Wrap Rage: Seal of Disapproval
Christmas movies make me laugh with all their clichés. There’s always a scene where children rush down the stairs to discover mountain of presents beneath the tree. Cue the sappy music as the camera pans over the kids tearing open boxes, revealing board games, Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr. Potato Head. Parents look on adoringly, and the world is full of happiness. Gross.
I don’t know about you, but my childhood Christmases never looked that picture-perfect. In fact, they were quite the opposite. Instead of running to the tree, the first thing I’d do in the morning was head to the shed for a chainsaw.
You see, the thrill of getting a new toy was always ruined by that plastic clamshell packaging crap. You know, the impenetrable bubble stuff that’s always wrapped around electronics. Trying to pry that shit open often resulted in injury, sometimes even blood loss. Christmas Eve became a day to prepare for the coming war.
I’ve faced some pretty defiant packages in my day. I was forced to attack them with scissors, pliers, a butcher knife, a razor blade, my teeth, and even a newborn baby. Yes, a newborn baby, because, well, rumor has it kids can get into anything.
Trying to salvage my holiday spirit, I recently looked into solutions and found a device called the Package Shark. I was so excited until I realized it was also wrapped in clamshell packaging.
Don’t get me wrong; I understand it’s to prevent theft. But when it takes you two days to open your purchase, it kind of defeats the purpose. And boy, the worst part is when the clamshell is so tight around an item that there’s nowhere to poke without punching through the item itself.
A brand-new pair of headphones should not come with a sliced-up wire and 17 dents in the earpiece before you can use it.
According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 6,000 Americans are sent to emergency rooms each year with injuries caused by trying to open their purchases. What the hell?!
Another idea: why don’t we use this stuff to make condoms?
In conclusion, I hate clamshell packaging. It’s pretty awkward when you go to return something, and it looks like it’s been attacked by a Rottweiler.
113 Comments
Ben
It's ready! I'm open!
Lee
Clamshell packaging… ugh, I hate those. Once I tried opening it with my hands, and it snapped out of my hands and hit my eye with the pointy bit; so I was half blind for a while… with an eyepatch. xD
Yep, make condoms with them. That would hurt men's genitals! And what about the FEMALE ONES? That'd hurt even more.
Maybe they need a softer one, or put bubble wrap around it. 😀
Diamond
Hahaha LOL. I'm pretty sure I wanted to be there though. 🙂 I'll face the risk.
–
lmfao. That kind of packaging really is tough. Sometimes I try to open it slowly but when there's this really big thing inside that i've been waiting so much for, I usually just try to open it really fast.
lmfao. With condoms? I think that'd be a little tough on "them".~~ xD
Georgina
Oh, I hate clamshell packaging. My mum got a deep cut from one before. 🙁
If this stuff is strong, you're right about the condom thing. XD
As for the package shark… too bad! 😛
Shur
So I guess I'm just one period away from my new layout.
(no pun intended)
Post Pee-Pee Comment
First off: It is storming…and of course I am not with you. FML!
Second:
You made me feel all Christmas like. Damn you haha! And yes…I hate those things! Every time I have to open one, a little piece of my sould dies! At least parents have the option of torture with these packages. "Be good or I won't open it for you!" Bitches
(kiss)
Jay
those packages can definitely ruin a moment.
all that excitement, to realize that we can't open the freaking box? pleasee. then you're like "screw this". the contents of the box just aren't as amazing anymore.
and the irony in that package shark 😉
Amanda
ahaha you probably imagined right! We were like running everywhere XD
Allie
LMAO. Your blogs crack me up. Yeah, it IS hard opening those packages. -.- HAHAHAH. Condoms. It's SO you to change the topic to something related to sex. 😛
Wow, that's so sad. The purpose was to help you pen it, yet it's packaged in one?! O_o
LOL. Yes, you feel like you've seen the header before because I tweeted it and I also sent you guys the link in a chat. 😛
Hah, you're so strange. You never talk in the chats, but you always say you miss me in comments. xD
Felicia
So you've fallen victim too? Damn those cheez-its!
And, ha ha ha! Oh my god! I hate hate hate hate hate that stupid clamshell wrap! Did the creator design it SPECIFICALLY to bring its openers to the brink of insanity?
I think they should donate the entire world's supply to NASA, to make a space station out of it, or SOMETHING. Put it to some actual use!
Kristina
Baha, your blog made my laugh. Really well written. And I totally agree with you, the packaging for presents are always so hard to get into. Why not use a plastic bag and some tape? Won't take my fingers off…
Overall, totally true..
😉
Meaghan!
Haha, I only show super special people, my VIP 😀
Oh my gosh. Christmas never happens like that for me. Haha! Bratz. My aunt got me a Bratz play safe one Christmas o.o
Haha an upcoming war? Whoa. That's intense xD
LMFAO. Bust a cap haha. That's what my friend's say :]
XD My friends opened a condom today & it was covered in lube. And it was warm :]
Brittany!
thanks! 😀
Gillian
LOL yeah best of luck hitting on people with the "We're family" line. Hope it goes down well. xD
Sigh, the Christmas movie scenes are always so happy and joyful and .. unrealistic. My Christmases are never like that either.
I hate the damn packaging as well.
Its actually made me cry a couple times…. leave me alone.
I lose all my energy in trying to open the gift and then I reach a point where it's just like screw it..
LMAO that statistic at the end of your blog is pretty amazing but hilarious.
Jill
Hey man I didn't have fun all day and I was keeping quiet about it out of courtesy for my friend. And then I was forced to re-watch the three hour movie. It didn't help my headache any either..
And I fixed my computer myself, I hooked up a new router 🙂
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