Why on earth do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms.

Isn’t it a tad distasteful to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? I mean, we don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster… So why not just say there’s a hurricane coming? That’d do it for me.

Per my research, back when this started, there were only female names. My guess is some salty sailor dudes did all the naming. Yeah, they were probably a bunch of disgruntled losers trying to get even with the women who reduced their lives to rubble (get it?).

These days, hurricanes are assigned a mix of both male and female names, because equality, right? The current lineup for 2009 is Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin, Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, and Wanda.

Hold up. Let’s talk about these names for a minute. They are way too passive. Hurricane Mindy? Who’s going to take a warning about Hurricane Rose seriously… she sounds like my welcoming grandmother. And boy oh boy, nothing sounds more catastrophic than Hurricane Grace.

If we must name hurricanes, we should give them names that strike fear into our hearts. I’d be much quicker to heed the warning for Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-Kid-Zombie-Fleshed-Porcelain-Doll-Decepticon.

But with a name like Fred, you’d think the hurricane was a playful puppy or a kindly Uncle. People should not be sympathizing with swirling storms. And if scary names are too trauma-inducing, I have another pitch. How about derogatory names that better characterize their rude nature?

Picture it: One season might start out with Hurricane Asshole, and then continue with Hurricane Beeotch, and then finally wrap up with Tropical Depression Crackhead. You can’t deny that this would liven up weather reports…

“Now Bob with the weather. Bob, it looks like Hurricane Dickwad is headed right for the Florida Keys.”

“That’s right, Jim. What a prick.”

Wouldn’t that be fantastic? And if we adopted this naming convention, we’d have enough insults to last for decades. Of course, if we ever ran out, or just for variety, we could always switch to German.