I Pronounce You Hand and Wife
I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start?
Picture it: Years from now, they’ll be knee-deep in a heated argument about who forgot to pick up the diapers, and suddenly, they’ll both turn to each other and say, “Remember that awful vocalist who started it all?”
The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember that chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”
And then the groom will retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”
And then she’ll add, “Our wedding was more of a disaster than his hairdo.” And so the saga will continue, the diaper will remain unchanged, and I will become public enemy number one for a baby who grows up seeking vengeance.
But hey, maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do. In fact, while belting out tunes at the wedding, I started over-thinking many things. For example, why is it that when a guy pops the question, he asks for a hand in marriage?
I mean… hands? Seriously? Why hands? Hands are gross. According to every soap commercial ever, hands are constantly dirty and covered in who-knows-what. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?
There are certainly more interesting body parts to choose from. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.
You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.
How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or spleen? “Excuse me, sir, but I’m head over heels for your daughter, and I’d like to snag her ass in matrimony.”
Okay, that got weird real quick. Suddenly, asking for her hand doesn’t sound so bad.
But in all honesty, why limit it to just one body part? Call me old-fashioned, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall for the entire package.
106 Comments
Caity
Yes, I do. I even sung at my own wedding. I lost count of how many weddings I've sung at.
Here is a clip from the Ave Maria at my wedding. The sound quality is awful and I personally hate it but people tell me it's okay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KJIfCFC4Tc
Lee
Agreed!
I'm a panda.
Milu
hahaha…funny post^^
i think because the ring , but why no neck and getting necklace ?
aww…is homework for everybody 😛
Lee
Actually, yeah!
I'm too random~ D:
But it's a good example, I love the Simpsons. >o<
Caity
Haha you are too funny. I loved singing at my first wedding. I do enjoy cantoring weddings. Singing the Ave Maria is my favorite thing ever. I get paid $150 per wedding now. It is awesome.
My mind tends to drift at weddings too especially since I've done so many. I think you have me beat on randomness, though! 😛
Masoud
justin, justin, justin!!
Your blogs are fun to read, as always. I really laughed when reading the part where this married couple argues.
YOU ARE CREEPY,. but in a good way 😛
May I marry your eye-lashes? 😛
Pam
You sang at a wedding? o.O You're brave, haha. You should have posted a video so we could all watch. xD
I don't geth that either. Why hand? Maybe because they put the ring on their hand as a sign of commitment? Or maybe it's because the guy who started it really liked hands. I guess we'll never know.
Ass sounds so much better, it has a kind of kick to it.
Trish
"Sir, I've fallen deeply in love with your daughter, and I'm asking for her ass in marriage."
LOL, I don't think my dad would be too excited about that…that'd cause him to bring out the rifle.
Kathy
Awe, I am sure you did fine! Your blog made me laugh. 🙂 Thanks!
Justin Robbins
Justin… can I have your liver in marriage?
Shola
LOL, true dat.
Being a English language geek I can provide a logical answer for their hand in marriage.
Basically, men never asked the wives for their hands in marriage, they asked their father's for their daughters hand in marriage. Cause Daughters belonged to the father and was guided (symobolism of hand) by their father's through life. When a man ask for the hand, he asked for permission of ownership, hence why fathers GAVE their daughters away. It's really quite chauvinistic tbh.
I loved this entry though. 😀
I want your arse in marriage, and maybe some boobs too. xD
And I am surre you'll be remembered as that dude with the crazy white kid afro hair who did an amazing job at the wedding. 🙂
Regina
Lol, nice. Maybe it's for the ring? I have no idea, but it's funny to me that the man only asks for the hand, 'cause yeah, the hand's clearly the reason he wants to marry her.
Diamond
Lmfao you sang at a wedding haha. Woo! xD You should start your own service haha.
Lmfao. I guess that is why they say you NEED to keep on washing your hands and stuff. :3 You put your soon to be bride/groom's ring in her/his finger so you gotta take the hand lol. A hand is vital too, so yeah… 😛
So how are you? 🙂 I followed you on twitter earlier today! I didn't know you tweet lol. Follow me! @diamondmystical! :]
Alice
You're REALLY funny lol
I totally lmao at the "ass in marriage" part. Still giggling a little lol
I don't either understand the thing with the hand. But I don't believe in marrage generally, so…
I live your site! Nice layout!
Jackie
You're hilarious! These random tangents you go on make me laugh so loud sometimes that people around me think I am crazy ^_^
You totally have a point though. I mean there ARE other parts.. why a hand? I think this is a question for a senior philosophy class! Hahah imagine their analysis.
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