Congrats! Your Hurricane is a Boy!
Why on earth do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms.
Isn’t it a tad distasteful to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? I mean, we don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster… So why not just say there’s a hurricane coming? That’d do it for me.
Per my research, back when this started, there were only female names. My guess is some salty sailor dudes did all the naming. Yeah, they were probably a bunch of disgruntled losers trying to get even with the women who reduced their lives to rubble (get it?).
These days, hurricanes are assigned a mix of both male and female names, because equality, right? The current lineup for 2009 is Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin, Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, and Wanda.
Hold up. Let’s talk about these names for a minute. They are way too passive. Hurricane Mindy? Who’s going to take a warning about Hurricane Rose seriously… she sounds like my welcoming grandmother. And boy oh boy, nothing sounds more catastrophic than Hurricane Grace.
If we must name hurricanes, we should give them names that strike fear into our hearts. I’d be much quicker to heed the warning for Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-Kid-Zombie-Fleshed-Porcelain-Doll-Decepticon.
But with a name like Fred, you’d think the hurricane was a playful puppy or a kindly Uncle. People should not be sympathizing with swirling storms. And if scary names are too trauma-inducing, I have another pitch. How about derogatory names that better characterize their rude nature?
Picture it: One season might start out with Hurricane Asshole, and then continue with Hurricane Beeotch, and then finally wrap up with Tropical Depression Crackhead. You can’t deny that this would liven up weather reports…
“Now Bob with the weather. Bob, it looks like Hurricane Dickwad is headed right for the Florida Keys.”
“That’s right, Jim. What a prick.”
Wouldn’t that be fantastic? And if we adopted this naming convention, we’d have enough insults to last for decades. Of course, if we ever ran out, or just for variety, we could always switch to German.
129 Comments
Aimee
Oh I know, I don't see the point. Maybe its because when they write history junk, they at least have a name for it. As for Michael Jackson, sorry I spooked ya! I also found while reading through comments on another video (an even longer one) You can actually see his face AND the part that scared me I don't know if you noticed but as they walk through the door (first half) you see this person dressed like him and his hair then when they walk in…the door frame they went through you can see that same person peek around the door frame *shivers* I'm freaked out too! Its probably just consequence but…I dunno…
Christine
This is hilarious! I agree as well. Someone named Claudette reminds me of a wholesome girl who I'd call to babysit for me or something, not a storm which would destroy my house! And you're right, we never name blizzards. How come only hurricanes?
Jhase
-hugs back- Totally needed that. Seriously, I was about to blow up the internet when I had to do that all over. But I'm good now, getting the pages made then I'll work on adding the writing, and what not.
Felicia
OKAY. Let me just start off by saying I totally agree with this post, and have been waiting to rant about this with someone for a while.
Hurricane names like "Larry" sound SO incredibly dopey. It makes me want to roll my eyes until they fall out.
When I think of a name like that, my mind automatically flashes to an old man in suspenders, with a plastic walker and a post-nasal drip.
Hurricane names should be bequeathed to storms to give their potential victims motivation to evacuate their homes! Not solely for identity purposes.
What's going to make you want leave your house more? A summer visit from sweet little grandma hurricane Odette, or a blast in the ass from Tropical Storm Crackwhore?!
The least weathermen can do is give these hurricanes a surname of….like…."motherfuckin''", or something.
"Motherfuckin' Wanda is 40 degrees east, and will hit Florida on Tuesday!"
Jill
Lol I think they started with female names because it was the whole "Fear the wrath of a woman scorned.." or whatever the hell that phrase is that I can never ever remember. Joaquin is a freaking awesome name for a hurricane, I am now envious of a natural disaster lol.
Kitty
Actually it makes more sence than naming male genetalia.
But it is kinda 'cute' to say " Mindy destroyed my house". Altough tropical storm crakwhore is pretty cool too >_>
Julianne
haha I love your writtings, they're hilarious! It might also been funny to name them after terrible celebrities.
Gillan
dude i like your ideas on hurricane names.they should get your suggestions ^^
anyway,i'm back!!!
Graciesdesigns
I know…can you imagine if we didn't sympathize with the hurricane. "Hurricane Ida, please don't tear the roof off. I just got it replaced last week." LOL!!!!
Jhase
Hahahaha! Yes, Hurrican Dickwad is a perfect name. You are right though. I do not understand the need to name a hurricane. I guess to classify them if there are a lot, but still the passive names and stuff, that much I don't get. I mean who would be scared of Hurricane Lulu? Now Hurricane Psycho Bitch, we'll talk about some fear then.
Although, I'd be afraid of Hurricane Seacrest.
Paige
Hahahahaha!
I never want to hear a hurricane with my name coming. That would just depress me.
But, I don't have to worry about hurricanes, thank God. Just tornadoes, earthquakes and mines collapsing under my house. XD
Beckii
ROFL. You make a good point. Why /do/ we name hurricanes? If they're going to name them things like "Grace" "Rose" or "Ida" ( which all sound like old women ) they should at least warn us of hurricanes in a frightening voice. xD
Lillie
Why is there a name o_o. That's like, naming your printer "Princess". *cough* I couldn't think of a name.
Hehe, I laughed a bit @ "Decepticon" :3. neeshdg. There should be a hurricane Lillie :D. People would take that one seriously ^__^
Liesl
Lmao. You have a good point here… They pick the worst names. Hurricane Rose? Hm, maybe they're trying to make them sound less intimidating or maybe they just like the names, haha. And Joaquin is a Spanish name; it's not that hard to pronounce 😉 haha. But I'm guessing they pick all types of different names since here in the US we have different cultures, names, etc. However, Rose and Grace would not be very good for hurricanes. "Hurricane Dickwad" is more like it, hahaha.
Eka
German would be appropriate for naming hurricanes. Anything in German sounds intimidating.
They pick weird names. Odette? Ida? Joaquin?! If they ever get up to Joaquin, I think they should use Joaquin Phoenix's face instead of the normal hurricane symbol when they're tracking it on the weather channel. Just his head, spinning around in the gulf. Bwahahaha!
Pft! Hurricane dickwad!
Leave Comment