Pour Decisions: From Cocktails to Cuffs
Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common).
To be honest, some of my fondest memories are the result of being utterly plastered. This past weekend, however, I stumbled onto a new type of drunken escapades: I was chased by the police.
It all started around four in the morning, fueled by the fruity buzz of raspberry-flavored Mike’s Hard Lemonades (don’t knock ’em till you’ve tried ’em). Nearly passing out on a lawn chair with a gnome up my butt, I figured it was high time to call it a night.
Now, the journey back to my dorm is usually a leisurely stroll, so I figured I’d walk. Unfortunately, the walk ended up being more of a stumble. I was tripping over my own feet like a newborn giraffe in stilettos.
As fate would have it, I found myself crossing a busy street just as the unmistakable wail of police sirens filled the air. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I didn’t think at all; to avoid confrontation, I jumped into a bush.
Next thing I remember is a deep, intense scream that pierced through the sirens; making me nearly soil myself. To my surprise, the cop had jumped out of his car and started sprinting towards me.
In fear, I screamed back at him. But then, in a moment of liquid courage, I tried a daring escape, only to be met by a second patrol car blocking the opposite path. Feeling the excitement, I pretended I was in a Die Hard movie and attempted drunken somersaults.
Needless to say, the officers were not amused, one even brandishing a firearm and ordering me to get down on my knees. Still completely shit-faced, I giggled at his dirty remark. Before I knew it, I was handcuffed and surrounded by a curious audience of passing motorists, each casting pitying glances my way.
Completely dumbfounded; I turned back to the cops and said, “Ohio has some strict underage drinking laws, eh?” Oops. Cover blown.
And then, yet another wild officer appeared (I swear, at this point, I had enough policemen for my own personal SWAT team). This guy assured me that if I cooperated, he’d let me go. Okay, cool. But I still didn’t know why I was handcuffed.
The cop was cute (in a 35-year-old-hot-dad-with-a-long-nightstick kind of way). He looked like his name was Damon, so that’s what I kept calling him. Damon politely requested permission for a strip search, which I couldn’t help but find both endearing and slightly kinky.
He rummaged through my pockets (yes, daddy), discovering nothing more than a Lady Gaga keychain and some old crayons from Applebee’s (this is, perhaps, more embarrassing than my choice of alcohol). Damon pulled out his walkie-talkie and exclaimed with a laugh, “There’s no way this guy is the threat.”
And just like that, the cuffs were off. The whole ordeal was over in a blur (and not only because I blacked out).
In the sober light of day, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Sure, there was no apology for the mishap – not even from my future husband Damon – but hey, at least my underage antics went undetected, thanks in part to my fruity raspberry breath. I suppose being drunk prevented me from doing something stupid and getting killed (wow, somebody put that in a PSA).
I couldn’t resist telling my mother about my drunken shenanigans, and needless to say, she was not amused. She wasted no time demanding answers from the authorities.
According to the police chief, I was apprehended due to a case of mistaken identity, simply fitting the description of a suspicious character on the loose with a knife. And by “fitting the description,” I was “a Caucasian male with khaki pants.” Except I wasn’t wearing khaki pants. Or holding a knife. But, okay. Whatever.
The officer also told my mother I looked suspicious because I jumped into a bush. Well, damn. I guess there’s no appreciation for nature lovers anymore.
75 Comments
Kelly
man that made me laugh xD ah i dont think i've heard a funnier drunk story then my brother coming home to my dad (and this being the brother who talks to no one but friends or girlfriends) and started saying 'dad you a leg-end'. (and yes we are pronouncing it like he said it, the human leg and then end of it. leg-end. unfortunatly not legend).
so yeah, great story lmao. you really are a leg-end. i was going to say something else… never mind. but some police really are twats ;]
~kelly~
LJP
I didn't realise that Lady Gaga keychains were classed as lethal weapons…
Juan
One again, your article is very nice
Tiff K
so sorry for the late reply back!! XD XD lolz OMG XD XD I've never been drunk before just tipsy, just felt all happy xD i've seen some bad experiences though with my brother when he first got drunk, not a pretty sight but WHOA! Your story has to be really one of the… best! XD haha sorry for laughing, is it okay? XD hahaa and man the police's suspicions are so LOL XD man just because you were caucasian, lolz XD but really good thing you didn't get hurt or anything!
Deanna
Wow, that is quite the story. I would be terrified to be chased by cops. I'm glad they didn't hurt you. The only time I have been approached by a cop was when I was at a restaurant waiting for my friend's to show up. I'm pretty sure he was trying to flirt with me a little bit.
Nnie
OMG lol. What an experience o_0 you should say thanks to your Lady Gaga keychain and the crayons.
If I were you, I'd say, "OK this is not a reality show, right?" then I'd turn my head around to find any hidden camera.
If I couldn't find any, I'd assure myself that it was just a reality show. If the cops said, "No it is not, idiot" then I'd faint.
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I guess most people will have that "want to fit in" feeling. It depends on them–would they let that feeling eat their life or not. Unfortunately some people do let that feeling and end up being uncomfortable for the sake of fitting in. D:
Julia
LOL, that must be bad. But I guess you don't deserve to be called a 'regular human' if you've never crapped in your pants when you were a kid. 😛
I remember crapping in my pants once or twice. They didn't have water or tissues so some of the poop stuck to my butt and it felt so awkward whenever I sat down. XD
ROFLMAO! Yeah, whenever you want to lose weight, use my blog as an inspiration. XDD Want me to give me the link so you can bookmark the link? LMAOOOO.
Whoa, I thought you were in serious trouble when I read that the cops caught you. But good thing they let you off the hook! 😉
Delilah
Haha, your blogs are so funny. 😉 So was this a TRUE story? It seems like a story that's fiction… I bet you could publish this and add in more details before. [x
Mann, I hate volleyball! Actually, I like to toss the ball into the air a lot but not the actual game. I don't like it because everyone's so scary. Plus it seems like the ball's gonna hit your face and your nose will be broken. I don't want that. XD I guess it'd be okay if I played with friends. Hehe.
Ivy
I have never experienced with alcohol and police. ): But during my first year in college, my roommate and her friends were cited for alcohol and got in a lot of trouble. It wasn't in our room, thank god! Or else I would've been in trouble too for something I haven't done! ):
Hmms, the police is kind of ehhhs…I think the police is just overreacting of the situation. Whatever…just ignore it and them. : Don't let them get to you.
Gail
Nice! I love the way you blog. 🙂
I've never experience being drunk before nor being chased by the police but I guess I'll try it when I get a little older. hha. Kidding! 🙂
Passion
Wow, excellent writing, your crazy funny.
"because they make my butt cheeks look saggy", lmao!!!!
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My wordpress was blocking me from my host. I p
refer cutenews anyways. Thanks.
Charley
Ahahah that was the funniest thing I've read in a while 🙂 You write very nicely! That's a story to tell the grandkids ;D
Kayt
yeah.. bullying is stupid, and I don't know what kind of pleasure they get out of it. I'm glad that the bullying for you has lessend, you can't help who you love! And for the record, I think gay guys are awesome!
this blog made me laugh actually. First of all, i like how you described your alcohol choice as furity! mm mikes hard lemonade! so good.
DAMON lmaooo, i love how you (not you as in you, but you in general) can see someone fitting a certain name.
What jerks though.. they just arrest you and you didnt even fit the descrition! cool that you got away with being underaged and drunk.. more so since you even said it! (weird that they didnt even check lol).
your mom sounds awesome! my mom would yell and bitch at me for being drunk in the first place.. they think im some sort of angel who would never do such thing.. little do they know..
Kitty
WTF? I am not sure if i should be rolling on the floor laughing or get really angry that those cops just jumped on you and didn't even apologize!
At least a hot cop touched you, right?
are you sure that "being completely plastered" and "memories" can be put in one sentence?
btw your drink is more embarrassing 😉 (j/k)
Laura
Justin! Hi! You probably don't remember me but I'm basically one of those hiya-I-fell-off-the-face-of-the-earth-due-to
-studying-but-now-I-wanna-come-back-bloggers
:P. That took like a whole 3 minutes to type! And it probably didn't make you or anyone else laugh but I giggled so yeah :P. Trying to ride a hamster? Fun times xD. I'm not a drinker sadly I'm one of those annoying people who goes on nights out, watches her friends get drunk and then reminds them of the daft stuff they done the next morning. Charming eh :P? My boyfriends friends love me for that … 8-).
Police chasing you! That sounds scary. I would have cried or something like that :O. Ohmygosh! He pulled his gun out!? Yeah I'd be wetting my pants at this point!
Eeep you carry crayons! Haha yay :D. Yay that they decided you weren't a threat but still scary!
Haha yay on not getting caught but boo at the lack of appology :P. Ugh cops eh? Don't know the difference between certain types of pants 😛 …
Your blog made me giggle, as always :).
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