I Pronounce You Hand and Wife
I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start?
Picture it: Years from now, they’ll be knee-deep in a heated argument about who forgot to pick up the diapers, and suddenly, they’ll both turn to each other and say, “Remember that awful vocalist who started it all?”
The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember that chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”
And then the groom will retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”
And then she’ll add, “Our wedding was more of a disaster than his hairdo.” And so the saga will continue, the diaper will remain unchanged, and I will become public enemy number one for a baby who grows up seeking vengeance.
But hey, maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do. In fact, while belting out tunes at the wedding, I started over-thinking many things. For example, why is it that when a guy pops the question, he asks for a hand in marriage?
I mean… hands? Seriously? Why hands? Hands are gross. According to every soap commercial ever, hands are constantly dirty and covered in who-knows-what. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?
There are certainly more interesting body parts to choose from. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.
You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.
How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or spleen? “Excuse me, sir, but I’m head over heels for your daughter, and I’d like to snag her ass in matrimony.”
Okay, that got weird real quick. Suddenly, asking for her hand doesn’t sound so bad.
But in all honesty, why limit it to just one body part? Call me old-fashioned, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall for the entire package.
106 Comments
Brittany!
haha! thanks![: and i will try to be done as soon as i can![: gosh i cant get over your site name! x'D so, how have you been?! 😀
Sam
"Sir, I've fallen deeply in love with your daughter, and I'm asking for her ass in marriage."
I lol'd. ^^
I know what you mean. Sometimes I just can't get why people do and say certain things because they don't make any sense.
Taversia
LOL…….you're silly Justin. 😛
But yeah, that was a really cute way to conclude this post. I "aww"d. 8)
Greg
This is you're funniest blog ever, well apart from the fat man who crapped him self in macdonalds (poop a lot haha). I know you might end up being the cause of a life of love down the drain, i'm joking :| I'm sure you're singing was great! I love singing! 😀 And thats always puzzled me too (well only since you brought it up)! haha. I have a new layout up! Please check it out and tell me what you think! (:
p.s the babies eyes in you're layout are huge! haha
Merii-Beth
LOL thank you ! (:
he was bus that day though..
so we couldn't hang out. :'( loll.
Kat
LOL but we all know that garlic is mildly irritating but wont protect you, it's silver that you need, and a stake hehehhe it's good though i really like it
LOL i'm sure you didn't sing that bad lol
LOLOLOLOLOL they probs ask for their hand in marriage since thats where they put the ring, it'd be funny if they put the ring somewhere else
great blog though hehehe
Farah
I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right! When I marry someone I want them to love me, not my hand. So whoever asks for my hand in marriage is SO getting turned down. Heh.
Nah, I'm joking. It would be awkward, though, wouldn't it? "I'd like your stomach in marriage." "I'd like your eyes in marriage." Lmao. Idk why, but hand sounds so much better.
Gillan
lol,i don't get it too.why is it the hand?
and i agree with you on:
"Call me creepy, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with all of them. "
–call me creepy too 🙂
of course,you're still an affie. dude!i can't retrieve my password on your forum.help me :'(
Ben
I totally agree, hand, lol. And lmao, a bum in marrage? I wonder what the couple think now. :p
Chynna
Haa, I actually laughed out loud when I read your comment (:
Big Brother disappointed me big time! The one I wanted to go, didn't. The public are stupid. Tut.
x
Lee
Ehh… sorry for being late for returning your comment. It was marked as spam. 😛
Noo I don't want to die!
Pandas are nearly extinct! >:D
Diamond
Lmfao. You still have old sites up your sleeve? Wow. That's pretty cool. Sometimes I switch sites due to names and stuff… Like even maybe host probs and stuff like that. Haha I won't be registering my domain just yet anytime soon! 😛 I'm happy with my host! <3
Wow… "Old" nick shows? Like Rugrats or something? Or wait… Rocko's Modern Life? Lol I'm not sure what old Nick shows were…
Rene
hahaha oh goodness. that is some funny stuff to just start thinking while at a wedding…
haha. and that awesome that you sang at their wedding. i am pretty sure you did a good job tho :]
Francine
i do now! i learned the hard way that i should back them up!!
Francine
lol,ive actually sabotaged a lot of layouts before..most of them involve me messing about with my css…i hate it when that happens…
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