The Olympics Needs More Boobs
With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics have me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, recreating gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and pondering the possibility that those shiny medals might be chocolate. Talk about a thrill ride! Whoever dreamed up the Olympics deserves a tasty gold medal.
The Olympic games are a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive. And honestly? I’m loving every minute of it. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a wishlist for Olympic activities that would make my day…
1. Untangling Headphones
Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a battle of wits and patience. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go stream Taken). Seriously though, untangling those bad boys is an art form, a skill honed through trial and error, and maybe a touch of madness. If you can navigate the labyrinth of wires without losing your cool, you truly deserve a medal. I certainly can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.
But to be honest, there’s something fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a mischievous goblin tying knots in my pocket. In that case, here’s my proposal: let’s turn “untangling” into an Olympic event, and we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from around the world kick some tiny goblin ass.
2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk
I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Whenever I indulge in a bit too much, doorknobs quit working. I can twist and turn them all I want, but I’d have better luck solving a Rubix cube. Doors are up there with calculus, physics, and trying to decipher what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it’d be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.
Forget your standard Olympic fare; the drunk-door-a-thon would bring a whole new level of unpredictability. Take Michael Phelps, for instance – would he be a jovial drunk, professing his love to the door? Or perhaps a belligerent drunk, accusing the door of not being his real father? Heck, maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout towards the door, “Alohomora!”
3. Crushing Things with your Boobs
The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone proud… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you raise an eyebrow, let me clarify: I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. They’re like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m at, they’re always staring back at me. But hear me out – more boobs in the Olympics could be a game-changer for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.
In case you’re too frightened to watch, let me summarize it: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. It’s bizarre, it’s mesmerizing, and it’s oddly impressive. I mean, it takes serious pressure to squish a beer can. With a bit of training, athletes could use their knockers for good – flattening bricks, crushing cars, you name it. Finally, there’d be a pro to having man-boobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.
58 Comments
Elaine
heeyy! how are you? everything ok? 🙂
Olivia
I haven't started school yet, haha. I start in the middle/end of September. I am definitely not excited to go back, haha. I've been sooooo busy lately. Then when I am finally going to get a break school will be starting again 🙁 haha. I also can socialize with other people. I choose not to though. Sometimes we actually do gotta xD But I am not a very social person.. haha.
Christa
The Olympics to be is…just a reason to find something to do other then watch TV. The only events I watch are the gymnastics – when I was younger I was a gymnast so I still enjoy watching and sometimes doing the random flip in the living room near our glass coffee table.
Drunk door opening isn't hard for me. Now unlocking a door – that leads to a group of five adults standing on the steps of a house yelling at each other and waking up everyone in the area while we try to figure out which key belongs to the front door. Once that is figured out trying to get the key in the hole is a group effort. The easiest part is opening the door…about two hours later.
And crushing things with boobs is not an equal opportunity sport considering there are some of us who lack in that area.
Risha
The Olympics needs a Abs-Off. All the teams get to compete to see who has the nicest set of abs.
I call bets on the Aussie gymnastics (men's) team, and the US swim (men's) team. PHWOAR.
What? The Olympics isn't just about me yelling at the tennis on telly, and weeping at every other sport. There's got to be some downtime to drool over the fine specimens trotted out…
Chynna
I would win fucking gold in boob smashing. Mine are massive and I will train them into submission if this sport ever came about. My mother would be so proud.
—
Going out to the cluuuuuuub. 😀 Merrhhhh, I'm sure 21 will just be the same as when I turned 18, lol.
Holly
The Olympics has made me all patriotic and proud to be British for possibly the first time in my life.
They added golf? How did I not know this?! I gave up playing golf 2 years ago after thinking it would get me know where. I could have been an Olympian!
Oh wow, the video of the woman crushing cans is amazing! That must seriously hurt though. But I agree, men would like more boobs in sport haha!!
Lissa
To be honest… I’m not interested in the olympics at all but I really enjoyed reading your post about it. xD It does makes me wonder what kind of things are possible nowadays. xD
Cat
Those would be pretty entertaining to watch if they were in the Olympics! Untangling headphones really is a challenge, especially if you start making it worse. Really though, how do they even get that way?!
#2 reminds me of drunk games like chugging a beer, spinning around, then trying to get a basketball in the hoop. Imagine all of the possibilities, haha.
And omg, I watched the video and that's kind of scary. I didn't know you could crush things with boobs. I wouldn't have even thought of doing that!
Dorine
I seriously should create some sort of code that whenever I visit your website for a comment, it'll automatically insert a "You're awfully hilarious" comment at the top.
YOU ARE! This post made me laugh – in my mind, but still laugh nonetheless. 😛
I think my favourite would be the untangling one, but the old men (in my country, anyway)'s favourite would be the last one. 😉
But hey, they could cheat in the headphones one! What if they aren't properly tangled? Hmm…
Elaine
My bad. I'm sorry. I just got really hooked on your post since it does gave me a good laugh reading it and wasn't able to check your about me before hand. But I did just now. lol
and this statement of yours "I'm openly gay (sorry ladies…. the good ones are always taken… by men)." is deffo true. LOOL!
Oh you were out with a friend. so how was it? must did a lot of catching up.
My day was fine. Didn't do much since I'm sick and still sick (day 3). Couldn't go out since it's raining hard outside and don't feel like being on the computer for long coz it's causing too much headaches. But I get to check it on my fone just couldn't respond. Weekend is coming. whats your plan this coming weekend? 😀
Jamie
Okay, there was a slight delay in the move. I did something, but it's getting fixed now. I'm just waiting on my check in the mail. Hopefully they will have it out by Saturday.
Anyway, the guy with the red flags, he explained a lot to me. So, no more worry there. We're still going strong, and has been six days since we've gotten together. I know we're going to last a LONG time. He feels it too. He let his other friend go though. It was just because she went back to her "ex" husband, and they were friends, so when she went back to her ex-husband, that means no more friendship. They did try the dating thing, but didn't work. He told her he's with me now, and doesn't want to ruin it. Last night, my dad stopped by to give me food, and what not, and my boyfriend wanted to meet my dad (I mean really wanted to meet my dad), but my dad was sweating I guess from working all day, and in the heat, and was tired. He understood, but there's always a next time. So the red flags like I said are gone. Thank you for your offer though lol. I know we live a little bit aways. lol.
Hmmmm, I've never seen any of the olympics, but I heard that they have some WEIRD and crazy stuff like the one you just mentioned a woman crushing a beer can!!!!
Elaine
Hahaha! calling meaghan!! :)) LMAO!
i was gonna say try the cucumber thing if you wont think it's too gay to do. lol more feminine? tell me about it!
yeah, what a coincidence. who knows, I may be working with fbi after college (yeah right! haha). So how was lunch? Sorry late reply. I've been trying to get some sleep since I don't feel well but I couldn't sleep.
Alice
Justin, you are wonderful and every time I read your blog posts I JUST FIND MYSELF SMILING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING. Anyways, though. Yes! With you on the tangled earphones thing–never been drunk so don't know your frustration, although yeah it'd definitely be entertaining to see what types of drunks certain athletes are (especially Michael Phelps! Oh my god your examples XD)
Crushing things with boobs (I wrote boob crusher originally and then had a horrible image of a guy crushing another woman's boobs xD)… I'd probably be awkwardly aware of my own boobs if I watch that xD
Nancy
I love how the Olympics is getting all of the attention this summer. Just yelling at the screen, cheering people on… It sounds familiar- in the cases where the superbowl and the basketball finals take place. But that's a whole different story, right? 😉
I always thought untangling headphones is pretty easy. One of the biggest reasons to that is.. I'm pretty patient, so I tak my time to untanble my headphones. Since I'm using those default Apple headphones, I definitely don't want to ruin it because they ain't tweet.
When you're drunk, doorknobs automatically becomes your enemy… Except you don't realize that it's not a living thing.
It's crazy how this woman can crush a can of beer with her breast. All I can imagine is the pain that comes along with it… Unless it's implants?
We did perform at Disneyland (the hotel) but had no access to the park.. Unless we have our own annual pass. At least it took place during the night so it wasn't as "painful" thinking about how we could have gotten to the park.
The pictures have different filters :). And I suppose lighting since one was indoor and the other was outside at night (with flash).
Take care!
Elaine
wait till Meaghan see it (your dead) hahaha! I don't know if putting cucumber on your eyes overnight will be cool for you tho', hahaha!
I'm not an expert with computers but I kinda have knowledge about hacking and stuffs (but definitely not a hacker lol). So yeah. And my boyfriend thinks i'm gonna do good at it. Plus the fact that he took up forensic science. What state are you from btw?
Leave Comment