Silent Night? Uhh… Not Quite
Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate and several of his friends hovering over my bed, grinning like they’d just pulled off the ultimate prank. Naturally, I thought they’d sharpied a dingdong on my face. But no, they were just laughing at the strange noises I was making.
Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, why the hell do I get pleasure from dreams about losing my teeth?). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing, and a quick Google search shows I’m not alone.
Sometimes, as I’m drifting off, I hear myself doing it. It’s definitely not flattering. It sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie were a camel or walrus. Yeah, picture an undead cow mooing to the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.”
The moans also echo like the tripod foghorn sounds in the War of the Worlds remake. Imagine a raspy elderly man blowing on his hot soup: muEhhhh. That’s me.
Waking up to an audience isn’t the only downside of my sleepmoaning. I can’t nap in class without everyone knowing about it. Professors always know I’m not paying attention once they hear Christina Aguilera belting in the back of the classroom.
Once, I accidentally locked my door before bed. When the moaning started, my mom thought I’d snuck a lover through the window.
Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep, like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an “I Peed a Little” joke here]? Whenever I mention my sleepmoaning, my friends assume I have an illness, a mental condition, or even syphilis.
I wonder what other bizarre and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait ’til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.
Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.
Or, I could become a singer like Justin Bieber. He moans a lot in his music.
The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter, but she’s creepy as hell – a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I’m sure I can find a better role model.
83 Comments
Lean
Haha, my mom would have gone nuts and try to open the door if she thought that.
I snore too, I guess when I sleep. Well actually I don't really know, I asked my sisters honestly if I do snore when I sleep, and they told me I did then they walked away laughing so I'm not really sure. I had to ask them because I was going to this trip, and it was to this place where you sleepover, and there were other classmates in the room so if I snored that would be embarrassing. Well I ended up lying, because I wasn't for sure if I snored, and I said I had a cold, which makes you snore because you can't breath out from your nose? Yeah, something like that, but they bought it. 😀
Victoria
Josie's has four different size cups you can choose from.
Sorry about that! 😛
I really like the watermelon, and I also like the apricot mango, honeydew, red ripe strawberry, and raspberry. Plus more, of course. 😉
Holly
Oh my GOSH. That sounds so embarrassing D: But yet, it sounds a little entertaining. I adore the Justin Bieber reference ;D We All know it's true. And thank you for your comment on my blog! I really like yours as well 🙂
Tony McGurk
A zombie camel??? Bizarre. I snore badly sometimes but my wife never likened it to a zombie camel. I could maybe use zombie camels in my latest Space Adventure comic.
Dr. Cynicism
I'm a Fail Breather too. I like the sound of that by the way. You should make t-shirts! Sleep Moaner, Fail Breather. Great blog!
Scholar Mel
I have been a sleep moaner also but mine have been due to nightmares.
In my dream I am yelling like crazy and at the top of my lungs. In reality I am making this weak little moan for help. My wife hears it and wakes me up.
Alison
WOW THAT'S AWKWARD! Bridesmaids was quite possibly my favorite chick flick of all time! And yea, Megan was definitely my favorite.
Sorry to hear about the breathing problem! I hope that when I go live in my college dorm I don't do that. XD
Moni
HEY justin! Glad you dropped by hehe, I try to come up with good posts, its hard to do but I feel if I speak my mind too much I might get killed LOL But Nonetheless, love your site and I do come by and read your posts! I cant believe I forgot to add you under my dailies, will do that now! your stuff is always a pleasure to read..and i always end up with a real life LOL =D
Liz
Hm. That did slightly cheer me up! ^^ :3
Mel
haha! yup! that was me!
and i can't believe you haven't heard that song it's a CLASSIC!
nothing much here! bout to go to my nieces band concert, fun fun! lol. what's up with you!?
youtube.com/watch?v=lu3VTngm1F0
Mel
nope, no job news yet! but i gotta have faith! lmao. now that george michael song will be stuck in my head all day.
awh, thank you! that means a lot, i have had pastel smash for three & a half years now, how long have you had yours, because i do believe i used to visit yours last year as well! 🙂
Kate
XD you're hilarious! I don't think I've ever heard of someone moaning in their sleep…before you, of course. I occasionally talk while I sleep, but it's pretty infrequent.
About the story…I've written a few intros to it, but I can't decide on which one I want to use..I need to do a little more exploring with the plot and characters before I begin writing the entire thing. I would hate to rewrite it.
Angie
I still don't know what I do when I am sleeping but people say I sometimes snore which I think is normal especially if you are tired dead and fell asleep.
Anyway, you can go and try recording yourself and maybe you'll find something useful on your moans.
Shellz
ooh, film yourself sleeping and post it. haha.
People have told me I snore and talk in my sleep. I've never known myself to snore though. >_> lol.
Moni
I have a few enemies out there LOL (its mostly cousins *ducks*) lol but yes I would love to share my stories, I might just actually even do it! Regardless that my cousins can see my blog! I try not to ad. Advertise it on facebook ! Oh yes, my sleep problem is: I cant sleep: im an insomniac lol dont know if thats better or worse than yours. I've added you on twitter btw 😀
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