My mother always said I should start every day with a smile.

Well, I’ve been mulling it over, and honestly, that’s a pretty tough task. When I wake up, my mouth is naturally in a frown. And no, it’s not because I’m sad. That’s just my default setting. When I sleep, I have literal resting bitch face.

Frown aside, my mouth faces additional challenges. Sometimes it’s dry and chapped. Sometimes it’s wet and drooly. Sometimes it’s covered in whipped cream from the, uh, adventurous night before.

Sorry Mom, but I can’t do it. There’s no possible way for me to follow your advice.

Sure, I could force a smile as soon as I’m conscious, but technically, that’s not starting my day with a smile. It doesn’t count.

And besides, I don’t have the acting chops to pull off the switcheroo. Somebody would catch me. Somebody always catches me when I fake things in bed.

Even if I could fool the world with an Oscar-worthy smile, I’d run into other problems. Like, am I supposed to take this literally? Should I be grinning at precisely 12:00 AM?

That’s problematic. Most midnights, I’m not even asleep yet. To follow the rules, I’d have to smile before I go to sleep. I would no longer be starting my day in the morning, but rather, I’d be starting my day in the middle of the previous night. I’d be starting my day on the previous day before the previous day even ended, and my bedtime would be my morning. None of this makes any damn sense.

And what if I am asleep at midnight? Unless I develop a habit of sleep-smiling, I’m doomed. I’d have to find a way to physically hold up my smile all night.

Maybe I could duct tape my lips? Maybe I could get Botox injections? Maybe I could hire a magical gnome who watches me in my sleep and pokes my face when the time is right?

Bah, I give up. I’m not going to smile. Smiling is overrated. Who even cares if I follow my mother’s advice? I mean, it’s not like this is the first time I disobeyed her. I have whipped cream-stained sheets to prove it.

What’s the worst that could happen? If I don’t smile, will there be consequences? Is this one of those superstition things? Is it like seeing a black cat, walking under a ladder, or breaking a mirror with my ugly face?

If I don’t start my day with a smile, will I have bad luck forever? Will I get hurt? Will I fall out of a window? Will I crap my pants?

Maybe this is more serious than I thought. Mom, I’m starting every day with a diaper.