You’re So Stupid, You’re Smart
When I was in grade school, a self-proclaimed health guru swung by my classroom to teach me about nutrition. His golden nugget of wisdom? “You are what you eat.” Cue my horror. I sprinted home, darted under the bed, and wailed like a three-year old girl, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”
Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.
Although he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to shape my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. In fear of becoming an idiot, I avoided dum-dums at all costs. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.
Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.
But hey, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language was designed to call people stupid.
Another example would be the terms “smartass” and “dumbass.”
I don’t get it. Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on in school? Isn’t butt-picking a social faux pas? I should probably send my badonkadonk to college. Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?
I’ve heard of people working their butts off, but can booties work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?
The lingo doesn’t stop there: A “wiseass” is a really smart smartass. A “stupidass” is a really dumb dumbass. A “stupiderass” is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A “cheapass” is often a smartass, but also a “lameass.” A “lazyass” is both a dumbass and a smartass because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a “fatass.”
My apologies for all these “wisecracks.”
Per my weirdass analysis, “smartass” and “dumbass” are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is that possible? Is it because they’re both extreme? Wouldn’t that make the desirable outcome an “averageass?”
Maybe it’s because the suffix “ass” has the power to ruin a word. But it can’t be that, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.
And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? Though that’s not necessarily an issue, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.
Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Perhaps I’m being too… cheeky. Forgive me for being such an “assass.”
38 Comments
Alice
(pasting the same thing to every affie 😛 )
Hey there affie!
I know, i've been a TERRIBLE affiliate.
Haven't been updating, haven't been replying DD:
forgive me please? loll
anyways, hope you still remember me o__O
i give you the right to slap my face if I keep dissapearing.
I BLAME SCHOOL 😛 I swear I will try and keep up with the comments!
with lotsa love,
Alice from KTM (:
Blizz
OMG i havent read this funny of ramblings in a very very long time! The worst part? It makes sense! Thank you for this blurb of sunshine!
AnneMarie
Hahahaha, I can't even picture my butt having a brain. Ick, if my butt had a mind of it's own. How creepy would that be. If I was what I ate, then I'd be a giant bowl of ice cream. 😛 I might end up eating myself. Wonder if those people ever wondered that. That wouldn't be so bad now would it?
Kathryn
LMFAO, your blogs are freakin' hilarious. I was really LOL-ing in real life. XD The nipples into pickles bit set me off, and now my sister is giving me strange looks. Ahh well.
Oh yeah, you don't really KNOW me, but I randomly came across your blog when I was randomly surfing the web when I randomly thought I'd leave you a comment. Randomly. :3
SAMANTHA
Just wishing you a happy thanksgiving Justin 😀 Enjoy lots of good food for me kk?
Shell
Hey Justin,
It's Shell here, the lass that gave you the shockhorror.org domain a while ago! I'm just messaging you… because I forgot my password on your boards. Is there any way you can email me, to reset it or somewhat?. (Shell__x@msn.com)
Cheers. xx
Web Hosting UK
Was confused about how you explained the "-ass" bit, fun been smartie kid lol….
Charley
hahaah very good 🙂 clever, i loved this blog 🙂 my english language teacher would probably enjoy it rofl
Ariel
Hello, I've just stumbled upon this interesting article. :-O
I'd have to admit I've chugged my share of Smarties when I was a kid. I think my parents bought them for me because they were hoping (unconsciously maybe) that I'd actually become a 'Smarty' 😛
'Ass' is like the ultimate negative phrase. It makes good things bad.
Farah
"Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles." That KILLED me. Seriously.
Eka
Not to be a smartass, but I think the '-ass' suffix is pejorative in itself. So whether you're a dumbass or a wiseass, being any kind of ass isn't a good thing.
I blame the word 'jackass'. Started the whole thing. :|
Just wasn't good enough for people as time went on- had to fill in the blanks with their own adjectives. Jack isn't an adjective anyway. People are dumbasses. 😛
Janice
LOL yeah people nowadays seem like they love to scare others by their words 0.o my teacher also said those stupid sentences about the relation between sweets and smartness 0.o Ah well, I've eaten loads of candies in my life but nothing happened to my brain xD haha.
Stepherz
Have you thought about contacting webster? I think they need to know this grave injustice we are doing to otherwise nice words by adding ass. Like hat. Hat didn't do anything either.
Kyo-Kyo
Wow. That made my head hurt while making me laugh at the same time. Though visual of pickle-nipples did not sit well with me though. I'm even further freaked by nipples now. Lmao.
Olivia
…
Okay, I forgive you, lol!
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