Pour Decisions: From Cocktails to Cuffs
Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common).
To be honest, some of my fondest memories are the result of being utterly plastered. This past weekend, however, I stumbled onto a new type of drunken escapades: I was chased by the police.
It all started around four in the morning, fueled by the fruity buzz of raspberry-flavored Mike’s Hard Lemonades (don’t knock ’em till you’ve tried ’em). Nearly passing out on a lawn chair with a gnome up my butt, I figured it was high time to call it a night.
Now, the journey back to my dorm is usually a leisurely stroll, so I figured I’d walk. Unfortunately, the walk ended up being more of a stumble. I was tripping over my own feet like a newborn giraffe in stilettos.
As fate would have it, I found myself crossing a busy street just as the unmistakable wail of police sirens filled the air. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I didn’t think at all; to avoid confrontation, I jumped into a bush.
Next thing I remember is a deep, intense scream that pierced through the sirens; making me nearly soil myself. To my surprise, the cop had jumped out of his car and started sprinting towards me.
In fear, I screamed back at him. But then, in a moment of liquid courage, I tried a daring escape, only to be met by a second patrol car blocking the opposite path. Feeling the excitement, I pretended I was in a Die Hard movie and attempted drunken somersaults.
Needless to say, the officers were not amused, one even brandishing a firearm and ordering me to get down on my knees. Still completely shit-faced, I giggled at his dirty remark. Before I knew it, I was handcuffed and surrounded by a curious audience of passing motorists, each casting pitying glances my way.
Completely dumbfounded; I turned back to the cops and said, “Ohio has some strict underage drinking laws, eh?” Oops. Cover blown.
And then, yet another wild officer appeared (I swear, at this point, I had enough policemen for my own personal SWAT team). This guy assured me that if I cooperated, he’d let me go. Okay, cool. But I still didn’t know why I was handcuffed.
The cop was cute (in a 35-year-old-hot-dad-with-a-long-nightstick kind of way). He looked like his name was Damon, so that’s what I kept calling him. Damon politely requested permission for a strip search, which I couldn’t help but find both endearing and slightly kinky.
He rummaged through my pockets (yes, daddy), discovering nothing more than a Lady Gaga keychain and some old crayons from Applebee’s (this is, perhaps, more embarrassing than my choice of alcohol). Damon pulled out his walkie-talkie and exclaimed with a laugh, “There’s no way this guy is the threat.”
And just like that, the cuffs were off. The whole ordeal was over in a blur (and not only because I blacked out).
In the sober light of day, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Sure, there was no apology for the mishap – not even from my future husband Damon – but hey, at least my underage antics went undetected, thanks in part to my fruity raspberry breath. I suppose being drunk prevented me from doing something stupid and getting killed (wow, somebody put that in a PSA).
I couldn’t resist telling my mother about my drunken shenanigans, and needless to say, she was not amused. She wasted no time demanding answers from the authorities.
According to the police chief, I was apprehended due to a case of mistaken identity, simply fitting the description of a suspicious character on the loose with a knife. And by “fitting the description,” I was “a Caucasian male with khaki pants.” Except I wasn’t wearing khaki pants. Or holding a knife. But, okay. Whatever.
The officer also told my mother I looked suspicious because I jumped into a bush. Well, damn. I guess there’s no appreciation for nature lovers anymore.
75 Comments
April
I do not know if I will laugh at your blog or something. I think you weren't that scared because you're even giggling! Haha. That makes you so innocent. If I were on your shoe, I'll probably be scared to hell! Hello? Those are cops! I never experienced something like that before and I won't look forward to it. Good thing, you weren't bring to the jail. And the nerve of them to not even say sorry for what they did to you. How disrespectful.
Steff
Haha funniest blog I have red so far.
I've been pulled over by cops three times (on foot). They ask me what I am doing and why I am out so late on my own. I say "I'm bored." Apparently not a good enough reason for an adult to be walking alone at night. And I've never actually been pulled over while driving, yet when I see a cop, I do something stupid like drive through a red light or speed up.
I've always been intimidated by them.
Sin
You don't know what I look like, really? I thought you did, it is on my twitter picture.
But here is a different picture, I don't look so white in it.
http://lh5.ggpht.com/_WC7TeBVwZjc/S0oPI-tbcCI/AAAAAAAAAJI/SJTC5hO_ZOA/s144/Pho92.jpg
So yeah, no to hookah too!
Sugar, promised me you will no longer drink, or try to cut back. Same thing with the smoking junk. Please! I beg you, or I am going come over this weekend and find you house and yell at you.
ShellyBear
how in the world do you remember all that if you were drunk?
i've never been drunk but i've heard you can't remember anything, but idk..lol
i hate guys in khaki pants to be honest, lol.
<i>I felt like they were judging me (as if I were some sort of Guantanamo Bay escapee).</i>
wow, lmfao
Francine
Oh my God. I was laughing so hard I could barely read the whole blog. xD Man, even the police screw up sometimes. It's kind of sad that they thought you were a criminal because you were CAUCASIAN and you were wearing KHAKI PANTS. Personally, I love khaki pants. They make my butt look hot.
And you took crayons from Applebees? Ya know, I do that so often, it should be a crime. How much do they pay for those things? A dollar a pack? So, I'm basically robbing them of a dollar every time I steal their crayons. How comforting.
Oh, and relating to the comment you left on my website, I love having those things off my face. I feel like a free spirit. 😀 People keep telling me I look so much nicer without glasses. :') Who knew?
Kemi
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You rock!! That bit about, I hesitated cause I was waiting for the light or I fit the description, meaning I was caucasian and wearing khaki!!! Keep these coming!! Hijinks and Hilarity!!
Vicky
Haha no worries! 😛 Oh, I'm sure everyone has listened to Backstreet Boys at one point or another! 😛
Haha what an awesome story! 😛 I uesd to drink quite a lot when I was 16/17 (I don't even drink at all now..) and I've been chased by the police on several occasions… nothing near as interesting as your story though! xD
I bet you enjoyed the strip search! Haha. But yeah, I guess they were just doing their job. That said, my boyfriend often gets chased by the police for no reason (whilst sober)… they always accuse him of beating someone up or something. o_O
Morgan
Lol, I didn't know being chased by the police could be that amusing. 😛
Thanks.
Kerry
Haha, it really wasn't that bad. The feeling after my operation when they'd put the wire in was worse. I own quite a lot of domains.. I really need to get rid of some, lol. I think I've got a slight domain addiction. :|
Haha! That's a great story! I got chased by the police once when drinking but my story's nowhere near as good as yours. I got chased because I was trespassing, but the patch of grass I was on looked extremely appealing in my drunken state. I was happily sat there when I saw a huge flashlight come round the corner so I got up and started to run. My stilettos decided to get stuck in the grass several times but I still managed to get across a field, jump and fence and run down the road. I got away from the police, thank god.
I thought my story was good until I read yours… damn you! 😛 *joke* I'm gonna have to do some more things whilst drunk and report back. I did steal a tricycle a couple of weeks ago but didn't get arrested.
… how boring.
Georgina
Ahaha that was an amusing story. I've never been drunk though, so I can't even get that funny jaywalking experience in my mind. 😛
I guess the police were just doing their job though, at least it was, for the most part, an interesting experience. I think it's silly of them to assume that you were that accused man. But after all, it was in the wee hours of the morning! 😛
Thank you for the comment! 🙂 (Don't have too much to say in response but I appreciate that you think I'm an inspiration. <3)
Anne
Your experience is really wild and something unusual. That's a total adventure I guess? But hey, it's something serious too. I've never been drunk nor drink any alcohols yet. I have a poor stomach for such.
Rachel
Okay, so, this is hilarious and amazing, and also exactly the reason I'm not a big drinker. I am not ashamed of my fruity drinks that barely pass for alcohol. 😉
Thanks for your comments, by the way. 😀
Juhstin
LMFAO justin~ wow the police are horrible, thats some bullcrap you ''fit the description'' of somebody i think that they should have said sorry or something~~ i woulda have demanded some kind of answers. wowsers thats some blog post, something i havent read ever in my life. good job
Cyndi
Well, if you had some baby wipes in your pocket they would have really considered you not to be a threat…
Life here in Central PA is not nearly as exciting as this…I need to move
Jessica
LOL I would be so honored to have a story like this to tell ;D I definitely would have been making movie references in my head myself as well.. it's not everyday you get randomly attacked by the police while walking down the street at four o'clock in the morning.
I've never been arrested – or drunk for that matter XP lol but I'm only 16, and quite honestly, I think drinking at my age is trashy :X
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