farts.
To avoid these awkward moments, I come armed with a list of questions. A first date with me becomes a full-fledged interrogation. My favorite question to ask is, “What are you afraid of?” It’s a fantastic icebreaker. You can learn a lot about a person from their fears.
Fears reveal vulnerabilities and pain. They make us relatable. In the past, my soon-to-be boyfriends have mentioned spiders, heights, and even death. One dude said he was afraid of the mystery meat in school cafeterias. That date would have gone much better if I hadn’t already ordered meatloaf.
All these fears make sense to me. They’re practical and life-saving. Being fearful of “tall buildings” and “rotten foods” can keep you safe. Sadly, my fear doesn’t follow the same logic. It’s bizarre and unlikely to ever protect me. It spooks me. It keeps me up at night. It makes me suck my thumb and hide under my blanky.
So now you’re probably wondering, “What on Earth scares him so much?” Well, stop thinking so narrow-mindedly. My fear isn’t on Earth. My fear is literally out of this world. I’m afraid of aliens.
To clarify, I’m talking about aliens from outer space, not the ones that come from, say, Cuba.
Aliens totally freak me out, especially the cliché, cartoony ones. I don’t care if they come in peace. They need to back off with their big black eyes, giant green heads, and awkwardly elongated arms.
When I look at pictures of them, I feel a strange discomfort. Maybe I was abducted in the past or something… Oh dear god, WHERE IS MY BLANKY?!
When an alien pops up in a movie, I don’t just pee a little. I pee so much I have nothing left inside of me and deflate like an inflatable mattress. When I was younger, the film E.T. the Extraterrestrial scared the living air out of me.
Seriously, that movie wrecked me. I was constantly on edge because one of the lamps in our living room cast a shadow that looked just like his glowing hand and turdish body. One night, I had a terrible nightmare and woke up screaming, “E.T. tried to finger me!”
Ridiculous dreams have always been a part of my childhood. I had recurring nightmares about those talking M&M mascots. Instead of me trying to eat them, they were always trying to eat me. In retrospect, for all the trauma they put me through, those talking M&Ms can bite me.
Being afraid of “the M&M people” kind of makes sense. I mean, M&Ms are a registered trademark of the Mars snack-food company. Yes, Mars like Martians. What if the connection isn’t a coincidence? What if our planet has already been invaded?
We must fight back with another bite-sized candy. I’d suggest Reese’s Pieces, but we all know E.T. loves them.
121 Comments
Manda
Haha. What a funny imagination you have. I would hate to dream anything like that.
Waldi
Yea. Yay. I didn't get off. WOO. My school is a douche bag. (:
Justin R
Hahaha.. I love you.
I'm scared of heights.. and love-bugs.. you know.. those two little red and black bugs that are all stuck together. -shiver-
What about the Mars Insurance Group? Are you scared of them?
Evtiff
you can be my belated valentine. haha theres always some saved for justin. lol and mystery meat is gross.. and aliens are kinda scary. i was seeing hes just not that into you and a preview was of the mobvie, i dont remember the name, but its with the Rock and annasopia robb and its made by disney and its about these kids that are aliens and need to get out.. haha it reminded me of that..
"Aliens don’t just make me pee a little… they make me pee until I have nothing left inside of me (causing me to deflate like a portable mattress)."
–>That quote is freaking awesome=]
Niki
haha, at least it's not as bad as what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of butterflies.
YES THATS RIGHT!!
I'm also afraid of grasshoppers, beetles, and any other bug thats bigger than a ladybug.
I'M SUCH A FREAKK!! XD
P.S. I love your site, it's freakin hilarious.
Jill
Lol, thanks. Aliens are a creepy thought, not gonna lie.
Tiff
p.s. ET was scary to me.
Tiff
HAHAHA you're such a funny character, "jizzle". i read parts of your about me. but anyway, i have a fear of aliens myself. although we probably don't know what they look like, i'm assuming they definitely won't look like us. each planet has different evolution patterns. but i also fear that if they can reach our planet before we reach theirs, we're so effed. they'd make us our slaves or something!! not enough nukes in the world to kill them!! ahhhh.
anyway, i'm glad you found my post entertaining..? go click on the linksss. i know you live in the US so they should all work.
Kyra D.
When I was younger, my family LOVED E.T, but I would get so scared, I would hide behind the couch for hours on end x_x I haven't seen that movie since I was 5 XD
'Die from a broken heart'…your heart doesn't even 'break' if that special someone leaves you =P it's all in your mind.
Psh, I''m not a pessimist >.> (well, I am a little bit, but not much)
Dylan
thanks. It's just taking awhile because I screwed up my css. Oh well. So, what's up?
Ariel
Lol Justin!! I'll beat up the aliens for you. But in return you'll have to kill spiders for me…I amdeathly afraid of spiders.
Gillian
Ofcourse i have to give huuuge credit to the gays. 🙂
Lmao yeah im a bit concerned for myself as well .
Stephine
Haha, I know. I found it on a tattoo site that I get on and it was in England so I didn't figure many people would know about it until I blogged, but I guess I under-estimate the interwebz.
I probably do over-analyze. I guess if I look at myself from the side in a mirror, I realize I'm not fat. But I guess I'll just never get over it. Society does it to everyone and I just want one of those model bodys.
Mimi
I'm glad to know I am not the only one who had strange dreams about food eating me. I once dreamt of a giant banana chasing me in a chocolate cave, trying to eat me lol.
I want to meet someone or something from another planet. It seems very cool haha.
I was scared of E.T., too. We went to Universal Studios when i was younger and they had this E.T. ride. I couldn't go because I was terrified. I cried and probably peed a little in my pants, too.
Amy
I don't think that's such an odd fear. I'm scared of ghosts… lol
Leave Comment