I Pronounce You Hand and Wife
I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start?
Picture it: Years from now, they’ll be knee-deep in a heated argument about who forgot to pick up the diapers, and suddenly, they’ll both turn to each other and say, “Remember that awful vocalist who started it all?”
The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember that chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”
And then the groom will retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”
And then she’ll add, “Our wedding was more of a disaster than his hairdo.” And so the saga will continue, the diaper will remain unchanged, and I will become public enemy number one for a baby who grows up seeking vengeance.
But hey, maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do. In fact, while belting out tunes at the wedding, I started over-thinking many things. For example, why is it that when a guy pops the question, he asks for a hand in marriage?
I mean… hands? Seriously? Why hands? Hands are gross. According to every soap commercial ever, hands are constantly dirty and covered in who-knows-what. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?
There are certainly more interesting body parts to choose from. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.
You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.
How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or spleen? “Excuse me, sir, but I’m head over heels for your daughter, and I’d like to snag her ass in matrimony.”
Okay, that got weird real quick. Suddenly, asking for her hand doesn’t sound so bad.
But in all honesty, why limit it to just one body part? Call me old-fashioned, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall for the entire package.
106 Comments
Francine
if you say so… ill probably just sabotage the whole layout anyway if i try to change it… =P
Francine
i know….i knew that would be a problem since my screen is widescreen…damn. i may have to make the background image smaller but any more smaller and itll make the layout look "empty" if you know what i mean… gah! perhaps i can move the image more to the left….*hmmmmh*
Diamond
WOW for 11 years? COOL. Thats just plain scary though. its only like yesterday. time flies! D: 🙁
Yeah! So you also had probs I see. Well thats good to know. haha. Its only natural to find such probs! Still cant believe its 11 years though. Im sure it was only like yesterday? xd
Francine
lol,im sure youre not.
but bleh,i cant be asked making the new layout…
what browser do you use?
Ariel
For realz, I think only you can make these things interesting to read. When I'm proposed to (if ever..) I'll ask the guy to take my whole being in marriage.
Graciesdesigns
Thanks for the comment! I will defintley post pictures! I know I'm not good at explaining things!
Francine
nah,i put your link up. its gonna take me years to change my layout.
Francine
oh,are we affies now? ^___^
ill add your link once i get my new layout up!
Aimee
You have the weirdest thoughts my friend hahahaha but its true! I've actually always wondered that too though so I guess we both are weird 🙂
The pain is where my appendix and gallbladder is and whenever I eat it hurts more or I feel nauseous. Its getting better and I guess I'm being lazy lol 😀
Kristina
Haha yes. Compare lists.
" Did you ah get the spare underpants for the first day?"
"CHECK!"
😉 lol
Ah, Justin I always adore reading your blogs. Always interesting.
And I see your point, why not the ass, instead of the hand? '-__-
It would be awkward though… In front of family members… xD
Theresa
haha. it was so much fun!
but I guess asking for their hand in marriage symbolizes unity and stuff? like two hands together? haha idk. :]
Amanda
haha I don't know, I guess the little sprucing of the hosting page really worked XD with the help of visiting some freewebs sites XD
and thanks for the concern! I went to therapy the other day and I learned some excercises that I have to do everyday. Pretty easy but some are very tiring XD
Rachel
Haha, funny as always. xD That is kind of strange that a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage.
Mm yeah, I also only put songs that I really like on my iPod, but eventually I get tired of them so then I get my shuffling syndrome. 😛
Erika
yeah really random collection of fears :O but they do freak me out big time!
Aha, and all those fears are downtown from me LOL!
"the spouses may get into a huge fight over diaper-changing and remember the awful vocalist that started it all…" LMFAO. I nearly peed a little 😉 when i read that! Haha.
Jetice
Really you asked a question… are you sure you aren't happy… which one was it…?
Single White Female is about a woman who gets a roommate who ends up trying to become more than just her best friend… she tries to become her. Um.. if you have onDemand you can watch it in the free movies section. Its somewhat old.. but its really good in my book.
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