I Pronounce You Hand and Wife
I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start?
Picture it: Years from now, they’ll be knee-deep in a heated argument about who forgot to pick up the diapers, and suddenly, they’ll both turn to each other and say, “Remember that awful vocalist who started it all?”
The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember that chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”
And then the groom will retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”
And then she’ll add, “Our wedding was more of a disaster than his hairdo.” And so the saga will continue, the diaper will remain unchanged, and I will become public enemy number one for a baby who grows up seeking vengeance.
But hey, maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do. In fact, while belting out tunes at the wedding, I started over-thinking many things. For example, why is it that when a guy pops the question, he asks for a hand in marriage?
I mean… hands? Seriously? Why hands? Hands are gross. According to every soap commercial ever, hands are constantly dirty and covered in who-knows-what. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?
There are certainly more interesting body parts to choose from. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.
You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.
How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or spleen? “Excuse me, sir, but I’m head over heels for your daughter, and I’d like to snag her ass in matrimony.”
Okay, that got weird real quick. Suddenly, asking for her hand doesn’t sound so bad.
But in all honesty, why limit it to just one body part? Call me old-fashioned, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall for the entire package.
106 Comments
Kate
Hey Justin 🙂 Ohdazzle is back open!
Sang at a wedding? Cool. Your probably a good singer otherwise you wouldnt've got the chance to sing at all >____<
Yeah, I don't understand why they say hand, either.. Maybe because the ring goes on a finger which is attachted to your hand.. – Okay that was lame. It made no sense, but at least it makes better sense than asking for someones ass in marrige. Am I right?
Chrys
HAHAHHAHA. My dad always says that: "It ain't over till the fat lady sings". I always poke my mom and say, "Mommmmyyyy, I want it to be over, can you please sing?" She never thinks it's as funny as I do though. Hrm.
Hahahahhaa. Essential body parts. Yes indeed.
Oh you creepy, disgusting man! How can you fall in love with ALL of them. With me, it's JUST the toes. Jeez.
Scotland was amazing fun 🙂
Ben
Lol, I can sort of see what you mean but I think the whole thing probably means like taking your hand to guide you through life, to bring the person into your life. A very weird analogy but that's what I think it could mean.
Chynna
Hey, just to say I've moved sites!
Change your link please (:
x
Pam
Umm.. It kinda made sense? LOL :S
You're truly happy because you know that you're not because you'd go crazy or something if you was?
I think I just made it worse, haha.
AnneMarie
Internet precautions, it's just things my school does. Blocks myspace, facebook, game sites but surprisingly not Twitter. Stupid isn't it?
Hahaha, hand in marriage. That is strange. How do you think of all this funny stuff? Hahahahahaha.
Jetice
Heh for you… I wont use BOLD anymore… Plus you gotta be like.. skilled to use it anyway… gotta know which words to make bold.
Allie
LMAO. Your blog, once again, made me laugh. 🙂 "May I have your ass in marriage." Hah! Hilarity. LOLOLOL. Yup, you definitely need other ..er.. body parts in honeymoons. xD (IE: Justinavivigina) ;]
———————-
Hmph. Meanie butt. -.-
Thuyy
This is why people are changing it to "Will you marry me?!", Justin.
And aw, that last line wasn't creepy, it was…somehow sweet.
Bleh. Justin=sweet?
D=
Shellz
Hand in marriage maybe to put the ring on? perhaps. lol You can put a ring on someone's butt, unless it's reaaally small and that would be pretty nasty. =x
Helena
Ass in marriage! Now how do you think this serious tension could be broken! Though yeah it does make sense, a hand is def. not enough!
Thanks for the compliment on my layout too yo :}
Gillan
my username is mgfrox
Shur
O ya, good point. Hands ftl.
Angelica
This made me think about the bisexuals who proclaims that they don't fall in love with a sex, but a person. Compared to us straight or gay people who apparantly only fall in love with a sex. So perhaps if I ever want to marry a guy I should ask for his penis in marriage. After all that part is more interesting than a hand.
Jay
i've already grown used to texting on my iphone and i've had it for a week 🙂 it's an impressive phone and the apps are absolutely addicting!
i'm sure you did fine with your vocals! if they hired me, now that would be a totally different story. at that point, they probably wouldn't even continue the reception.
if i were to ask someone for their "hand in marriage", i would rather say "will you marry me?" or something along those lines, according to whom i'm speaking to. asking for a body part is somewhat awkward.
Leave Comment