What a Load of Hogwash
I’ve always dreamed of attending a pig-catching competition. Imagine the hilarity of watching idiots struggle to chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for cash prizes. Sign me up! After an unproductive day of binge-watching clips, it’s clear that catching pigs is nearly impossible. So, that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu?
Fear of the H1N1 virus is spreading like wildfire across the United States, and according to CNN, my college boasts the worst outbreak in the Midwest.
Well, dang. Why couldn’t we be on the news for something cool, like discovering Bigfoot’s Facebook account?
With over 110 identified cases, you’d think our university would shut down. But nope, classes are still in session. The school officials are carrying on like it’s nothing. They’ve simply handed out a few boxes of hand sanitizer.
In my growing paranoia, I have some pressing questions…
- Will Swine Flu give me an uncontrollable craving for bacon and pork chops?
- Should I slather myself in oinkment?
- Is this more of a snoutbreak or a hamdemic?
- Are we heading for an Aporkalypse, Hamageddon, Pink Plague, or something equally dramatic?
- Should I sneeze by saying achoink?
- Will there be blockbuster movies about our school, and if so, can I be the main character? I’d like to pitch: Swinedler’s List, Pig Trouble in Little Mexico, and Babe: Death in the City.
- Once infected, is this an acceptable pickup line: “Girl, you need to be quarantined, because you have a case of the Fine Flu.“
Wow. There are so many swine flu jokes going around. It’s like an epidemic or something.
What even is Swine Flu? Now, I’m not a scientist, but I do have a theory. I bet it was started by a group of jealous pigs. Hear me out: Turkeys have Bird Flu, cows have Mad Cow Disease, and crabs have… well, you know. Pigs were simply next in line to pig out and bring home some extra bacon.
Darn those attention-boars.
I used to trust pigs. I even had a piggy bank. Well, not anymore. First, they took my money, and now they’re trying to kill me. Remember when PETA protested that meat is murder? They were actually warning us!
Help me! I’m living in fear! I doubt I’ll survive this Swine Flu. Hell, I doubt I’ll survive my university’s quarantine. Well, I suppose there’s a chance… when pigs fly.
72 Comments
Stepherz
The puns are so much more amazing then swine flu. 🙂
Trish
You know, the puns were pretty bad, but they were still funny. XD My best friend had the swine flu. She survived. =_= Unfortunately. I kid, I kid! I love her.
Anyway, this was the best:
"Will there be a movie about the tragedies; "Swinedler's List," "Pig Trouble In Little Mexico," "Babe: Death In The City," etc…?"
I think "Swinedler's List got me. There are a lot of people who have gotten it at my school. Why can't they close the schools down?! WHY?!!!
Mom/Debbie
I am sick and can't come until tomorrow. I have your card and fruit drinks.
Mom/Debbie
Hi Justin,
I love you! Love, Mommy
Sarah
Haha, nice domain name. lol
Monnii Bee
Hey Justin!
Sorry for the unexpected hiatus and sorry for not coming on to comment your blog, i'm going to have to come back later to see whats been going on in your life!
anyways, i was just checking in and i'll be back soon!
Hope all is going well,
Monnii Bee
Jill
My mom is going to make me get the vaccine as soon as she can find where it's available. Boo swine.
Regina
Ahaha! Those jokes made me laugh so hard that I snorted… like a pig. 😛
Emily
I dunno why, but I feel like sharing this with you. It seems to me the government likes spreading panic, BUT–
I bet this wasn't on your news: <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1213056/Up-million-march-US-Capitol-protest-Obamas-s
pending-tea-party-demonstration.html">click</a>. 1 million protesters, and it wasn't on TV??
Jumana
hehe =p
funny blog. indeed. you know, they say more people die annually from the normal flue than the people who died from swine flue. it's all media exaggerating as usual. trying to put something in the spotlight. then again, it might be all those medicine companies trying to make some cash. ah well.
Mom/Debbie
Hi Justin,
I miss you. Love your blog! Love, Mom
Mom/Debbie
Hi Justin! You article is very good! It makes me laugh. I am visiting you Wednesday. Love, Mom
Anna
Hahaha, H1N1 is VERY VERY DANGEROUS! :p
We just had some warnings at school… and letters to our parents saying: "please make your children stay home if they cough or sneeze"
uhm … yes. they're just trying to spread some panic, huh?!
I dun think it'll kill anyone who just visits his doc & stays home with some medicine. Whatever. 🙂
I always have an english version of my blog entries … so if you want to read some stupid things … feel free to visit me 😉
Paige
Girls on the dance team at my school have the swine flu. Some people are really freaked out about it, but most of us are just like "whatever. We'll live." It's calmed down a lot but before people where obsessing over it.
When it's all over, I want a pin or something that says "I survived the swine flu! Did you?"
Lee
Whassup Jus10? 😀
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