Oh Snow You Didn’t, Girlfriend!
Outside of work, you’ll never catch me wearing pants. I loathe the way they look. I loathe the way they feel. I loathe the way the snug fit causes accidental twerking.
It’s no secret that I’ve got a big ol’ man booty, and pants only emphasize it. It doesn’t matter if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants—when my butt has drapes, it takes on new shapes.
But no, I don’t go outside with my butt exposed. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I know I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!
For some magical reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid looking at it. I don’t know why, but it works. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensively Hulk-ish legs.
There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day. Winter. When it gets chilly outside, I must choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.
For this reason, I despise winter. I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ margaritas.
Seriously, why does it have to get so cold? Why can’t the weather just remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up.
Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in May. Yes, May. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I looked outside my window, it seemed like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.
I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman explained the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools’ joke? Does the news channel air reruns? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot won’t stop shaking it?
Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.
I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.
Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.
I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I tumbled down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.
On the bright side, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.
107 Comments
Brent
I'm fourteen! D:<!
I didn't say that to her; but I told my mom that. x]
My mum doesnt like my stepmum and she doesnt care if i curse
Stephine
Please come view the rules and prizes for the domain competition on my site. It's okay if you're not planning on entering, your opinion still matters to me 🙂
Viki
haha yeaah B)
still there in, with me, every piece of my mom's macaroni that lands me flat on the floor.
haha right -.-'
just sit next to a picture of my a drool.
I MISS YOU SASQUACH!
Sade
lol, I hate to admit but I kinda like
their music. But their not that great.
SNOW ANGEL?!?! I love those things~
Kirsty
I don't want to sound harsh or anything but that comment wasn't really that nice :S.
We're all different. If I feel I cannot return comments 24/7 then I cannot. I don't have a problem with people that do…good for them!
I am not saying other people don't find college hard etc, that they don't have a social life. Not at all was I saying that.
And it isn't just college. I'm not really into my site anymore, I haven't been for months!
Sylvia
It sounds as though you and I had the same problem with school not being canceled for more than a few hours, or, if at all. I spent most of the next day digging out my roommates and boyfriend's car.
What a fun way to spend a day off :-/
Alicia
LMFAO.
hahaha that sucks that you missed the sled. Perhaps you need glasses. 😛 Or maybe it was still just to early for you. xD
You've never been sledding before?
😮 YOU CRAZY PERSON!
how is that even possible unless you live in like… the amazon? xD
And stepping on your arm… *shakes head* oh jeez. I don't know how anyone could manage that. But the running into walls thing *laughs nervously* yeahhh I can relate. baha.
Nigel
omg
lmao
and rofl
haha i bet ur stomach is all bluish
Robmarie
OMG Justin! You stepped on your arm? What the hell where you doing when you fell asleep? Playing Twister on your bed? LOOOOOOOL XD So many questions, so many possible answers…
Marie Claire
Seems like you had a good day! It has never snowed over here… I'm so jealous 😛
Rachel
WOW, you'd NEVER been sledding before??? I'm glad you had your experience, belly-flop and all.
I haven't gone sledding in a couple years actually, but it's fun!!! 😀
Jill
Haha, I've never been into sledding that much but your experience sounds fun. We had one snow day this week too. During midterms! How excellent.
Spencer
Well, I reckon you just didn't see the link of yours that I just added to my sidebar and affiliates page two seconds ago before I left this here comment.
Or you know. Something like that…
Mimi
3 snow days??? Lucky you! We only had one, and even that was merely a delay, not a complete day off. Then again, we didn't get a lot of snow.
Man, I've never been sledding but it sounds like a lot of fun! I remember making snow angels as a child. Awww, I wanna be a kid again.
Jenn
I live in Toronto, Canada so snow days are nothing new for me. My area rarely called a snow day, but lots of other areas around me did lol… makes me a little jealous lol.
I haven't gone sledding in AGES. Maybe like 7 or 8 years? At least? Lol. I loved to LOVE my sled. Once, my dad made me go sledding when there was hardly any snow out and my sled had a piece in the middle break off. I saved that piece and put it into a necklace-sized jewelery box xD I think I found it not that long ago actually lol.
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