I Pronounce You Hand and Wife
I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start?
Picture it: Years from now, they’ll be knee-deep in a heated argument about who forgot to pick up the diapers, and suddenly, they’ll both turn to each other and say, “Remember that awful vocalist who started it all?”
The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember that chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”
And then the groom will retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”
And then she’ll add, “Our wedding was more of a disaster than his hairdo.” And so the saga will continue, the diaper will remain unchanged, and I will become public enemy number one for a baby who grows up seeking vengeance.
But hey, maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do. In fact, while belting out tunes at the wedding, I started over-thinking many things. For example, why is it that when a guy pops the question, he asks for a hand in marriage?
I mean… hands? Seriously? Why hands? Hands are gross. According to every soap commercial ever, hands are constantly dirty and covered in who-knows-what. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?
There are certainly more interesting body parts to choose from. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.
You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.
How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or spleen? “Excuse me, sir, but I’m head over heels for your daughter, and I’d like to snag her ass in matrimony.”
Okay, that got weird real quick. Suddenly, asking for her hand doesn’t sound so bad.
But in all honesty, why limit it to just one body part? Call me old-fashioned, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall for the entire package.
106 Comments
Stepherz
If someone asked for my ass in marriage, it would be a definite yes. 'Til enema do us part.'
Eka
"…her ass in marriage"
ROFLMAO.
Oh, you'll get your fame… one wedding at a time. I'm sure you did just fine. =)
I like the 'bumface'. Whoever pulled that card totally lost that argument.
I'd assume they ask for their hand because of the ring… Personally, I'm kind of anti-marriage. A couple should be together because they want to; rather than feeling obligated to stay together because of a stupid ring.
…Ugh, if my grandmother was dead, she'd be rolling over in her grave hearing/reading that. =|
Chynna
I actually laugh out loud everytime I read your blogs! Way to cheer up my day, thanks 🙂
I'm sure you did fine at the wedding. And if the married couple ever do get a divorce, it's they're own fault for not keeping the love alive. Haa.
I'd like to hear you sing :3 Bet you're good, ha.
x
Becca
Hands or not, I'm very <b>deeply</b> opposed to the idea of asking anybody other than myself for my own marriage. My partner and I will get married some day, but if I hear that he asked for my hand from my father (or even both of my parents) I will be very upset. No one is allowed to give me away! I am my own woman and I sure as hell won't follow some archaic tradition. I'm sure most gentlemen do it as a gesture, but I've already discussed it with Max that I will have NONE of it. 😛 I'm also against my father walking me down the aisle and giving me away at my own wedding. I'll walk myself down the aisle, thank you very much. 🙂
Maybe I'm too modern, but forgive me. Marriage shouldn't be some archaic tradition that we do to keep up with society. I think it should be a binding contract between PEOPLE (not just man/woman) that love each other.
Not that divorce is disgusting. But if a faction in this country is fighting against homosexual marriage, shouldn't they also fight against divorce? I'm just sayin'. Stupid hypocrites.
As for Max and I – we will not be getting married until everyone has the right to. And we mean everyone. 🙂
Sorry, didn't mean to post an entry on your blog – but it's something I get worked up about. Women are still treated as property to some people. Of course, the women who are are to scared/stupid to fight it. ^_^
Laura
Justin :D! How are you? Wow you sang at a wedding and got money. You are awesome! Send me some money if you feel that you have too much, what with you being famous and stuff :D. Ha you make a fair point but you were good I'm sure so you don't have to worry :).
Another fair point you make! Darn Justin your blogs always make me think :P. I don't want to think until September when I actually have to! I'm a girl though so I'll never have to worry about asking for someone's hand (or shoulder) in marriage. Unless of course I decide to be untraditional and purpose to the guy :D.
Well I do agree I've never dated a guy simply because I liked his hands (although I'm sure nice hands are an added bonus :))
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Marriage is primarily an economic arrangement. There are to-day large numbers of men and women to whom marriage is naught but a farce, but who submit to it for the sake of public opinion.
Jhase
Wow, you know, you have such a twisted mine. Ruined marriage because of Wedding Singer, that would be hilarious. I'd watch that as a tv comedy. I'm sure you did a great job saying the words though.
You know the whole hand thing, I figured it was because thats where they'll be flashing that expensive effing ring. For those can afford it of course, but still other than that I don't get it. But I guess it beats asking your lovers father can you have their child's "sacred" parts in marriage.
Because yeah, that'd be weird.
Monnii Bee
Hands are icky >.< you use them to wipe your bum and pick your nose and you put them in your mouth- gross
but yah, i think they ask for a hand in marragie because in the olden days the ring was like a leash 0.0 or so my feminist teacher told me.
Falling in love with all of a person is a good thing =]
Really, it is!
Cecilie
Haha, that was a funny post:P
Yeah, it sounds very weird to ask someone for their hand in marriage:P
Katie
Well, you must be good if you got the job to play at a wedding!!
I think it's based on the fact that the love/marriage is binded within the rings that are on her hand? Or something around that anyway. Good question to think about!
Kyra
Oh, yes, now you're going to get me all worried who sings at my wedding (er, when I get married, that is. If I manage to snag a wealthy idio–…er, if I find "the one") I'll be wondering if by picking someone with the wrong voice, I could be ruining my marriage!
Thanks a lot, Justin.
"I would like your body in marriage" – that just sounds shallow 0_o why not "I'd love to have your entire being and mind in marriage!" I think it'd be cool to be proposed to like that ^3^
Well. That was entertaining blog. And from now on, I'm going to be very conscious of how people propose D: I'll let you know if I hear of any interesting lines!
Jetice
Wow that was quite hilarious! Ruining a marriage due to horrible vocals on the wedding singer. heh heh.
I use to believe that they ask for the hands in marriage because thats the part of the body that will be doing most of the work at home. Yanno cleaning, cooking, diaper-changing, grabbing grocery bags, the list goes on and on. Lol. I would understand if they asked for the shoulder. Because then it would mean that they need someone to lean on.
Julianne
Lol I just thought it was so they could put a ring on the finger of your hand… I think?
That's pretty cool that you sang, you're gonna make it big kid 😉
I'm glad no one has ever asked for my ass in marriage though. But it does sound really old school to ask for someone's hand in marriage. I think we just say 'Marry Me' now.
Lee
Wow, you sung in a wedding! You were probably good, and homos are cool!!
Your hair is nice. XD
He wants her ass in marriage, nice…
Hands can be useful in honeymoons too, I have heard. 😛
If I had to pick one body part, it'd be the brain; and not because I'm a zombie. I am not a zombie. ;D
I've never fell in love, but I'd fall in love with all of them too.
You're not creepy!
Sean
And all this time….I believed that you loved me for my hands alone. This revelation is comforting. To hear that you love every part of me? Wow….just…..just wow.
😛
But yeah…it is weird. Back in the day they actually use to tie your hands together using rope and a marriage knot….that's where the phrase tying the knot comes from. If it were, "Ask for your leg in marriage," they would tie the legs together…and that is basically a three legged race. Why not just have a ceremonial potato sack race while your at it?…and a picnic. (Potato salad….yum!)
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