You’re So Stupid, You’re Smart
When I was in grade school, a self-proclaimed health guru swung by my classroom to teach me about nutrition. His golden nugget of wisdom? “You are what you eat.” Cue my horror. I sprinted home, darted under the bed, and wailed like a three-year old girl, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”
Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.
Although he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to shape my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. In fear of becoming an idiot, I avoided dum-dums at all costs. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.
Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.
But hey, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language was designed to call people stupid.
Another example would be the terms “smartass” and “dumbass.”
I don’t get it. Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on in school? Isn’t butt-picking a social faux pas? I should probably send my badonkadonk to college. Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?
I’ve heard of people working their butts off, but can booties work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?
The lingo doesn’t stop there: A “wiseass” is a really smart smartass. A “stupidass” is a really dumb dumbass. A “stupiderass” is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A “cheapass” is often a smartass, but also a “lameass.” A “lazyass” is both a dumbass and a smartass because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a “fatass.”
My apologies for all these “wisecracks.”
Per my weirdass analysis, “smartass” and “dumbass” are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is that possible? Is it because they’re both extreme? Wouldn’t that make the desirable outcome an “averageass?”
Maybe it’s because the suffix “ass” has the power to ruin a word. But it can’t be that, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.
And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? Though that’s not necessarily an issue, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.
Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Perhaps I’m being too… cheeky. Forgive me for being such an “assass.”
38 Comments
Bonnie
haha i remember after i watched 'supersize me', i probably ate more mcdonalds after that. eating healthy never really crossed my mind.
lets just say lingos never really make sense haha. there always those 'smartasses' who come up with some 'smartass' answer that backfires your 'insult'.
Angelica
That is indeed weird! Especially to me since we don't have that kind of expressions in Swedish.
Regina
Lol, have you ever read "The Day My Butt Went Psycho" ? It's about a world where butts have a mind of their own. I think you'd enjoy it! It's actually a part of a trilogy, along with "Zombie Butts from Uranus" and "Butt Wars: The Final Conflict".
Trish
I think I'm a lazyass, but I'm not fat, so I can't be a fatass. :/ I'd rather go with "hotass". 😀
"You are what you eat." …toriyaki? I'm chicken covered in that sweet, delicious soy sauce, mixed perfectly with honey and sugar? I sound yummy. :9
Jhase
Well that was a refreshing read, its been a while since you've made me laugh via a blog. The scary part is that I understood that without reading it a second time. I don't know how, cause it was just a tad confusing, but hey I did so whatever.
But for the record my ass is smart, I got it to take the SATs for me. Progress my friend, progress. =D
So how does Justin be?
Chynna
Aha, that was fun to read 🙂
Although, I must admit I got confused when you explained the "-ass" bit. I have never even heard of a stupiderass. Maybe because we say arse over here in England 😀
x
Marianne
Very interesting, haha. I never really thought about the relationship between food (/candy) names and the ''you are what you eat'' saying. 😛
Katie
your blogs never fail to be funny. i also love the way you think.
haha, seriously. all this dumbass and smartass business, really has made me think. and now i think i've looked at the word 'ass' way too much. i've never really thought into it really. but now my brain hurts haha.
Holly
Haha your blogs make me laugh so much 😀 I better getting eating some smarties, I have an English exam tomorrow 🙁
xxx
Aimee
You're my hero 😀 hahaha
Mom/Debbie
I love the word "ass".
Trypp
dude, caity took the words right out of my mouth about your blogging style – it's so clever and witty….it always makes me laugh =P but yeah anyway! I used to fear the SAME exact thing about eating dum dums! Haha…after a while though I gave up the fear of becoming a total moron and chomped 'em down.
Alice
Haha, very witty blog. 🙂 You're excellent with words and wordplay. And I totally know what you mean, it's like "cold as hell" and the "hot as hell stuff" xD. Personally, I like my ass the way it is; I'd say it's a very nice ass 😉 And you make excellent points, too 😀
Imma wet my pants now xD
Sean
wow…my brain hurts. lol. Now I know what you were busy doing when I called. hehe. Good blog. 😀 😀 😀
Caity
Haha, I love the way you write. It's so clever – the way you think! I have always thought it was so silly when grown ups tell children that they are what they eat. I enjoyed reading the rest of your entry about asses. I must admit I never really thought that much into it. Leave it to you! Haha!
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