I Pronounce You Hand and Wife
I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start?
Picture it: Years from now, they’ll be knee-deep in a heated argument about who forgot to pick up the diapers, and suddenly, they’ll both turn to each other and say, “Remember that awful vocalist who started it all?”
The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember that chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”
And then the groom will retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”
And then she’ll add, “Our wedding was more of a disaster than his hairdo.” And so the saga will continue, the diaper will remain unchanged, and I will become public enemy number one for a baby who grows up seeking vengeance.
But hey, maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do. In fact, while belting out tunes at the wedding, I started over-thinking many things. For example, why is it that when a guy pops the question, he asks for a hand in marriage?
I mean… hands? Seriously? Why hands? Hands are gross. According to every soap commercial ever, hands are constantly dirty and covered in who-knows-what. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?
There are certainly more interesting body parts to choose from. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.
You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.
How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or spleen? “Excuse me, sir, but I’m head over heels for your daughter, and I’d like to snag her ass in matrimony.”
Okay, that got weird real quick. Suddenly, asking for her hand doesn’t sound so bad.
But in all honesty, why limit it to just one body part? Call me old-fashioned, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall for the entire package.
106 Comments
Annabelle
I think men ask women for their hand in marriage, because imagine how big and how much a diamond would be to make a ring for her thigh or waist. 🙂
Thanks for the comment. x
Lani
:DD Guess what I got back??
Hobscotch is back up… hoorah!!
Mimi
"Sir, I've fallen deeply in love with your daughter, and I'm asking for her ass in marriage."
Hahahahaha, this is great. I wonder if anyone actually tried that before.
Sophie
Sorry I haven't commented in so long! I had a break from my site. Hope we can still be affiliates!
Because, if the boyfriend asked the girl's dad for her ass in marriage, the dad would kick the boyfriend's ass. Maybe, anyway.
Christine
Congrats on singing at the wedding! Did you have a fun time? I'm sure you did a great job.
And is it weird that I can picture my boyfriend asking for my ass in marriage? If he wasn't scared of my Dad I think he'd love to say that!
Maryam
pleaseeee lol, can you vote for me at
http://www.sweetandsugary.info/contest/everyone.php ?
thanks, if you doo hahaa 😉
i know this is random buttt er. i need a domain lol..
wow. this layout is ahmazing btw.
Lillie
HAHA. ASS IN MARRIAGE?. Sounds lovely <3 hehe.
I think it's because the ring goes on the finger that's on the hand.
But going on, the hand is on the arm that's on the shoulder thats on the body.
O-O. I guess they just stopped at hand }: Lazy bums.
(: Breast in marriage… LOLOL<3 OMG. *squeeze* O-O…
& What Dove commercials have YOU been watching ): All I see is a naked woman showering.
Lani
Justin!! Dude I missed you!! Ha, sorry… but I did.
Hobscotch just sorta died… one day it went offline and never came back… I feel like I should ask for a divorce from it or something…
Anyways, I'm back online and have decided to stalk you regardless of whether i have a site on which you can reply ^-^
Also: how awkward would the wedding night be if he asked for her nose in marriage… mmm mucusy!
Jackie
Man! My summer is GONE!! :[
Last two week I have worked but I did take an impromptu trip to Canada to bungee jump again. That was fun. I leave for London NEXT Saturday! Ugh.
Meaghan!
Haha yeah, when I put the layout up, I was playing with them for like 5 minutes haha.
Thanks! Yeah, it's like 19 or something. But that's not fair cause I'm 5 years younger! D;
Hahah. Ass in marriage? Oh jeez. You & your crazy ideas [:
Kitty
I guess they are asking for a hand to put a ring on? O_o but then they should be asking for a finger.. but you know once they ask for a finger then they take the whole hand, so they just go with the whole hand and that's it. O_O
Kaela
Haha, but yeah I suppose, but when you ask for the hand, it makes sense, because where does the ring go? on her hand! Well, finger, but just to ask for a finger? That is plain weird.
Greg
Hello!
Sorry i havent contacted you in a while, but i have had loads to do!
I have a new layout up! I hope you like it!
Please comment back, From Greg!
Laura
It might have been on purpose but I'm not sure. Why invite me if she clearly didn't want me there though. Arghh people like her make me angryyy ¬¬. Awww thank you! I agree she is just annoying :)! So, how are you? How has your weekend been going :)?
Felisa
If you only ask for someone's hand in marriage, makes you wonder what's going to happen to the rest of them huh? I'd ask for someone's BRAIN because I think the brain is the sexiest thing about a person. But I'd love it if it could come with a human body. Because by itself, I might not even go near the brain.
"Sir, I've fallen deeply in love with your daughter, and I'm asking for her ass in marriage."
Hahahahahahaha I think I just peed. Just a little. 😛
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