Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building
Elvis Presley: the man, the myth, the legend. He rocked the 20th century with his powerhouse voice and magnetic stage presence, catapulting from humble beginnings to become the face of a rock and roll revolution. But amidst his meteoric rise to fame, there’s one thing that keeps tongues wagging even today: his mysterious death. Some folks swear he’s still out there, wandering the highways and byways of life, making cameo appearances in the most unexpected places. Well if true, this certainly puts those bath salt zombie sightings to shame.
Yeah, people claim they’ve spotted him in grocery stores, gas stations, and even a Wendy’s parking lot…
Enter the realm of conspiracy theories, where my mom reigns as queen. No, she hasn’t had a personal run-in with the King (though, who knows, maybe a few more Frostys could change that). But she’s convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Elvis lives on. In fact, she even “knows” his new identity: a Bible thumper from Oklahoma named Jon Cotner.
And she’s not alone in her convictions. The internet buzzes with speculation, fueled by eerie coincidences that blur the line between fact and fantasy. Jon Cotner and Elvis share the same birthday, same singing voice, same facial structure, and Cotner was even sighted chillin’ with Lisa Marie Presley.
But alas, scientific evidence remains as elusive as ever. No smoking gun, no definitive proof. If Elvis did indeed pull off the ultimate disappearing act, who’s to say he didn’t morph into someone else entirely? I mean, with his wavy hair, designer shades, and white sequined jumpsuits, all signs point to Lady Gaga.
Besides, sporting a tummy and a thick white beard, Jon Cotner looks more like Santa Claus than Elvis. Therefore, if we’re going to assume Jon Cotner is Elvis, by the transitive property, we must also conclude that Elvis became Santa. It makes just as much sense.
Perhaps Elvis was assigned to be Santa (kind of like jury duty), so he gained a bunch of weight and faked his death. Maybe he decided it was time to spread cheer instead of rock and roll. It would explain his Christmas albums… and hey, those Elvis impersonators in Vegas? They’re just his merry band of elves.
Hell, why stop at Santa? According to my top-secret, ultra-blurry photo collection, Elvis isn’t just Santa. Oh no, he’s also the Loch Ness Monster, too. Yeah he only sang about hound dogs because “You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Sea Creature” just wasn’t as catchy.
He’s also the mastermind behind Stonehenge. Don’t you see? It’s the infamous “Jailhouse Rock.” After all, he is the King of Rock and roll…
Heck, he’s even Bigfoot. Did you know his blue suede shoes are a size 30?
How far are we willing to go with these goofy conspiracy theories? I could keep spinning wild tale after tale, but honestly, my brain’s doing somersaults just trying to keep up. I’m confused. I’m bewildered. I’m all shook up.
43 Comments
Olivia
There used to be a log ride at a fair I used to go to! But they got rid of it for some reason 🙁 Sucks, lol.
Thank you very much! 🙂 I love Katy Perry so much, haha.
I went on vacation to Mackinaw. We stayed in Mackinaw City but we went to Mackinaw Island. The boat dock is in Mackinaw City. It's in Michigan, where I live, lol. So you might not know of it. I don't really know a whole lot of people that aren't from Michigan and know about those places xD But it's AMAZING, lol.
Meaghan
Lol I don't know what it does either. I'm gonna google it & tell you.
Nothing exciting's going on right now…
But I am going to Reno in August! And I have an overnight orientation afterwards. I'm going to be rooming with strangers! 🙁 And the dorms at my school suck.
Meaghan
Uhm… is putting aftershave on after shaving a men's beauty tip? If so, one point for me!
Of course that's what he would say! Psh. But I'm still sticking with my twin theory. 🙂
Uhm uhm uhm I can't think of anything exciting! 🙁 You tell me something!
Meaghan
I don't know any for men. :S Michelle Phan made a tutorial for guys! I didn't watch it though…
WHAT. How can you say that. Men that have smooth skin are yummy.
Well… imagine a baby's bottom that's not covered in poop & rashes. It's silky smoooooth. 😉
I've heard of these supposed "Elvis sightings." I don't believe in them. And I've never heard about that Jon guy… strange. He does resemble Elvis! Hit him up on Facebook & ask!
They do sound alike… that is creepy. Maybe they're twins!? And Elvis hid that from society until he died…
Blanca
My goodness this blog had me laughing out loud! You're so hilarious; I love it!
I've never heard about this Jon guy. As much as I don't believe in conspiracies, I love reading about them. My favorite has got to be the Illuminati. hahahaha
Did you know that a lot of people (espeically black people) dislike Elvis? I took a History of Rock class last semester and this guy gave a presentation about why Elvis is disliked. Apparently, Elvis used to go to black singer shows (back in the day during segregation) and imitate the dance moves and dance styles of a black artist. (I can't remember his name) Since white audiences didn't bother listening to black music, Elvis got all the credit. It's actually very eye opening. Nevertheless, I'm an Elvis fan.
Hey, maybe Elvis hasn't left the building yet. Maybe he just left his career to peruse a quiet life. haha
Thanks for the fun read!
Mom
The autopsy could have been a cover-up. Just sayin'. You can get any doctor to say anything for the right price…..plus, Elvis testified at that time against some organized crime figure & rather put him in witness relocation, the FBI could have faked his death. The FBI made Sammy "The Bull" Gravano disappear after he testified against John Gotti & then years later, he was found in Arizona & then wrote a book because he didn't want to stay "hidden or dead" any longer. Weirder things have happened!!
Stephanie
Lol! Cotner is quite similar. And is probably about the same age too.
(But Elvis had an autopsy. Surely, they would have noticed if the body was fake, right? And if Elvis hadn't died, then he probably killed a man. I'd rather not think that.)
Kitty
Gackkk! The King haz returned? I shall kiss his hairy, bigfeet… Mmmm.. Just imagine Elvis in Santa outfit climbing up and down the chimneys…
Rissa Saeger
OMG, sorry I am getting back to you so late. But thank you so much, and your layout is flawless!!!
Liza
Haha, so your mom reads your blog, too. Interesting. 😛 Only my mom reads mine for different purposes, I'm sure. :p
Either way, nice post. Didn't know there were/are Elvis zealots out there who believe he is still alive. As for your mom… perhaps she just has a huge crush on him still? 🙂
Jenny
LOL, Lady Gaga. On the other hand, that Jon Cotner guy seriously does resemble Elvis, I can see why people still think he's alive.
Rachel H
LMAO at moms comment. Just Copy and Paste it in your blog to show how NUTS she is lol
Rachel H
Santa Elvis!!! lol Jon Cotner is really Santa Elvis in disguise!! The christmas album is my evidence!
Also, the lochness monster picture cracked me up Justin…that was funny. I love that mom read your article and just lost her shit laughing…she knows she is nuts lol. Well you are always hilarious Justin!!! Love you
Mom
By the way, I love this blog. The King lives!!
Mom
Justin, Elvis is Jon Cotner!! Don't forget the photographs of him at Graceland in 1978; Bill Bixby's revelation of Elvis faking his death; the name spelled wrong on the tomb; Elvis's best friend saying that, "we did this for Elvis"; Jon Cotner admitting that he was Elvis & he did what he did to protect his family; Elvis telling Wayne Newton that he couldn't go on as Elvis any longer, right before his death; first his friend found him on the bed, then the bathroom, then Lisa Maria found him….the story kept changing; and most of all…..Why in the heck is Lisa Marie Presley hanging out with Jon Cotner?????
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