I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start?

Picture it: Years from now, they’ll be knee-deep in a heated argument about who forgot to pick up the diapers, and suddenly, they’ll both turn to each other and say, “Remember that awful vocalist who started it all?”

The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember that chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”

And then the groom will retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”

And then she’ll add, “Our wedding was more of a disaster than his hairdo.” And so the saga will continue, the diaper will remain unchanged, and I will become public enemy number one for a baby who grows up seeking vengeance.

But hey, maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do. In fact, while belting out tunes at the wedding, I started over-thinking many things. For example, why is it that when a guy pops the question, he asks for a hand in marriage?

I mean… hands? Seriously? Why hands? Hands are gross. According to every soap commercial ever, hands are constantly dirty and covered in who-knows-what. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?

There are certainly more interesting body parts to choose from. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.

You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ. 

How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or spleen? “Excuse me, sir, but I’m head over heels for your daughter, and I’d like to snag her ass in matrimony.”

Okay, that got weird real quick. Suddenly, asking for her hand doesn’t sound so bad.

But in all honesty, why limit it to just one body part? Call me old-fashioned, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall for the entire package.